They are the same, stupid, little, BIG questions that have haunted me for 20 years…
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if figuring out what I want is the most important thing here, either. Maybe the most important thing is discerning God’s will.
In fact, I know that the most important thing is discerning God’s will in my life!
But won’t it be all wrapped up together? Won’t God place in my heart the desires that He wishes me to follow?
Am I trying to reject God’s will for my life by considering not being a teacher anymore?
Or have I rejected God’s will for my life by becoming a teacher?
Perhaps I am just a dreamer, and that is part of my personality that I will always have to deal with. Perhaps I will always want more, or different, or future.
If that’s the case, should I put my dreamy notions into their “proper place” and live more in reality?
Or should I follow my instincts to reject reality and believe that dreamy notions are worthwhile?
Awhile back I came to the conclusion that it’s okay that I’m not passionate about teaching, it’s okay that it’s just a job, a way to pay the bills. I still believe that, although I wish it were a little more fun at the moment. But a new question arises…What do you live for? What is your purpose in this world? If not something that you’ve chosen for a career, then what?
Have you ever read the book The Dream Giver? Great book. Totally feeds my dreamy notions. 🙂
Two Big Dreams emerged for me as I read that book. One, of course, is to raise children. I have always wanted to be a mom, and once I understood what it really meant, I wanted to be a wife as well.
But I decided, that’s more of a vocation. Raising children doesn’t preclude the possibility for a “career,” whether you stay home with your kids or not. Obviously neither does marriage. Knowing that I would prefer to be married and have kids, if God has that in my future, doesn’t answer the question of, what is my purpose on this planet?
Besides, if God doesn’t have that vocation in my future, what will I live for? And I don’t mean that in a hopeless way, but more in a “close one door and open a hundred windows” sort of way. If I have my entire life in front of me, with no husband or children, (and that’s still an if, but one in need of considering!), then what out of the thousands of options shall I do with my time, energy, love, and passion?
So along came the other Big Dream, which I realized was the real thing. I was placed on this planet to sing and play and listen to and participate in the world of music. I “gave it up” a long time ago, partially because it seemed like a selfish thing…How can I do good in the world with something that I love so much?
And even now, I realize over and over that I just can’t be happy doing anything else. Is that really a reason to make decisions? Because I am not happy? What about making a difference? What about doing something good for your fellow humans?
Well…what about it? How about my earlier question…How can I do good in the world with something that I love so much? If there are ways to really answer that question, wouldn’t that be the best way to go?
But how do I find out what those ways might be? How about starting by asking God to place desires in my heart and opportunities in my life that He wants me to pay attention to? I don’t know what will come next, but I know I can trust the One who is sending those desires and opportunities.
An interesting sidenote…Not once as I read The Dream Giver did I think: I was put on this planet to be a teacher. And I think a lot of people are. But I’m not one of them. Should that be a lesson to me?
For the past six years or more, I have assumed that I will leave the world of teaching behind one day. And it doesn’t make me sad or afraid. I’m afraid to leave the security of income, the freedom of summers off, the approval of others by having an acceptable life path, etc., but leaving teaching itself? No big deal.
And marriage and motherhood? Well, I have no way to know, at this moment, if those things are in my future. I hope so, but recently I’ve come to accept that they are not a “given,” that there’s no reason to assume and every reason to consider all the options. And it’s harder to mentally “leave behind” the idea of being a mom, and I will probably never leave behind the hope of being married…but if I were to be single my whole life, I would still be myself.
But also for the past six years or more, I have tried to leave the world of music behind. And I can’t do it, because it would be like leaving part of myself behind. Not singing or playing any instruments or even listening to and enjoying music would turn me into a person I wouldn’t recognize.
Case in point… I’ve been listening to the song “Can’t Have You” by the Jonas Brothers. (Don’t judge! 🙂 You already knew I was on a Jonas Brothers kick!) I don’t wanna fall asleep ’cause I don’t know if I’ll get up/And I don’t wanna cause a scene but I’m dying without your love/Begging to hear your voice tell me you love me too/’Cause I’d rather just be alone, if I know that I can’t have you. I want to care about anything or anyone as much as that. And right now, I don’t. To be completely truthful, it’s not that I need a new job. It’s not that I need to have a career in the world of music. It’s not that I need to fall in love. Although all of those things sound wildly attractive. It’s just that I’m looking for something…anything…worth living for.