Boxes

I’m going to be the weird girl that drinks green guck early in the morning, aren’t I?  There is this scene in The Thomas Crowne Affair where the female main character walks into the police station to start a day’s work, and she’s looking very crabby, tired, half asleep, really.  The other guys try to start discussing the case with her, and she won’t talk until she pours this green lumpy goo into her cup and starts drinking it.  I remember thinking, yuck, there is nothing that color that can possibly be worth drinking in the morning!  Now, on my third day of the green smoothie high…I can see the possibility that these green smoothies might actually replace my love for coffee.  I feel GREAT!  After only three days, my cravings have changed so much.  I don’t feel hungry between meals.  I haven’t had any coffee, yet I haven’t craved the caffeine kick mid morning like I usually do if I don’t drink any.  I haven’t even craved sugar at all…I have eaten some, out of habit, but even as I was unwrapping a bite sized candy bar yesterday afternoon, I was thinking, doesn’t a smoothie sound so much better than this?  Not because it tastes better, because it tastes good and different, but chocolate has its own value!  But because a smoothie feels better for the rest of the time it’s in my body.  I read people’s testimonies about how much better they felt, how much their cravings went away, but I didn’t really believe that it would happen to me, and certainly not in the first three days!

This new habit is so outside of the box…you know, the place where the cool kids live.  I’m not meant for boxes, despite my best efforts!  My entire childhood, I wanted nothing more than to be inside the box, to be exactly like everyone else.  I did not want to stand out or be noticed for being different in any way.  There were many times when I would have loved to not get good grades so easily!  But I always end up outside of normal.

My mom left a comment with a link to an article, Why Catholics and Protestants Don’t See Eye to Eye.  The author puts Catholic and Protestand thought into two neat, separate boxes.  As well he should, to write a clear concise article!  And his point was that in order to be united as a Church, we need to understand each other, and the point was well made.  But it really pointed out that I don’t live in either box.

If I can let go of the need to belong and to be accepted…but then, no one should live in an entire world that does not accept them or where they do not feel as though they belong.  I am actually not the only Catholic-turned-Protestant-turned-Catholic that I know.  And we do understand one another, and we understand each other’s fierce attachment to Catholicism that would not have been true for us had we not experienced another tradition.  Not because it is better, but because it is home.  And obviously thanks to the world of blogging, I am not the only green smoothie drinker that I know.  There has even been some discussion of how to deal with spouses that don’t understand the green smoothie attachment.  If they can live in a family that doesn’t conform, I can certainly live in a world where most aren’t like me.

That’s it.  It’s not the need to be accepted, but the need to be the same.  If I can let go of the need to be the same.  I don’t want to need to be different, either.  I just want to be firmly and totally me, and let the sameness or difference fall where it may.

Case in point…Did you know that, if I get married and have kids, if I can possibly get away with doing it safely, I’m going to have my babies at home, not at a hospital?  🙂  How is that for a controversial topic?  Yet, it’s not something that you could change my mind on.  I have my parameters…if there is anything high-risk, or if the father of the babies is not able to get comfortable with the idea…and I will absolutely be doing this with a trained professional, someone who knows a lot more about the process than I do.  At this point there is so much more I will need to find out by that time, but it comes down to this.  Pregnancy is not sickness.  A woman in labor is not sick.  Hospitals are for sick people.  I have known this for a couple of years, but I don’t say anything.  Why?  Because I want to fit in the box.  But that doesn’t change me.  When it comes down to it, this is something I will have to bring up to my husband, if I do get married and get pregnant.  Because if I just live in the box, I will be in the hospital, having my baby down the hall from all the sick people, and I will know that this is not the right choice for me.  Or at least that I never pursued something that very likely could be the right choice for me.  Basically, I will be living someone else’s life.  For you, having your baby in the hospital might be the right choice.  Or you might bring your baby home via an adoption process.  Good for you!  I’m proud of you for doing what is best for you!  I need to do that, too.

Comment all you want.  🙂

The POINT is, as much as I want to live in the box, and not stand out, and blend in with everyone else…I can’t live like that.  My life doesn’t work like that.  I’m guessing, neither does yours.  There are a hundred things I do every day that place me firmly in the box, but what I notice are the things that make me different.  We are all like that, I bet.  What do you love, can’t help but loving, but makes you feel different, outside of the box?  Ironic, this thought that we all have things that feel outside the box, makes me feel a little more inside the box!  🙂  So share…leave a comment…what is it about you that, when push comes to shove, you would stand up for with everything inside of you…but maybe you wish sometimes that you didn’t feel that way?

As I was typing the last paragraph, I was listening to this song, “Elsewhere,” performed by Bethany Joy Galeotti on One Tree Hill, and originally performed by Sarah MacLachlan.  I’ve only copied a few lines, the ones that seem so pertinant…

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out, holding in

I believe..
this is heaven to no one else but me
And I’ll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
would you try to understand?

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can’t you see I’ve got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me?
Might not be right for you but it’s right for me
I believe…

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Doris
    Apr 23, 2008 @ 09:07:10

    I do have a couple of comments…On the where to have a baby, remember there is an emerging or re-emerging choice of a birthing home. It isn’t a hospital but it is staffed by midwifes and has ready connection to a hospital. Then if the father of the baby is not Okay with having a baby at home you can get outside of both those boxes and into another on.

    The green smoothie thing…I was doing fruit smoothies to replace breakfast for a while then found it was the milk making me sick, I switched to soy milk but it just doesn’t taste the same. Do you know if there is any other “base” for smoothies for us lactose intolerant wimps?

    Reply

  2. Sarah
    Apr 28, 2008 @ 22:54:25

    Read my comment in response to Why Catholics and Protestants Don’t See Eye to Eye on my blog, The Respite, at http://www.sjbrincks.spaces.live.com.

    Doris – the base for my smoothies is bananas. However, I don’t really like the taste, so if you find something that works as well as bananas, please fill me in! Nectarines? Peaches? Over-ripe pears?

    Reply

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