Despise and Dread

A disclaimer before I start…  If you wish to be uplifted or inspired, this is one of the many times when it would be in your best interest to go read something else.  I am feeling stress about one thing, and I’m not going to share it with you on my blog.  But for me, stress doesn’t stay within the boundaries of one issue, it bleeds into the rest of my life as well.  So instead, I’m going to act out by sharing something that is mostly true, all true, but is more about how I feel today than about the issue I’m going to talk about.  Make sense?  Good, let’s begin…

I hate weddings.  Hate them.  Despise them.  Dread them.  I’m on the verge of becoming one of those lonely single women who just doesn’t go to them anymore, as pathetic as that sounds.  Which is ironic, because I love romance, and the idea of marriage, and all that good stuff.  But here’s the deal…To have to actually show up and watch it happen in real life, is like torture.  It’s like rubbing salt in the wound of the thing I want most but can’t have, apparently.  It’s like if you told me I couldn’t eat anymore, but I had to go sit at the table and watch everyone else eat.  And I’m starving!

I know it’s bitter and selfish.  I’m happy for you, if you get to eat.  I just don’t know how many more times I can sit at the table and watch you do it.  Does that make sense?

The only times I’ve had a great time at a wedding have been when I had some sort of romance going on in my own life.  Even then, there is going to be a moment where I just need to go to the bathroom, be by myself, breathe, and gather what feels like super-human strength.

This may be the root of why I always have these crazy ideas about what I’m going to do when I get married.  I just can’t bear the thought of inflicting that on someone else.  Do I want my Daddy to walk me down a church aisle, to the sound of some beautiful majestic music?  Yes.  Do I want everyone to ding their glasses to tell my new husband to kiss me in front of everyone?  Of course!  Do I want to pick a song that, for the rest of our lives, will be our first dance as husband and wife?  Absolutely.  But sometimes I think that the only people that enjoy all that are the bride and groom, so what’s the point of inviting a couple hundred people to watch???

I have to sing at a wedding this weekend with my church choir.  I don’t know the couple at all, the mother of the groom is the choir director.  So all I can hope is that it’s more “party with the choir” than focus on the bride and groom.

How many more times will I be expected to do this?

At my friends’ wedding, they pulled me into a silly slow dance between them, me, and two of our other friends who had been married a month before.  It was the five of us, and it was sweet and fun, and so very like the four of them to take care of me so sweetly.  But the biggest thought in my head was, what is it about me that is so much more awful than these other two girls that nobody wants to do this with me?  I am so awful that the most permanent relationships in my life are with people whose most permanent relationships are with someone else?  Where does that leave me?  Alone.

I have a bad habit of feeling “not good enough.”  It’s not very attractive, I know.

I read through what I’ve written, and I don’t even know how to say exactly what I mean.  I hate weddings, but I love weddings.  I’m not good enough, but I deserve better. 

The only truth I have today is this:  I need to yell, and you are in the path.  Go read something else.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Chad
    Oct 24, 2008 @ 05:57:07

    If you need to go drink tonight let me know:)

    Reply

  2. Mom
    Oct 26, 2008 @ 12:17:23

    I am seriously resisting the urge to try to fix it!

    Reply

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