The Edge

I’m just sitting here listening to Switchfoot, feeling….just feeling….

I’m standing on the edge of everything I’ve never been before.

–“On Fire” by Switchfoot

I wish I could write a song.  I’m just not built that way.  But just playing music is so cathartic, and creating my own little piano arrangements of songs I hear is even more cathartic.  I can only imagine how it feels to play something that you conceived beginning to end.  I am fascinated by how lyrics and music come together.  I would love to be a fly on the wall listening to someone write music.  How does it happen?  What comes first?

I was going to say:

For all my talking and reflecting and thinking…aren’t I ever going to take action?  What will push me over the edge to actually change?

And then I found this quote…

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me.  The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. 

–George Bernard Shaw

I am such a different person than the girl who moved to Omaha to student teach six years ago.  I change.  I change when my job stays the same.  I change when my relationship status stays the same.  I change when people’s expectations stay the same.  I change when my own behavior stays the same.

Therein lies the conflict.  “You can’t take the same action expecting a different result” and all that, but…  When I continue to take the same action, expecting the same result, when I am actually needing a different action with a different result……….How long can I continue on this tired, rutted path?

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.

–Lynn Hall

I knew that when those few intense weeks were over, I would be back to the ennui of “I don’t know what I want!”  And it’s true, I don’t know what I want, but I do know that I’m finding myself bored.  Not just I-have-nothing-to-do-today bored.  That kind of boredom is easy.  No, what I am experiencing is I-am-tired-of-looking-at-the-same-old-thing-every-day boredom.  Or this-is-not-quite-where-I’m-supposed-to-be bored.  I want something exciting and fun.  I want to experience the excitement of moving to a new city again.  Or falling in love.  Or breaking up with someone!  Or running a marathon.  Or something.  I don’t really want to buy a house, but this ennui makes me want to buy a house.  Now is not the right time to be moving to a new city, but I crave moving to a new city.  Just…something.  Something, change.  Something, show up at my doorstep and change me. 

I’m on this cliff.  I know that what I want is just on the other side of the canyon, but I can’t see what it is.  I know I need to jump, but I’ve never jumped over a canyon before, so my feet don’t quite know what to do.  So I run to the edge, and then I stop short and back up again, thinking maybe it’s fine, maybe I’ll just stay on this side.  And then, I can feel the cool breeze from this invisible place on the other side of the canyon, and I know I can’t just stay over here.  So I run to the edge again, and I stop short again. 

If I could write a song, that metaphor would be a good place to start.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let
God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
Then you will learn to know
God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
Romans 12:2 (NLT)

And what, exactly, am I afraid of???

Foolishly I fall into the obvious pattern of it all.

Carelessly I stall, thinking change was just a friend that never called.

“London (Foolishly)” by Nick Jonas


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