For the millionth time…

A strange mood strikes me tonight…  “Stop being nice to me!” 

Strange, but familiar.

I joined the orchestra at my new church.  So tonight we instrumentalists were getting ready, and we somehow got in a conversation of what I did at my old church.  And it turned into the usual:  “Oh my gosh, you sing, too?  And you play piano?  What else can you play?  Was it hard to learn all those instruments?  Wait…you didn’t take piano lessons?  So you can read bass clef and treble clef?  And you can transpose on the fly?” 

Basically, the “we are so impressed by your musicianship” conversation.  I love it.  I shouldn’t, but I love it.  God forgive me for my pride, but I love it.  🙂

And then, I hate it. 

I hate it because I come home with this nice boost to my ego still playing in the back ot my mind, and the very next song I listen to hurts.  I am very aware of all the musical understanding in my head, and I hear the song and it pulls apart in my head.  I can hear each part, every note of every instrument, every vocal harmony, all by itself.  And I wonder and marvel at the magic and power of putting each note right where it is in the song.  And I’m jealous of the people playing and singing and creating those marvelous pieces of magic.

And it hurts because I love it so much, and it is such a tiny part of my life.  And it’s my own doing.  And I’m not certain that I would have it any other way, because even in my wildest dreams, I’m not sure if my wildest dreams are better than the life I have now.  I’m a teacher, and I’m about 80% convinced I’m supposed to be a teacher.  Plus, it’s not like I’m just a teacher, 24/7, all year long…I’m a person, with wide and varied passions.

But kids are fun and easy.  And music is scary and fascinating.

So my heart’s desire is:  Stop saying nice things to me about my playing.  Stop telling me that I’m good.  Stop reminding me that I love it.  Don’t make this so hard.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. doris
    Feb 18, 2011 @ 22:41:28

    I never knew I didn’t know so much as I know now that I don’t know. A convoluted sentence but just how I feel about not having that knowledge about music. It sounds good or it doesn’t and I never can tell why each falls into the like or not like column. I will trust you and the rest of the people that can hear the music within the music to help make the good stuff.


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