Hurricane

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

I asked for this.  And I realized tonight, it all began with this song, “Hurricane” by Jimmy Needham.  I think.  There’s no way to know for sure, of course.  But when I heard this song, I was stuck on the idea that I might need God to destroy me, absolutely destroy me so that He can completely inhabit every corner of my being.  I might need Him to burn away everything that is not Him, everything that isn’t His will in my life.  I was completely obsessed with the line, “I don’t want to be safe tonight.” 

And I asked Him to do it.  I asked him to destroy anything in me that wasn’t His desire for me.  I asked Him to teach me to rely on Him.

But I didn’t expect it to hurt.  I didn’t forsee the pain of being destroyed.  I didn’t predict that I wouldn’t be aware it was Him, when it was happening.  “And if destruction’s what I need, then I’ll receive it, Lord, from thee.”

I would like to think that now that I can see it, that means it’s almost over.  Or almost to an easier season, at least.  But I don’t know.  I’m looking for transformation, I think God is transforming me, and I don’t know if He’s done.  “And if You are the war, let me be the casualty, ’til I’m Yours alone.”

It reminds me of Stephenie Meyer’s fictitious creation of a human being transformed into a vampire.  In that imaginary world, the human goes through incredible pain that makes them wish they were dead, as they are transformed into a creature who can experience immortality.  The pain and the fire moves through every muscle and bone, every organ and cell, until every corner of the human is indestructible.  And beautiful.  Unlikely as it may be, it’s a great metaphor, I think.  “I need you like a burning flame, a wildfire untamed, to burn these walls down, I’m only Yours now.”

I have been following MckMama’s experience on a mission trip to Kenya.  What she and her husband are experiencing right now…it’s incredible.  What I’m experiencing is nothing like that.  I am not experiencing the suffering of humanity.  I’m not learning about people whose basic needs are not met.  The song “Hurricane” reminds me of her journey as well, but in a different way.

What I am experiencing is the destruction of my illusion that I can be in control, that I am capable by myself, without God.  My illusion that my plans and assumptions mean anything in God’s grand plan.  My illusion that what I can do for myself is better than, or even as good as, what God can do for me.  Or that what I can do for myself is even good enough at all.  My illusion that God fits in my “God-box,” the part of myself that I reserve for Him.  “And it’s Your eye in the storm, wanting only good for me.”

He wants everything.  He doesn’t want a “God-box,” and an hour on Sunday mornings, and 30 minutes of bible reading in the morning.  He doesn’t want a specific and well-defined piece of me. 

He wants all of me.

He wants the comfort and peace I find in playing music.  He wants my desire to get married, my hope to be a mother.  He wants my compulsion to succeed at everything.  He wants my relationships.  He wants my family.  He wants my body shape and size.  He wants my bad habits and my good habits.  He wants every thing, person, and idea that I’ve ever desired, admired, or found attractive.

I belong to Him.  This is exactly what I need right at this moment.  “I need You like a hurricane, thunder crashing, wind and rain.”

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