A Tour of All My “Problems”

What is UP???  Why does a huge step forward always have to be followed by a step back???  Is cake an addiction?  Did somebody put some heroine in mine?  🙂

You know if you’ve been reading this blog that I really, really struggle with eating healthfully.  Especially in the last few years.  Specifically, it’s more like I find it hard to stop with just a reasonable serving of foods that are not so healthful.  I LOVE healthy foods!  Truthfully!  There’s just something about a piece of cake with ice cream that leads down a path that involves two or three more pieces.  Gooey warm brownies do the same thing sometimes.

Not too long ago, I gave up.  I can’t kick this on my own.  I told God, take it away!  I don’t want it anymore, but I can’t master it myself, so it’s yours now.  I want to not want to eat cake.  (I’m saying “cake,” but I also mean brownies, pie, you get the idea.  Things that I always want more.)  Just yesterday, I was thinking, woo-hoo, it worked!  I ate so normally yesterday, and I had no desire for anything more.  Today is a whole different story.  You don’t want to know.

That’s really the problem, isn’t it?  Wanting more.  Wanting what I can’t have, or at least what I can’t have today.  I want a certain situation in my life to happen faster than it’s happening.  I want a certain relationship in my life to be different, be more what I need from this particular relationship.  And for the love of God, the little girl in me wants SOMEBODY to come to my concert tomorrow! 

In case you’re confused, those are three separate issues.  And I can’t have any of that, nor should I.  I just want.

Issue number one.  I don’t want this particular situation to happen more quickly than it’s supposed to!  If it’s supposed to happen, it will.  And I want it to be right.  So I summon my patience and I truly enjoy where we are right now.  I want this person in my life, in whatever role he is supposed to be, so I will wait and see what role that is.

Number two.  It’s a biggie.  This is an issue that I will probably always struggle with…although…Just a year ago, this relationship was making me so distraught.  I could see no way out of the bitterness, but breaking off contact isn’t an option.  Besides which, it’s only on my end, as far as I can tell.  Which makes it worse because there’s nothing to resolve.  I came to a point where I simply asked God to take care of it.  Or if He couldn’t, to take care of me, because I didn’t know what I could do to not have this hanging over my head all the time.  I didn’t hope for the other person to change, because that just doesn’t happen.  I just hoped for a better way to deal with it.  And guess what God gave me?  Space.  The ability to separate myself from this person, emotionally.  The ability to see that it’s the hand I’ve been dealt, and I’m a stronger person for it.  The ability to be somewhat compassionate even when I’m feeling all the bitterness.  And the bitterness has been fading away, too. 

But there are still times when I want it to be different!  I want this person to take an interest in me, get to know me, care about me!  To actually want to have a relationship with me!  When I remember that’s NEVER going to happen, I just want to be BETTER than this person.  I want to never, NEVER be like this person in ANY way.  So far, it’s not going so well. 

Issue number three.  So not a big deal.  I laugh at myself for even letting it get to me a little today.  🙂  Here’s the thing I know about performance.  It is a more fulfilling experience from the stage than from the audience.  This is true with marching band, musical theater, speech & drama, vocal music, any kind of performance I have ever done.  You pay money for a ticket, but I get more out of it.  I have gone from timidly singing an unfamiliar piece of music to confidently singing my part without barely looking at the music.  It is an accomplishement of which I never grow tired.  Especially with St. Vincent’s choir, and the music they select, I would even consider it a spiritual experience, a form of prayer and worship, every time.  You just don’t get that much out of it by buying a ticket and sitting in the audience, and I get that.  So please, don’t come unless YOU really want to.  Of course I wish someone was going to be there, because it’s pretty lonely just going home by myself after a concert, nobody to celebrate with, and we all know how much I enjoy being alone.  🙂  But that’s all it is, nothing at all.

You know, God could solve the majority of my problems just by making me a wife and a mom so I’d have a houseful of people.  🙂  He’s choosing not to do that right now, and I accept that.  Nothing ever gets easier by avoiding it, so I’m sure I need to figure out how to be happy and alone at the same time. 

My friends Dave and Christine and I had a conversation last week about people thinking they will be happier after they get married.  I don’t think that.  Marriage is a huge challenge, a lifelong undertaking, and I get that.  I want to get married because it’s a challenge that I want, a role that I feel I was made for.  I already know I’m happier in a house full of people, but that’s something I need to work on, not a reason to get married.  🙂  If anything, it’s a reason NOT to get married, not until I can work this out.

Wow, I wandered through a few topics in this one!  What category to put it in, seriously???  🙂  How about “growth?”  🙂


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Doris
    Oct 29, 2007 @ 10:56:33

    Issue 1 and 2 are out of my realm. Now issue 3 is a little more accessible to me. I know it is more rewarding to preform for a few people you know but this is a long way to come back on a Sunday evening. I tried to get the arrangements made to get there and when that didn’t happen I tried to get Jessica a ride since she still wanted to go. I guess we will just have to stop by on a Sunday morning and harrass you then. I am sure you did great!
    Love you,


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