Imperfect me

I know it seems like I’m always sharing my thoughts and opinions and problems on my blog.  I could share the details of what’s going on in my life, if you want.  But if I’m struggling with something, it helps to just get it out.  And for some reason, it helps that people can read it if they want to.  I feel like I’m actually telling someone, you know?

I think my problem with decisions is perfection.  I recently realized that I am constantly striving for perfection.  If I can’t do something perfectly, I don’t even attempt it.  If I don’t have time to get in a whole workout, with cardio, strength training, and stretching, I skip it altogether.  If I don’t have time to clean my whole house, I don’t even start.  If my sewing machine isn’t working, I won’t even cut out the pieces of fabric.  If I feel that I won’t make my goal of running a 10k this year, I won’t even go running at all. 

*I should preface the rest of this blog by saying, I didn’t mean to make this topic focused on food and body size.  Food and weight are BY FAR not the biggest issues of perfection that I struggle with.  And, I know what people say about me, and what you think when you look at me.  So please remember that what I see when I look in the mirror is probably very different from what you see when you look at me.* 

I realize that this is a horrible, defeatist attitude.  (Does anyone know how to spell “defeatist?”  Am I correct?)  (YOU SEE???  If I don’t know how to spell it, I hesitate to even use the word!!!)

I first realized that I don’t want to be like this when I was reading Intuitive Eating.  I’m so tired of worrying so much about what I eat.  But I was striving for perfection.  Six servings of whole grains.  Three servings of vegetables–different vegetables, of course, two servings of broccoli couldn’t count for two servings of vegetables.  Two different fruits.  Three glasses of milk.  And so forth.  Stay within the certain calorie limit I had set for myself.  And if I ate one thing that was out of my plan, screw it!  I may as well eat three bowls of cake and ice cream for supper and forget the whole thing.

But I don’t want to BE LIKE THAT!  I want to eat if I’m hungry.  I want to eat broccoli if my body craves broccoli, and eat pasta if my body craves pasta.  And eat cake and ice cream, if my body craves cake and ice cream, for crying out loud!  Because I’m lucky enough to have a body that craves broccoli, pasta, chicken, REAL FOOD, just as often as it craves “play food” like desserts.  I will never be five foot ten, I will never look like the celebrities that I see on t.v.  I can be a lovely five foot three, I can look fit and healthy, and feel that way too.  I would much rather feel like that than feel perpetually unsatisfied with myself.  I would rather FEEL healthy than LOOK skinny.

Anyway, to drive home my point, there is no perfect.  Not in this world.  Perfect is saved for the next world.  Maybe the woman who is five foot ten and weighs 135 pounds is miserable because she constantly craves pasta and ice cream that she isn’t supposed to eat, if she wants to maintain this “perfect” body.  I don’t want to be like that, either.  Maybe the person with the perfectly clean house drives her kids crazy because they can’t relax and have a good time in their own home, they always have to worry about messing up the perfection. 

So maybe it’s weird that I haven’t realized this before, but this perfection thing spills over into every area of my life.  I can’t make a decision because neither choice seems “perfect.”  And if I can’t be perfect, why bother?  Well, NOT ANYMORE!!!  This isn’t happening overnight, but I’m just trying to remember what I used to know, that the joy of life is in the unpredictable, the unplanned, and the imperfect.


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