I don’t need this space as much these days.

I still have a dark and twisty streak running through my life.  I still need to pound my fists against someone and scream my emotions from the rooftops sometimes.  I am taking my pounding fists and screaming emotions to Jesus more.  It is more satisfying than bringing them to the internet.

Sometimes I read my Bible.  Sometimes I sit and stare at a candle flame for a few minutes.  Sometimes I write and write, with everything I used to say here — more, with no anxiety of what the reader will think or say.  Sometimes I cut and glue and doodle my emotions.

I have no desire for less emotion.  I like my strong emotions.  If I am too much — too happy, too sad, too silly, too serious — if I am too much for you, that is about you, not me.  I find that I need a safe space to go deep and wide with emotion and worrying about what the reader will think poisons that safety.

I don’t hope I will work the dark and twisty out; I don’t hope I’ll be unfailingly bright and shiny.  The dark and twisty has better lessons.  The bright and shiny is the result of those lessons.  Both are essential to my happiness.

This space is not my journal.  This space is my scrapbook.  This space is for pictures and stories that I want to remember and revisit.  It’s for me to talk about books and movies and TV shows and theater.  To talk about hikes and bike rides and adventures.  To talk about traveling and staying home.

This space is for me to record my life.

I hope to live a life worth recording.  It’s very easy to live many days in a row without noticing or creating anything worth showing off or writing about.  It’s sometimes hard to take the time to post the pictures and write about them.  But I think telling my stories is important.  I hope to do a little more story telling in this space.

The stories are happening, every day.  My life is good.


Bummed. Materialistically, anyway.

“We live in a material world, and I am a material girl.  Or boy.”  100 bonus points to whoever can name that movie.  🙂

This little device has made my life so much more convenient over the past few months.  Finally, finally, I had my dream of one-device-does-all!  Phone, music, calendar, alarm clock, calculator, place to store random reminder notes, all in one place.  It was so easy.  It was so convenient.  It was so quick.  Just one thing to carry while I was running, instead of music player plus phone.  Smaller to carry in my purse than my old paper date book.  Easier to keep track of than post-it grocery lists.  Nicer to wake up to than a hotel alarm clock.

But wait, let me tell you the best part:  Despite everything I used it for, I charged it maybe twice a week.  Maybe.

Do I sound like I’m selling them?  😛

Well, let me tell you what happened after I fell in love with my phone.  We had ten great months together.  We went places, we shared music, we talked to people.  And then, one day, while I was talking on my phone and walking Pal, I dropped it!  On the concrete!!!  And the inside screen broke.  Now, it’s black except for the very upper right hand corner.  To make a long story short, many features are only available on the inside screen, not on the smaller outside screen.

So I had to re-activate my old phone, and now I’m charging it twice a day and juggling multiple devices and a paper calendar.  Again.

The lovely blue phone is no longer a phone.  Not a calendar.  Not an alarm clock.  Now it’s just a music player.  As a music player, it’s great.  (It would be better if I had access to the inside screen features, such as deleting songs or creating playlists or typing in a song or artist to search in my collection.)  But the dream was to have one device that did all of the things I use most often.  And for a little while, I had the dream.  It’s so much harder to go back.  I loved my pink phone, when I first got it.  (Of course, when I first got it, it held a charge longer than 18 hours!)  But now, the fact that it’s pink doesn’t do much for me, compared to what I loved about the blue phone.

(If they would make it in pink as well, you know I would have gotten it!)

A friend of mine lost two Blackberries and a third phone to a glass of water, a bathtub, and a hot tub, respectively, over the past few months.  She is now using her husband’s old phone, and her husband says no more phones!  She is materialistically bummed, too.

It’s materialistic, yes.  But it’s not because I want to be cool with the latest toy.  It’s not because I want people to see me with an expensive gadget.  It’s because I liked what it could do!!!  I loved plugging it into the speakers in my classroom and having all my music accessible even while I was at work.  I loved making plans when I could check my calendar immediately without digging out a paper date book.  I loved that I could fire off a text message so quick on the QWERTY key pad, unlike using the number/letter buttons.

I have had absolutely no phone envy since I’ve had this phone.  (Interesting, because it’s an LG env3.  Pronounced “envy three.”  Haha!)  There is nothing on anyone else’s phone that I think I need.  I don’t need whatever a Blackberry can do.  I don’t need what a touch-screen can do.  I don’t need a Droid.  I don’t need internet and email on my phone, truly, I’d rather not.  I have exactly what I use, and nothing more.

I had exactly what I used, and nothing more.

I’m thinking about this:  It is not worth it to me to shell out $300 for a new one, considering they are practically free when you wait for your two years to be up.  A lot less than $300, anyway.  However…to fix it might be around $75.  Still, I think that’s more than what I paid for it, and I feel like I should find it frivolous and unneccesary.  But, I would sacrafice that value.  Maybe one or two new pairs of shoes?  A few months of Starbucks and Scooters?  Five or six new cd’s?  A few new books?  Cutting Pal’s hair myself the next two times instead of taking him to the groomer?  I would happily give up any of those things just to have my phone back…so maybe I will.  I don’t want to be materialistic, but I used it.  Nearly every feature of it.

If, the next time I get a new phone, I find a QWERTY, music-playing, calendar-organizing phone that is pink, I will be alight with materialistic joy!

Vocabulary of the Day

So, let’s have a little contest.  My sister and I have a habit of teaching each other new vocabulary words.  I’m spreading it around.  Here’s your vocabulary challenge of the day:

dyspnea  (disp-NEE-uh)

Used in a sentence:  “I have been experiencing dyspnea for the past few days.”

I was looking up this mystery symptom online, and I had no idea there was a word for it.  I think it’s anxiety or stress related for me, though that’s not a clue that will help you.

The first person to leave a comment with the correct definition will recieve a “woo-hoo” directly from me.  🙂

Bonus “woo-hoo” to anyone who can pronounce the s-p-n in the middle of the word without adding an extra syllable!  🙂


*Sigh…*  Just when I’m getting really motivated about my job…

I stayed home sick today.  I have a tried-and-true pattern for stomach viruses, and whatever that was, it didn’t follow my pattern!  But it was fast, and I appreciate that.  I’m told (via the dependable internet, and by friends) that if it’s fast like that, it means it was food poisoning.  And I have identified a likely culprit, some expired fresh spinach that I ate.  (So, to all who might scoff at my usual rigidness regarding expiration dates…I tried it your way, and your way made me puke.)  🙂

I also appreciate SubFinder!!!  I was talking to a friend on the phone last night, who is also a teacher, and he has to actually call a list of subs when he’s sick.  Ugh!  When you’re sick, that’s the last thing you would want to do!  A person should just be able to call in sick to their job, when they’re sick, and let other people take care of their job for a day.  Teachers give of themselves a lot for their jobs, and there are some perks most people take for granted that teachers never experience.  I appreciate that calling in sick is one perk I have.

I spent the day eating small quantities of random foods, trying to figure out what I can stomach so that I can get back to normal.  Apple bread is good, potato salad is not.  (Don’t ask me what made me think it would be…)  And the best thing in the world today…Progresso lentil soup!  I don’t quite remember buying it, but I saw the can in the cupboard and thought it might be a good bland-ish food with plenty of water and no meat and that salty soup flavor that you crave when you’re dehydrated…and it was awesome!

And water.  Lots and lots of cold water to drink.

I also spent the day watching television.  I was reminded that the last half hour of Armageddon makes me cry.  I also discovered a new show that made me cry, The Locator.  It’s a reality show where this investigator guy helps people find their long-lost loved ones.  I watched a good Hannah Montana and a Wizards of Waverly Place, and a couple of Suite Lifes.  I watched some Golden Girls.  I abandoned my t.v. for awhile and started catching up on Grey’s Anatomy with the online episodes.  (Don’t talk to me about it yet, I still have about four episodes to go!)  Armageddon was on again, so I watched the first half hour or so, until Ben Affleck proposes to Liv Tyler.  I watched the first ten minutes of Bridget Jones and decided I just can’t take the drama today.  I watched the first 45 minutes of the Los Angelos Philharmonic on public television.  (Did you know that Gustavo Dudamel, the director, is my age???)

And I think if I don’t turn my t.v. on again for a week, that would be just fine.

So, I am freshly showered, well-hydrated, and gently fed.  (Freshly showered, so that I can sleep in as late as possible tomorrow morning.)  I’m ready to get back to it tomorrow, and use this rare time of motivation!