Random late-night stream of consciousness…

Here we go again.  It is about 11:30, and I will be getting up in 6 hours.  A couple of hours ago, I felt tired, but now I’ve found that second wind.  And I feel like venting, so watch out.  This entry will be all over the place, badly written, personal, vague…I’d go read something else if I were you…  🙂

Doesn’t it suck when the person you want to talk to is in a bad mood?  There’s a particular person in my life who I would love to talk to about something very positive, but she’s going through something very negative in the same category, so I feel like I shouldn’t talk to her about this.  It sucks.  I selfishly want everyone to be happy when I’m happy.  🙂 

Now, about that positive thing…Emotional people like me go through a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings without ever speaking a word to another person!  That is so confusing, because I know what I’ve been through in the last however long, without talking to the other person, but I have no idea what he’s been thinking or feeling.  And I really, really don’t want to rush anything, because he is just a GREAT guy, and I want this to work out well, HOWEVER it works out.  I want him in my life, in WHATEVER role he’s meant for.  I want with all my heart to ask for God’s guidance in what to do or where this is supposed to go.  But then I get impatient and I just want to know, NOW!  And then I get very doubtful and confused, because based on one tiny interaction, I feel like I screwed things up, or he must not be thinking what I thought he was, or whatever.  However, every single interaction convinces me more of what a great person he is.  This is definitely an exercise in trusting God!  Such a girly paragraph…we’ll be finished with that now. 

I drive myself crazy!  Who else would want to put up with me???  You know it bothers me that I left my pajamas on the bathroom floor this morning?  It bothers me that I can’t go to bed at night, and therefore can’t get up in the morning.  It bothers me that I don’t remember to water my plants until they’re drooping.  It bothers me that there’s an expired mostly empty gallon of milk in the fridge that I keep forget to take out with the garbage. 

For a long time, I’ve felt like I need to improve myself, become closer to perfect, before having a significant other in my life.  I’m starting to think the opposite is true.  I need a significant other in my life NOW, so I will stop paying so much attention to myself and what’s wrong with me!  🙂 

YES!  I’m feeling tired again.  I’m going to take advantage of it RIGHT THIS MINUTE before it’s gone!  GOODNIGHT!!!  🙂


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