Decisions

I’ve never really considered myself a bad decision-maker.  That is to say, I’ve never found it particularly hard to make decisions.   I make plenty of bad decisions, I just usually have no problem in the moment of deciding.

Pardon the fog, I’m suffering from the side effects of Benadryl.  🙂

Anyway, back to the topic.  A great example is when I bought my car.  A car is sort of a big decision.  It’s a money commitment, and not just a little bit of money.  It’s my second biggest bill each month.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s in most people’s top two or three each month.  Besides which, being a single girl in a city that I am still getting to know, I wanted reliable transportation.  A car I can trust not to break down.  But it was pretty easy to decide.  I went with my friend Brian, and we test drove a couple, and I picked the one that fit my budget and my needs.  No problem.  It took one day.  And, I might point out, it turned out to be not such a good decision in some ways.  I’m in a lease, which means I’m stuck with it for a certain number of months.  Also, I have a limit on how many miles I can drive within this lease, and I’m going to be WAY over, which means I’ll have to pay extra.  But despite the way it’s turning out, it wasn’t that stressful of a decision.

I might point out, too, that one of my favorite quotes comes from Dawson’s Creek, of all places, and it’s about decisions.  Jack says that there might not be a “right” choice or a “wrong” choice, but just a bunch of choices.  Meaning that you can’t always know in advance whether the consequences of your decisions will be positive or negative, or even a combination of positive and negative consequences.  Sometimes you just have to choose, and accept the consequences as they come.  Like my car situation–The two choices were leasing or buying, and there wasn’t a right choice and a wrong choice, there were just two choices.  There are plenty of positive consequences to leasing, and there would be plenty of positive consequences to buying if I had chosen that.

My point is, the moment of deciding isn’t that big of a deal.  You just make the best decision with the information that you have at the time, and there will be nothing to regret.  I don’t regret leasing my car.  I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time.  Life experience has given me more information since then, so next time I might choose differently.

But recently, I have found myself going back and forth about decisions, both big ones and small ones.  I think the problem is that I make them more important than they are.  One example of a “big one” is that I’m trying to decide if I want to request a different grade level for next year.  One day I am bored with preschool, and I want a change.  I want more responsibility and more academic teaching.  I want less shoe-tying and coat-zipping.  I don’t want to eat lunch with my students anymore.  I don’t want to have to risk getting paint or marker on whatever I wear to work.  I want to give grades and homework.  But on another day, I don’t want to leave the preschool team.  I don’t want them to think I’m leaving because of the accreditation process that is plaguing us all.  I don’t want to leave my “little ones” when they still have one year of preschool left.  (I don’t want to leave the “big ones” either, but kindergarten will take them away from me anyway!)  I don’t want to give up the benefit of really getting to know the families.  I feel like I’ve just barely figured out how to do this well, and I’m not sure I want to leave that behind.

You see, I’m not “leaning one way,” I’m either all in or all out, depending on what moment you ask me.  When I think about it, that tells me that there is no right decision or wrong decision.  Either choice would be fine.  So what stops me from taking that step, making a choice?

As I said, there are big choices and small choices that are bugging me right now.  Do I do my taxes myself, or take them to a tax preparer?  Should I buy a house or stay in my apartment?  Which church should I get involved in?  Should I commit to running a 10k this year?  Should I vent some of my frustration by writing about this on my blog, or is it too personal?  And then it carries over into the tiniest choices.  Do I want Runza for supper or do I want to cook something?  Do I want to watch t.v. or read a book?  Shower or bath?  Apple or orange?  Coffee or juice?

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM????

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