the BIG idea

I love this categories feature!  And also, woohoo, I’ve figured how to put hyperlinks in my blog!  🙂

I’m starting a new category called “fearlessness.”  Check out Amy’s comment on my last post for a great quote encouraging fearlessness.  It seems to be a recurring topic in my life right now.  And you know that means there will be many posts about my struggles with fear!

Right now I’m wrestling with something that I’ve started to think of as the “big idea.”  At first it was a pretend idea, mostly a joke.  Then one day it turned into a real idea.  Like, hey, we could actually do this if we wanted to.  Literally overnight, it turned into a great idea.  Then the reality of it sank in, and now I simply think of it as the BIG idea.  I don’t know if it’s a great idea or not.  But it’s huge.  And it’s scary.  Come on, fearlessness!

Here’s the idea…When my sister Sarah gets done with grad school in a year, we could be roommates.  (When I say it like that, it doesn’t sound scary at all, does it?)  The BIG part is that right now we’re considering being roommates in a city half way across the country.  I have never made a move like this entirely of my own choosing.  I moved to college because…well, it was time to go to college.  I moved here after college because I was placed here, partially against my will, for student teaching.  Both moves turned out to be wonderful experiences, and absolutely the right thing for me.  But I’ve never taken a huge step BECAUSE it’s the right thing for me.

I don’t know yet if this is definitely the right thing for me.  It feels like the right thing.  But it’s huge, so I’m giving it some time to feel wrong, if it’s going to.  It hasn’t yet.  But I have these moments, where one thought will make me want to go out on my balcony and scream.  Things like, I’d have to buy a plane ticket to see my best friends.  And my family.  No more Sunday dinners with Tara and Chad.  I’d have to start all over with a new job.  I’d have to find a new bank.  Will they have Targets there?  If not, where will I buy my toothpaste?  These “screaming on the balcony” moments shouldn’t stop me from taking this step, if it’s the right thing.  (I feel a rambling idea coming, watch out…)  But there’s one thing that keeps pulling me toward the balcony.  I’m 25.  That’s not old, and I know I haven’t missed my chance to get married, if that’s what God has in store for my life.  But I have wanted to get married for so long that I have moments where I feel like if I moved now, I would be starting all over again.  Starting what over, I don’t know.  It’s silly, and later I’ll have moments where that same thought makes me WANT to go.  Like maybe if I started over with whatever it is, it might work this time.  Hmm.  See, it’s silly. 

My brother gave me some great advice on this.  He said that the only way to find the right person is to do things and make choices that are right for me, and for him to be doing things and making choices that are right for him.  If we do that, our paths will cross at just the right time.  I love this perspective.  It reminds me that the only thing I can do to screw up God’s plan is to go against what I know is right for me.  And even when I do make those mistakes, I can’t destroy His plan.  He will get His way in my life, one way or another.  How awesome is that???  🙂

Thinking like that makes me want to go.  I am more excited about living with Sarah than I’ve been about anything in a long time.  The idea of facing such a huge thing with her is thrilling.  Not to say that I won’t have any more “screaming on the balcony” moments.  I might even decide that the right thing for me is to stay here.  Or I might decide to go.  Either way, the point is not to let the fearful moments alter my actions. 

One other thing that calms me is thinking about how I will deal with living so far away from so many people that I love.  I have the greatest career!  I get almost three months off every summer.  I could spend weeks visiting all those people every summer.   That is a comforting thought.

I heard somewhere once that courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the ability to act in spite of the fear.  In a sense, fearlessness is not the same thing as having no fear.  Maybe it means feeling the fear, working through it and putting it behind you, trusting God and yourself, and taking that step fearlessly.  The more I do that in small ways, the less fear I experience.  Maybe one day I will be truly fearless.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Tara
    May 23, 2007 @ 21:14:45

    Did you see that Sunset 60 is having 6 more shows? It’s going to be on Thursday nights at 9:00. I don’t know if it starts this Thursday or next Thursday though. I thought you’d be excited!!! Love ya!


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