{A Space}

Sometimes…this is my place to feel what I feel…remember?

When someone needs space, they don’t usually need physical distance.  They need a space.  They need a place where who they are at that moment is okay.

{I really need who I am to be okay today.}

This has been one of those stupidly terrible days.  Everything in the outside world has been good, and everything inside my head has been terrible.  I’m mad at people for things that aren’t their fault.  I’m hurt by people who didn’t intend to hurt me.  I feel absolutely terrible about things that aren’t a big deal, and aren’t really my fault.  I feel like people are upset with me when they probably are not…at least, not as much as I think.  I feel like I’ve done nothing but cry since I got home, over things that aren’t worth crying about.

And let me be clear:  It’s ALL me.  There is no story worth telling hiding in the previous paragraph.

I hope I’ve hidden it well.  I hope everyone saw me have a good day, or at least didn’t notice me today.

It’s one of those stupid days when I desperately need someone, just one person somewhere, to make it about me.  And there is no one.  Everyone has bigger fish.  There is no one whom I’m willing to take away from their big fish to notice mine.  They should deal with theirs.

Isn’t that how it goes?  A person’s own biggest problem feels just as big, no matter how it compares to someone else’s biggest problem.  Even if it isn’t real.  Even if that person’s emotions are turning things into problems that aren’t.  It’s still very, very real to me.

I don’t know why I’m telling you.  Please don’t comment.  In fact, I’m disabling the comments for this one.  Just give me space to feel what I feel.  My whole entire life, I’ve been criticized for being too happy or too sad.  Too silly.  Too serious.  Too messy.  Too clean.  Care too much.  Want too much.  Do too much.  Feel too much.  Too much everything.  So today, I’m scared that if I’m honest, you will all judge me for feeling too sad.  But feeling judged has never changed anything.  Besides, I like it this way.  And where the damage came from isn’t as important as what I’m going to do with it.  So over and over, even since I was a tiny little girl who didn’t know what I was doing, {I reclaim my right to feel what I feel.}  Yank it back away from the voices of the past that live in my head.

Over and over, but still not nearly enough, if you ask me.  {More, please.}

This one isn’t going to have an uplifting, silver-lining, the-sun-still-shines-behind-the-storm, Jesus-is-my-comfort ending.  Today, I am sad and mad and scared and dealing with it by myself.  {Jesus is here, and he’s giving me space to feel what I feel.}  I’ll go to sleep and start over tomorrow.

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