I am feeling SO much better! I slept about 12 hours last night, which scares me a little, so I’m going to go to bed here in a bit to make sure I get a good night’s sleep before going back to work tomorrow. And I’m still coughing, and it still sounds a little scary when I cough. But it sounds much worse than it feels, and I don’t think anyone got to see just how horrible I felt about six or seven days ago, so I’m going to be confident in my healing. 🙂
Here is what’s bothering me at this moment…SCHOOL. I went the whole weekend pretty much without thinking about it. That was an intentional decision. I decided just to ignore the whole issue of teaching for a few days and enjoy my brothers & sisters, who all came to visit. The thing is, for the past nine days, while I’ve been sick, any image of my classroom or my job has thrown me into a wave of nausea. And as long as I’m thinking about school, or thinking about how much I’d rather NOT be a teacher at the moment, I can’t sleep. So I need to get it all out tonight, so that I can sleep, because if last night is any clue, I’m going to need all the sleep I can get. So I apologize in advance for any bluntness or negativity that might be forthcoming.
Point #1: I am SO far behind! I can’t just put it out of my mind until 8:30 tomorrow, and then suffer through the day, because it’s first grade. I know preschool like the back of my hand, and I can totally wing it any day I need to. First grade, not so much. I don’t know what my class did without me last week, and I don’t know what I should do tomorrow. I don’t know where my math pacing guide is to plan math this week, I don’t know if my coteacher plans to do science tomorrow or wants me to do social studies, I don’t know how much of language arts she’s planning to take over this week…
Which brings me to…
Point #2: Coteaching SUCKS! I can’t stand this. My coteacher and I are very different when it comes to how we go about a day and a week. There are issues which she handles more “freely” than me…schedules, plans, timing. If I plan to do math from 12:15-1:00, I’d rather not suddenly find out at 12:10 that she’d rather do handwriting during that time. And there are other issues where I feel constricted by her…talking in the classroom, having fun during the day, allowing the kids to be themselves and have their own ideas about things. “Sit down and be quiet all day” doesn’t work for me, as a teacher. “Shut up and don’t ask me about frogs right now” doesn’t work for me. You know my feelings–that’s not how kids learn best! Also, I feel like a para, because my coteacher seems to feel the need to SAVE ME from everything, since I’m the poor little girl who has never taught first grade before. Well guess what? If you don’t let me fall in and swim my way out, I’ll never learn!
Point #3: I don’t think I want to learn! After just a couple weeks of school, I’m 95% certain that first grade is not for me. I’m so glad I did this, of course, otherwise I’d still be in preschool wondering if I’m missing out on something I’d enjoy more. But now that I know, it’s so hard to accept that it will be months before I can do anything about it, and in the mean time, I DO have to act like I care about this job and learn how to do it well. And when the time comes, I can request a move to preschool, but what if there are no preschool openings in the district? And, I’d absolutely consider looking for a new job, but two things make me hesitate. One, what if the early childhood job I find isn’t as awesome as the one I just gave up? Two, I don’t LOVE being a teacher. Is it worth all the trouble of finding a new job doing something I don’t love in the first place?
Point #4, and the thought that’s been torturing me for quite some time…If I don’t want to be a teacher, what do I want to do? And really, should I even be allowing that thought to cross my mind right now? But on the other hand, I’m so miserable about my job, how can I survive other than to dream about what I might do when this horrible school year is over?
Remember the time I was considering moving to Seattle? And completely changing career paths? Nothing came of it, of course, but dreaming got me through a tough period. I’d expect some more of the same if I were you!
Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream? –“That’s Just the Way We Roll” by Jonas Brothers