Say This, Not That

I am a crab-ass today.  I feel like arguing.  I also feel like cussing, but I’ll keep it PG-13 or so, so if you’re under the age of 13, plug your ears while you read.  🙂

I do not, at this moment, give a rat’s ass about being single.  I’m busy, I’m stressed, I’m working on some shit.  And more than that, I’m confident that God’s plan is better than anything I could dream up, and I’m happy to wait on His timing.  Plus, I have plenty of time.  If I get married in 10 years I can still have a houseful of kids, or whatever. 

However, last week I took a class about brain development and brain function.  One of the topics that was touched on was the benefits of touch, connection, and sex.  I can have connections with people, of course.  But…the thought was planted.  Or re-planted.

Then I saw a commercial about gum.  “The average person spends 20,000 minutes kissing.”  What, did I use up my quota in college???

Then I happened upon this article, “19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person.”  During periods of time, off and on, this could have been my t-shirt.  My mantra.  My bible.  At this moment, most of those comments don’t really bother me.  But because I’m in this strange, fired-up mood, a few of them made me laugh.  In a sick, sardonic sort of way.

You’re too picky.

Really?  Would you want to be married to any of my exes?  No?  Looky there, you’re too picky, too!

You’ll find the right person for you.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

I wish I were single and in your shoes.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can be single if you want.  I wish you luck.  Let me know how you like my shoes.

Your turn next.

Then tell people to quit cutting in line!

Sure, my guy rescues kids from abusive homes, donated my sister a kidney, and picks up fresh flowers for me daily on his way home from work, but will he QUIT IT with the sports on TV already?

You poor baby.  You poor thing.  Have you considered checking into a battered women’s shelter? 

I’m sorry, that last one was pretty sharp.  🙂

It’s sometimes nice to read articles like this, to remind me that I’m not the only person who has been single years longer than most of my friends.  (And I do realize, thanks to my super-mature college friends, I am experiencing this a few years earlier than most.)  (Also, the fact that within the last year, I suddenly became the older sister of two married siblings.  Again, very circumstantial.)  But no matter the reason, it’s comforting to know there are other girls out there experiencing this, because I do not see any of them around me anywhere.

But I can also see it from my friends’ point of view, and they might say, well, what do you want me to say???  A valid point.  I can’t help it if the typical comments are painful, but neither can they.  And most well-meaning friends aren’t looking to hurt you.  So, a few things that I would want to hear from married friends when I’m in those periods of feeling like I’ve missed the marriage boat:

That sucks.  Tell me more.

Usually, that’s all I’m looking for.  Tell me I’m not wrong to feel unhappy about it.  And let me talk some more.  Let me get it all out.  Don’t try to solve my problems when you can’t.  If I could solve it, I would.  (Because, of course, it’s not really a problem, but in the moment of upset, I don’t know that.)

Would you mind if I set you up with my husband’s friend/my coworker/my friend/etc.?

I love being set up!  Not everyone does, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, if you have a great guy in mind.  Not any old party boy, but a good guy.  Who also wants to be set up, of course.

Do you want to meet me for lunch and shopping this weekend?

When you’re married, I feel like I’m imposing if I call you, or if I invite you somewhere.  It’s stupid, maybe, but I don’t know what it’s like to be married.  From the outside, it seems like you’re suddenly less available, less likely to answer your phone, less likely to be able to talk to me without your husband in the room.  So you need to be the one to call me at first.  It’s not fair, maybe, but it’s the way it feels from this side.  And because I have issues about people not wanting me, I will politely fade into the background.  So if you want to be friends, you’re going to have to be the one to say so.  Not fair.  But I’m trying my best here.

You have to think about your own friend that you’re talking to, what she needs, what would really make her feel better, or if she wants to feel better.  Sometimes I don’t want to “feel better.”  I will feel better after I’ve felt bad for awhile.  Number 1 will always work great.  🙂

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I discovered some things about myself last week.  Stupid brain class.  🙂  By Tuesday morning, I was thinking, “This is not about me.  I want to be a better teacher.  I don’t want to confront my issues, I want to be there for my students’ issues.  This is NOT about me.”  But of course, everything about teaching is about relationships, which means it is 50% about me!  So despite my best efforts, I did confront some of my own issues.

The least of which, I really do need to be in a relationship!  Touch is very important to me, and I could play with kids (most of whom don’t stop touching you, ever) all day and cuddle with a beloved all night, and it wouldn’t be too much.  Some people it would.  Everyone is different.

I’m in no hurry to get married, as I said, but perhaps I should make more of an effort to be in a relationship more of the time.  Being in a relationship is good for you.  As another single friend and I said to each other recently, “Should we be, maybe, doing something about this?”  But here’s the thing:  I trust slowly.  When I finally believe that he really does want to date me (thanks to my “people don’t want me” issues), I can finally begin to find out if I want to date him.  And when a relationship ends, it takes some time before I’m ready to go again.  I don’t do rebounds.  And I don’t do casual dating of multiple people at once.  I don’t want to.  Maybe I “should” want to, but I don’t.  So that ends up with me being single for significant periods of time between relationships.

But it might be better if I step out of my comfort zone and take a different approach.  Something to think about.