I’m just sitting here listening to Switchfoot, feeling….just feeling….
I’m standing on the edge of everything I’ve never been before.
–“On Fire” by Switchfoot
I wish I could write a song. I’m just not built that way. But just playing music is so cathartic, and creating my own little piano arrangements of songs I hear is even more cathartic. I can only imagine how it feels to play something that you conceived beginning to end. I am fascinated by how lyrics and music come together. I would love to be a fly on the wall listening to someone write music. How does it happen? What comes first?
I was going to say:
For all my talking and reflecting and thinking…aren’t I ever going to take action? What will push me over the edge to actually change?
And then I found this quote…
The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.
–George Bernard Shaw
I am such a different person than the girl who moved to Omaha to student teach six years ago. I change. I change when my job stays the same. I change when my relationship status stays the same. I change when people’s expectations stay the same. I change when my own behavior stays the same.
Therein lies the conflict. “You can’t take the same action expecting a different result” and all that, but… When I continue to take the same action, expecting the same result, when I am actually needing a different action with a different result……….How long can I continue on this tired, rutted path?
We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
I knew that when those few intense weeks were over, I would be back to the ennui of “I don’t know what I want!” And it’s true, I don’t know what I want, but I do know that I’m finding myself bored. Not just I-have-nothing-to-do-today bored. That kind of boredom is easy. No, what I am experiencing is I-am-tired-of-looking-at-the-same-old-thing-every-day boredom. Or this-is-not-quite-where-I’m-supposed-to-be bored. I want something exciting and fun. I want to experience the excitement of moving to a new city again. Or falling in love. Or breaking up with someone! Or running a marathon. Or something. I don’t really want to buy a house, but this ennui makes me want to buy a house. Now is not the right time to be moving to a new city, but I crave moving to a new city. Just…something. Something, change. Something, show up at my doorstep and change me.
I’m on this cliff. I know that what I want is just on the other side of the canyon, but I can’t see what it is. I know I need to jump, but I’ve never jumped over a canyon before, so my feet don’t quite know what to do. So I run to the edge, and then I stop short and back up again, thinking maybe it’s fine, maybe I’ll just stay on this side. And then, I can feel the cool breeze from this invisible place on the other side of the canyon, and I know I can’t just stay over here. So I run to the edge again, and I stop short again.
If I could write a song, that metaphor would be a good place to start.
“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let
God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
Then you will learn to know
God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
Romans 12:2 (NLT)
And what, exactly, am I afraid of???
Foolishly I fall into the obvious pattern of it all.
Carelessly I stall, thinking change was just a friend that never called.
“London (Foolishly)” by Nick Jonas