Ingrained Beliefs


This is going to be one of those posts that takes you too far inside my head.  Consider yourself warned.

I had what turned out to be a pivotal conversation the other day.  I’ve been replaying it and processing it, and some important realizations are coming to the surface.  I just need to hash it out a little bit.  And for some reason, I feel the need to hash it out in a place where people can read it.  Remember when I jokingly said a line in a song was “everything that’s wrong with me?”  I was being dramatic, of course, but I’m starting to think these things that are coming to the surface really are everything that’s wrong with me…

ONE…  There are certain experiences in my life that have taught me that it’s not okay to be emotionally attached.  To anything or anyone.  It’s not okay to want to get involved.  It’s not okay to want someone to know me deeply, or to want to know someone deeply.  It’s not okay to care.  It’s not okay to want to tell someone about what I’m happy or sad about.  Because it doesn’t matter as much as I think it does, and I shouldn’t be happy or sad about it.

For 27 years, my instincts have been screaming my desire to be close to people, to be involved, to know them and let them know me.  But there’s also this giant voice trying to shout them down, telling me, “A good little girl doesn’t need those silly things.”

Maybe that’s why I blog and let you “too far” inside my head…because I want you to know me.  I almost can’t do it real life, but here, it’s like a loophole in the “rule.”  You can choose to read this, or not.  I’m not forcing myself upon you, so to speak.

Which brings me to…

TWO…  I can’t even imagine how stupid this is going to sound, but I’m going to say it anyway.  The moment that pivotal conversation was over, I had a thought:  Maybe, if someone doesn’t enjoy me or like me or want me around, it’s not because I’m not enjoyable or loveable.  Maybe it’s their issue and has nothing to do with whether or not I am doing the right things to deserve their attention.  See, it’s stupid.  It sounds like something every adult in their right mind should already know.  For some reason, that’s the first time it occurred to me. 

27 years of experience, those are some tall and strong walls.  If I have made a friend in the past 27 years, it’s thanks to their wonderfulness, not mine.  And their willingness to push themselves into my life, despite my walls.  If marriage is in God’s plan for me, it’s going to take a really great guy to break down those walls, because I’m not the one who built them.  They were built for me when I was too little to understand.  What I knew was right, was.  People are made for relationships.  It’s a strange and seemingly childish place to be, to want to have relationships, but to feel the need to pretend not to need or want them.

God put me on this earth to love and be loved.  I know that for sure.  So, I can also be sure that I am loveable and that I should want to love and be loved!  I’m just not yet sure how that translates into real life…

(photo credit: SL Searson)

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