Unsatisfied.

I woke up at 3:45 a.m. today to take my sister to the airport, so anything I say in this post, you might not want to take me too seriously.  🙂

The last few days, I’ve been feeling…I don’t want to sit still and watch t.v.  I don’t want to dink around on the computer.  I don’t want to clean my house.  I don’t want to sit and read a book.  I don’t want to lay by the pool.  I don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to do anything remotely close to sitting still.

I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP!!!

I just want to work!  I’ve had such a great summer, with one great vacation and the second great vacation still coming up.  I’ve spent so much time at the pool, playing frisbee, riding my bike, reading, shopping…basically just pretending like I’m a kid.  🙂  It’s been awesome.  But I think I need to go back to work!!! 

And yet…

I have that itch, the one I usually get about 2/3 the way through the school year.  I don’t want to be a teacher.  This morning at the airport, Sarah and I were talking about pilots.  Apparently, being a commercial airline pilot is such a passion for these guys.  They go through this intense training, a strenuous process to actually get a job, followed by a career working crazy hours and being responsible for thousands of lives.  The do all that because they just can’t imagine being satisfied doing anything else. 

My first comment was that I can’t imagine that.  I’ve gotten used to my 8:00-4:00 job, I love having my weekends free, and my summers off.  I wouldn’t sacrafice that. 

And then I got thinking…If it seemed like I could truly be successful, I would sacrafice a lot to work in music.  The least of which would be the schedule!  Not even necessarily to perform, although I can’t think of a bigger high than doing something really well and having an audience appreciate that.  But I can imagine being incredibly passionate even about helping someone else in the process somewhere.  I don’t know enough about the music industry to know what actually goes on from the idea of a project through the selling of it as a performance or album or whatever.  But I would be thrilled to be behind the scenes somewhere in that process. 

Then comes the thought that occurs to me every time I start thinking this way…WHAT DID I DO?????  I totally gave it all up, didn’t look back for a second, because I happened to come across someone that told me I wasn’t good enough at playing clarinet.  WHAT was I thinking???  Someone tried to convince me to stay with music, do something else with it besides clarinet, like singing or piano or something.  Why didn’t I listen???

Teaching is just a job.  It’s fun and challenging, and it pays the bills.  (More or less…)  It’s certainly more fun than working at a grocery store.  But music is inside me.  I can’t let it go just by doing something else for a job.  It will always be there, whether I spend an hour a week playing piano all by myself and sing at church once in awhile, or whether I spend 60 hours a week working on a music related career.  So in a way, I miss the grocery store days.  Back then, I still believed that I would find a way to make this thing inside me the thing I get to do for a career. 

Right now I just feel…stuck.  I spent all this money, much of which I haven’t paid yet, to get an education for this career.  I picked this.  I made my bed, and now I have to sleep in it.  Or whatever. 

Is it just because I’m young and immature and I haven’t learned how much life just sucks and you have to deal with it?  Or did I really pick the wrong thing?  Does everybody have these moments?  Is anyone satisfied and fulfilled?  Or is it just me, choosing to fuel thoughts that make me unsatisfied and unfulfilled?  Or is it just that I’m bored and ready to go back to working harder than I am at the moment?

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