So…you may have stumbled upon my emotions last week. I said there wouldn’t be an uplifting ending. No silver lining. No words of comfort to make it through a long moment of pain. Just pain.
Less than two days after I typed those words, the uplifting ending became clear to me.
It was already there, in my words.
“Jesus is here, and he’s giving me space to feel what I feel.” I said that because I didn’t want the reader to think I had forgotten. I didn’t want the reader to think I was running away. To be honest, I didn’t want you to think that if you reminded me about Jesus, it would solve my problems. I didn’t want you to solve my problems.
Well, that thought is my silver lining.
I don’t want to be told to feel less. I don’t want to be told that my happiness or my sadness is not important. I don’t want to be told that what I care about isn’t worth caring about. You wound me deeply when you do that. I have learned to say things and do things that prevent people from doing that…or things that I imagine will prevent people from doing that.
If I believe that Jesus is with me, that his Spirit lives inside me, then the impulse is to pray that he will take away negative emotions. That he will, magically and instantly, just erase pain.
But if I look deeper… Isn’t Jesus supposed to treat me the way I wish other people would treat me? Isn’t he supposed to love me in ways beyond my imagination’s ability to hope other people would love me?
Based on who I am, based on my deepest needs… Sitting with me in my strongest emotions is the most loving thing anyone could do. Not magically taking it away. Giving me space to feel what I feel.
I have never felt so loved.