Four days left!

I watched The Biggest Loser live finale tonight, and I worked out with The Boy.  Working out has kicked off some serious healthy habits for me.  I haven’t really put much effort into eating better, but I have been accidentally eating a little better.  A pair of jeans that I couldn’t button in October, I wore to work today.  🙂  But “the beast” comes back once in awhile, without warning.  Today was one of those days.

One of the contestants on The Biggest Loser said tonight that once you’re obese, you’re always obese, like being an alcoholic.  “Hi, my name is Isabeau and I’m obese.”  Even though she’s a blonde beach babe now.  I have not been obese, (…and please don’t correct me if you disagree…like my body image needs any more competition…) but I’ve definitely been a binger.  Once a binger, always a binger?  I hope not.  I don’t want to be a “dieter,” because that’s just the flip side of that.  I want to be a healthy, appropriate eater.  Actually, I want to be a person who eats appropriately.  🙂  As Victoria Moran said in Fit From Within, I am not a body, I am a soul, and I have a body.  I am not an appropriate eater or a binger, I am a soul.  🙂  Anyway, I want to eat because I’m hungry, or have a taste of something because it’s yummy or I have a craving.  When I engage in inappropriate eating, it’s not about weight, nutrition, food, or hunger.  It’s about how I have feelings I don’t want to feel. 

Today I have feelings I don’t want to feel.  I’ve been binging so long that I can barely even figure out what they are, even when I recognize the pattern.  So I’m still working on what they are tonight.  But I engaged in inappropriate eating.  Who binges on peas???  🙂  I had a cup of hot cocoa that I really didn’t want, followed by an entire can of peas.  You can say, one cup of hot cocoa won’t hurt much, and two and a half servings of peas won’t hurt anything at all.  Nutritionally, you’re right.  But remember, it’s not about nutrition.  I had already eaten supper, I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to eat rather than deal with whatever it is I’m feeling.  Hot chocolate and peas are just as inappropriate as cake and ice cream in that situation.

I think it’s about my house being a mess right now.  It’s about needing to finish my Christmas shopping, and not really wanting to go shopping.  It’s about how I don’t know what will happen to The Boy’s and my working out routine after I move.  It’s about I don’t know what will happen with the weather this weekend when I’m trying to move.  It’s about how Tara suggested going out for my birthday, and I really wanted to, but it’s just not going to fit in.  It’s a tiny bit about the adjustment from “single” to “dating someone.”  Just a tiny bit.  🙂

I feel out of control of my life.  That’s what it’s about.

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