And so on…

This is the third installment of the “week of soul searching…”

Except…it feels like I’m done searching.  My gut says, no masters in early childhood.  End of discussion.  I can’t go against that.  If, at a later time, my instincts tell me something different, great.

There is one thing I know.  This, apart from God’s love, is the only truth I have:  There is this thing in life that I’m going to call bliss.  There is a longing in humanity, a heart-pulled desire to be closer and closer to that which is good and beautiful and wonderful.  That longing feels awful and wonderful at the same time.  Watching a movie so wonderful that it makes you cry for wanting to fall in love.  And you watch it again and again, to feel that wonderful, awful longing.  Bliss is when you get a glimpse of that longing being satisfied.  I say a glimpse because I suspect that longing is actually longing for God, and it will only be completely satisfied when I see Him face to face.  But we do get glimpses, bliss, the best moments you ever have.  And the only times in my life when I have felt bliss, I have been singing or playing something.

You want to know something kind of funny?  I remember thinking that music is such a selfish thing for me to do, because it makes me feel so good!  How could I possibly choose a career based simply on what makes me SO happy?  Now I think that kind of happiness might just be God’s way of pointing out, here it is, this is your gift, take it, run with it, and use it for My glory.  Rejecting it, for any reason, might be the most selfish choice of all.

It strikes me over and over again, in the past few years, the weight my choice.  I’ve made many, many mistakes in my life.  Most of the time, in hinsight, I’m grateful for my mistakes.  Usually there was a lesson that I needed to learn, something that I couldn’t truly know unless I screwed it up.  Even when I am in the midst of pain because of my mistakes, I feel very little regret.  I’m sorry that I had to screw up to learn, but I realize the lesson was more important than the pain.  In contrast, I feel huge regret for my choices to leave music behind entirely.  I see moments when God was clearly telling me, this is who you are, this is where you need to be.  But I rejected the messages.  I wish that when I was 20 or 21, and I was beginning to experience the pain of being separated from music, I would have realized how young I was, and how there were probably many, many more options than I could see, and how an extra few semesters of college would be a small price to pay for reconnecting with my true path.  I wish I would have been braver.  It’s so clear now, that was the moment, that’s the choice that changed it all.  How could I have been so stupid?  And where in the world do I go from here?

I think I’ve left out talking about one of my most attractive options.  I could change paths a little and become a music teacher.  Like, general music.  You know, music class, on the days when you don’t get to go to P.E.  🙂  I don’t quite know how.  But a colleague who is the music teacher at my school taught 2nd grade for many years before she switched to music.  She doesn’t have a music degree, I’m sure she probably does have a music endorsement.  (An “endorsement” is the smallest unit of college credit that can end up on a teaching license, if you’re not familiar with the term.  Less than a minor, way less than a major.)  I don’t know for sure that I would want to do that, but it’s something to explore.  I need to ask questions, watch her a little more carefully this year.  I have a friend who used to be a music teacher, I should ask her some questions also.  I’ve already got a million.

One thing I know.  I would be different from the music teacher at my school.  I would do it differently.  She uses me as a resource on a regular basis, because she doesn’t know how to play piano.  She teaches almost entirely from cds.  The cds that are available for elementary music programs are fantastic, because they can add so much to a performance.  But I have a feeling I would be teaching day-to-day by playing the piano to accompany the students.  Also, her students sit and sing, day after day.  Mine would play whatever little instruments I could find.  Do you remember how much fun a glockenspeil or recorder added to a random music class when you were ten?  🙂

I would definitely need some more information and skills…How to teach music.  How kids learn music.  If I continue any education, maybe it should be towards that.  Maybe.

But for now, my instincts tell me: I’m not ready for a change.  I need more time to think and ask questions.  I just need more time.  I realize that I’m an adult, and I’m supposed to be acting like one by now.  But I’m just a little lost, and I just need more time.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Doris
    Jun 25, 2008 @ 18:36:38

    I am a few years older than you and I still sometimes think I need to decide what I am going to do when I grow up. Maybe we never stop growing up.
    Love Doris


  2. Mom
    Jun 26, 2008 @ 07:29:29

    If you decide to be a music teacher, you would be fantastic. Your enthusiasm for any kind of music would definitely be your greatest asset.


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