Well, crapola, I wanted to be asleep by now, but I feel like blogging!
(Over the weekend I bought a book called Feel: The Power of Listening to Your Heart, by Matthew Elliot. Does that not sound like just the book for me? 🙂 I’ll let you know how it is…)
(And…”crapola”…isn’t that a blast from the past? I think I started using that word when I was about 12? It hasn’t made an appearance in awhile!)
Not long ago, I briefly talked about seeing the big picture. I mentioned that at that moment, I felt I could see the big picture more clearly than usual. Well let me tell you…I can not! The entire time I was feeling unbearably discontent with everything, I had this nagging feeling that nothing would come of all my ranting. I had a little voice telling me that the “big picture” was deceptive, that I was still seeing a small window, and from a very specific perspective.
Well, a few weeks later, of course my perspective has changed a little. Life changes, things change, perspectives change. And I am here to tell you, what I saw back then doesn’t quite match up with what I see today.
I think I need to get into specifics, to explain myself clearly.
At that moment, when I wrote about the “big picture,” I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to not be a teacher, to have a career in music. Because music is my one big passion, my one big dream.
As though there were just one.
The truth is, my passion for music is real, and just as big as I said, and it’s a part of my life and my personality every day. But I am passionate about many things, and when some get ignored or rejected, others seem to get bigger. And since the end of a certain relationship-that-shall-not-be-named, (*giggle*, there is no bitterness, I’m just being dramatic!), I’ve realized how “fine” I am on my own, how completely I would accept a life of singleness, if that’s what God has for me. Which led to almost an embracing of that thought, an assuming that I will be single.
Which led to a single, startling, scary thought: “If I knew for certain that God is calling me to be single…that I’m definitely not ‘waiting’ for that season of my life to begin…I don’t want to be a teacher.”
Which led to another, more scary thought: “I don’t know what I want to be.” Which led to an extreme assumption: that there is one thing that I am supposed to “be,” and if I figure out what it is, all my problems will be solved and my life will be perfect. Which led to my thinking that I am supposed to “be” in the world of music.
And yes, if there is only one passion that I get to keep, it would be music. It has to be. I can’t live without it.
But I don’t think there is only one passion that I am supposed to keep!
Today is a “homebirth day,” it seems. I watched a video from Sara at Walk Slowly, Live Wildly that is a beautiful slide show of her daughter’s birth. And as I commented to Sara, I think homebirth is in my soul! 🙂 And then on 18 Kids & Counting tonight, I watched the first Duggar grandchild come into the world via–surprise!–a homebirth. I can’t watch a birth, see pictures of a birth, read or hear about a birth, without hearing a voice deep inside me saying, I want to do that! I am not married, I am not pregnant, I don’t have any children…there is no reason for me to be as “hooked” on birth stories as I am. I was reminded that birth…homebirth…mothering…well, music is definitely not the one thing for me!
Tonight I was reading through some of my favorite blog posts that I’ve written, and there are definitely some diverse passions there! I read a post that I wrote where I said that thinking about homeschooling gives me butterflies in my stomach. I read a post about birth that is more than most girls in my position know about birth. I read a few posts about how I feel about my siblings. I read posts about cleaning. I read posts about books I’ve read. And movies I’ve watched. And t.v. shows that I’m into.
And, yes, I read many, many posts about song lyrics, bands I’m into, singing, playing instruments, going to concerts.
So, off the top of my head:
MUSIC: singing, playing, listening to, discovering new bands to listen to, going to concerts…
FAMILY: honoring my parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles, being best friends with my siblings, the value of accepting and encouraging one another, the value of marriage, the value of children…speaking of which…
CHILDREN: homeschooling, homebirthing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, reading to, singing with, listening to, lovingly ignoring, hugging & kissing…(yeah, when I have my own kids, I’m going to have to acquire some more passions that would fit with the teen years)…
STORIES: books, books, and more books, movies, t.v. shows…
HOMEMAKING: cleaning, cooking, creating a space that is warm and comfortable and encourages relationships…
FOOD: green smoothies, new recipes, clean eating, all things fruit & vegetable…and the occasional box of Lucky Charms…
I look at that list, and I think, “Well crapola, I really don’t want to be a teacher!” (Let’s just keep using the pre-teen expletive, shall we?) But I think how much I love to be on stage playing music, and I think about how much I would love to be a homebirthing, breastfeeding, homeschooling mama…and those two things are at war with each other, if I let my imagination get the best of me. The truth is, in reality, those two things are going to find a way to coexist in one person, because neither one is going anywhere.
I know that living without a musical outlet sends me a little bit ’round the bend. I’m aware of that, and it’s something I have to deal with and keep tabs on. (Oh, that sounds so boring! I love needing a musical outlet! It’s a pleasure to deal with that part of my personality! Doesn’t that sound better?) And music is, most definitely, my one thing. But it is not my only thing.
So, then, I don’t want to be a teacher, at least not a public school first grade teacher. What could I do, for money, related to any of those things up there? Maybe I can publish my upcoming NaNoWriMo novel? (If I have time to actually write it.) Maybe I can help choose the music used in movies and t.v. shows? (What are those people called, exactly?) Maybe I can be a midwife? (No, I didn’t think so either. If I were the medical sort.) Maybe I should be a Natural Family Planning counselor? (No…) Maybe I can be a professional triangle player…
Maybe I can find a job, related to children, using the education I already have, that fits with the way I think kids learn and grow best. One that doesn’t make me panic and think: WE’RE RUINING THEM!!! One where I can encourage, motivate, and inspire kids to take charge of their own learning…
I think I had a job like that last year… 🙂
Okay, now tell me honestly. Just how crazy do you think I am right now? 🙂