I only look like a grown-up on the outside.  On the inside, I am a three-year-old.  When I do not get my way, on the outside, I am (usually) calm and gracious and cheerful.  Maybe even mildly disappointed, in a very adult and appropriate and polite way.

On the inside, I am frustrated.  Mad.  Resentful, even.  It doesn’t matter what it’s about.  Maybe the coffee shop didn’t get my order right, but I didn’t realize it until I drove away.  Maybe in a meeting I voted for the idea that didn’t win.  Maybe I’m a better player, but I don’t get to do the solos because the other guy has been in the orchestra for about 20 years longer than me.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  The point is, I didn’t get my way.

Refraining from expressing all that angst on others is the RIGHT thing to do.  The frustration, anger, and resentment is more about ME than it is about anything else.

So, it is one of those situations where THIS IS THE WAY IT IS, and I have to ride the feelings until they pass.  Not always a successful endeavor, I’ve found.

Tonight at church orchestra rehearsal, I found myself in one of these inner tantrums.  I was looking up at the stained glass windows high above me, crying out to God, “What am I to learn from this?  What are You trying to teach me?”  I want to scream and shout, to tell everyone who can hear me that my way is better!  But I know, I KNOW with every fiber of my being, that being gracious and peacemaking is the RIGHT thing to do, the BEST thing to do.  So I’m holding onto those stained glass windows for dear life.  Because high above me, and also right here in me, is the One who can when I cannot, the I Am who is gracious and peacemaking and loving when I am not.

When I got home tonight, I felt the need to do some Scripture Typer.  (Do you know Scripture Typer?  I have known about it for a little over 24 hours, and I am hooked!  I am humbly attempting to memorize the Sermon on the Mount with other readers of author Ann Voskamp’s blog, A Holy Experience.  I just started.  I have a long way to go.)  And on Scripture Typer,  here is my next verse to learn:

Matthew 5:9-10

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.  Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Holding my sword of a tongue when I want to make war, today, that is peacemaking.  Sitting through self-righteous, resentful frustration so that I can do the right thing, today, that is persecution for the sake of righteousness.  God sees.  He is with me in those moments.  When I can’t, and I call on His power, He can.  And He remembers.  It will not be forgotten.

{Sadly, that gorgeous photo is not my church’s stained glass windows.  Photo credit here.}


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