I am SO not tired. So very awake. I’m sure it’s boring to read about someone else’s insomnia, so, fair warning, go read something else! 🙂
I went to bed at 9:20, and watched one episode of Dharma & Greg, and then tried to go to sleep. Finally at about 10:45, after tossing and turning, and listening to some little kid playing (loudly) on the balcony two floors up, I decided I should just get out of bed for a little while. I worked on housecleaning, folding laundry, etc. until midnight. Then, still wide awake, I turned off all the lights in my apartment, and sat down in bed to catch up on some blog reading.
And that’s where I am now. I’m not sleepy. I’m not doing the usual avoiding bed, (I’m in bed…again!), I’m just wide, wide awake! I was actually looking forward to going to bed, all day. I took a 20 minute nap this evening, and I’m wondering if that messed me up.
I close my eyes, and I see and hear one of my students. Smirking and doing the exact opposite of what I said.
I open my eyes, and I wonder what else I could do for a living if I didn’t want to be a teacher.
I close my eyes and remind myself that no matter what, I have to be a teacher for about 165 more days. Oh, and there’s my student again. Running away from me and screaming like a toddler, I mean, disrupting the class. Awesome.
I open my eyes and read a blog post about one family’s “unschooling plan.” I think about my dream life, being a wife and a mother and homeschooling/unschooling a houseful of kids.
I close my eyes and wonder if I will get to try that life. Not in a “poor me” way, just, I wonder. Because if not, if I will not get married, if I have my entire life in front of me to do whatever I want except be a wife and mother…is teaching what I want to do? Oh, yes, and there’s my student. Kicking me in the shins and shreiking as the principal and I drag , ahem, lead him gently down the hall.
Because, let’s face it, any job or career was always just a placeholder until I could get started on my “real” life work, raising kids. Unlike someone who wants to be, say, a doctor, who knows in their heart that medicine is their life’s work, there are things about my “goal,” if you can call it that, that cannot be pursued. I’m not going to marry someone who is not right for me just so I can be a wife and mother. I am not going to purposely be reckless and irresponsible with my choices while I’m single so that I can have a child. Of course. But barring those two options, I’m in an “it will happen when it happens, if it happens” stage.
(NOT to judge anyone who is a single parent. I choose to live my life this way, and I respect and honor your choices as well. You know that, right?)
Trust me when I tell you, I’m not crushed if I am meant to be single. I’m actually quite accepting of it right now. It wouldn’t be my preference, but He who is in charge is much smarter than me, and I’ll take His way over mine any day. But accepting singleness as an actual possibility is resulting in me wanting to make my choices and plans differently. If the plan that I always thought was the most important is out of the picture…what is important?
I have no freaking idea.