There was a blog that I was reading a few weeks ago whose tagline was: “Life. Full and slow.” I can’t find it back, but those four words have been etched into my soul.
Sometimes I wish I had a different life. Sometimes I wish my days were slower paced.
It’s not that I can’t handle the pace. I can, and I’m good at it. It’s just…it’s not without its cost. Mostly costs to my relationships, which is terrible. And increasingly, costs to my healthy habits, which will lead to costs to my well-being and happiness. Which is also terrible.
I live in extremes. God has invited me to pursue balance. I thought this was just a 2013 thing…but I’m going to need more time. I’m going to need to pursue balance for my whole life, aren’t I?
Last weekend I had Friday off as well. I brought home two huge bags of work. They remained in the corner, unopened. I didn’t feel guilty about that. I felt bad for not feeling guilty, though. As though I was lazy for choosing, after working 40+ hours in 4 days, to take three days to reconnect with people, to rest, to sleep, to enjoy my home, to visit other places.
I refuse to give up. I will be happy in my life, or I will choose a different one. Any other option is unacceptable to me. For now, that means that I will live at a pace that is comfortable to me. I will live as many “slow and full” moments as I need. I will run when I need to run…there is nothing in me that wants boredom or stagnancy…and I will walk when I need to walk.
I need to believe that a life that is full and slow is more valuable than a life that is a constant, crazy, demanding race. I need to trust that I am better in fewer hours when I renew myself in between. I need to believe it with all my heart, because I need to be able to stand strong when others want me to run like mad.