Dealing with the crap. Alone.

Screw it.  I don’t need a whole week to confirm the purpose of this blog.  Here it is:  I live alone.  I don’t do well alone.  The opportunity to blog buffers the “alone” in my life.  I need somewhere to vent and tell my stories and get out my frustrations at the end of the day, and there’s no one here to do that.

So, I’m not going to succumb to pressure to blog every day, or to be completely positive all the time.  I’m going to trust that if I get all the depressing and tortured crap out of me in this blog, you will remember what I nice person I really am.  🙂  I am also going to trust that you understand that I write this blog for me, for my own sanity, and that I do lots of nice, unselfish things in my life, but this isn’t one of them.  You can also find good things, and pictures, and funny stories, and quotes, and whatnot.  But this blog is about getting out all the strong emotions so that in real life, I can treat people kindly.

So, here is the discussion that’s been brewing inside me for five days…

There is a game that we play on this planet called My Life Is Worse Than Your Life.  You’ve played this game, I know you have.  But you probably don’t realize you’ve done it until the conversation is over.  It starts with someone trusting you with their problems.  You start the game when, instead of being supportive, you respond by telling them similar problems in your own life.  And it goes back and forth with a little subtle, almost unnoticeable, competition.  “But my life is worse because…”  “No, no, my life is definitely worse because…”

I get sucked into it on the following topics:  marriage, motherhood, money.  The three m’s.  Do not tell me that since you got married when you were 31, you know all about what I should be doing right now, you think I’m so young and I should be having fun, etc.  I have been waiting a long time for this, despite the fact that I am “only” 27.  Do not tell me that your life sucks because you don’t sleep through the night anymore.  I would give my right arm to have a baby waking me up in the night.  Do not tell me you are broke because you only have a couple hundred dollars in your checking account and you had to transfer some from savings.  I am not blessed with natural skill in this area, and I am still trying to learn how to manage my money, and not live paycheck-to-paycheck.

Basically, do NOT respond to my problems by telling me why I’m so lucky to have these problems.  NONE of us is any more or less “lucky” than anyone else.  My problems are problems for me, and they are stressful, and you can’t fix it by telling me why I’m so “lucky.”  You just piss me off more.  And don’t tell me, oh, you just don’t understand yet, you’ll know what it feels like when you’re married or you have kids or whatever.  Do you have any idea how condescending that feels?  Like I’m not entitled to stress because I’m not married yet???  Like even though I’m 27, I am not to be considered an adult, but a child who doesn’t know the first thing about life???

I have been through a lot in my life, a hell of a lot more than some people who have been married since they were 20.  I was more responsible at the age of 17 than many 30-year-olds.  I had been through more relationship crap by my 21st birthday than I hope most people have to see in their entire lives.  Do you want me to tell specific stories?  Because I could, but you wouldn’t want your children to read my blog.  My childhood crap and my college boyfriend crap has made me strong and mature, and grow up faster than anyone should.  So if I needed a few years of peace, if it takes me just a little longer to get from 21 to married with kids, don’t look at me like I’m so innocent and naive!!!

We all have crap from our lives, but the only crap I know is my own.  So please, just let me yell about it here, and then I will be able to promise you that, to the best of my ability, in real life I will be supportive when you come to me with problems.

See?  I don’t do well alone.  I get selfish and angry.  If I have someone to take care of, I’m on top of the world.  If I have someone to play with and argue with and do things with, life is good.  But I don’t.  I wake up alone.  I go home alone.  I eat dinner alone.  Whatever happened to the days when a girl went straight from her father’s house to her husband’s house???  Mark my words.  In 70 years, you’re going to see that from the time I started living alone to whenever I get married, this will be the darkest, most unhappy, most personally challenging part of my life.  Not because childhood was easy, or because marriage will be easy.  Just because this is who I am, and none of it is easy, but this is the only part that is alone.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mom
    Nov 24, 2008 @ 21:35:35

    We love you anyway!


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