my real dreams (oh, yeah, and stupid cliffhangers!)

STUPID CLIFFHANGERS!!!!!

So you know that I somehow got addicted to One Tree Hill.  Well, tonight was the season finale.  Nathan and Haley got married again, and it was a beautiful story.  And then in the last ten minutes of the show, we find out that someone is pregnant (but we don’t know who), Brooke and Peyton end their friendship, Nathan’s uncle Cooper and their friend Rachel drive off a bridge, and Nathan looks at Haley, says “Haley, I love you,” and jumps off the bridge to try and save Cooper and Rachel.  He looked at Haley, standing there in her wedding dress, told her he loves her, and JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE!!!!  I have trouble waiting one week for a show I like, even when there is not a cliffhanger at all.  HOW can I POSSIBLY wait for next season?????

Stupid show that gets you all caught up in the story….  

This week has been a little crazy so far.  My para was gone yesterday and today, unexpectedly, so that makes things very hectic at work.  You wouldn’t think so, with only 11 kids, but they are little guys who don’t know how to be students yet.  Plus, when you’re used to tag teaming with someone, it throws everything off when the other person is gone.  Also, in preschool I wouldn’t get any breaks if it weren’t for my para, so yesterday and today I relied on the mercy of the para next door when I needed a bathroom break.

I’m really looking forward to summer these days.  I know I’ll be a little bored, eventually, but I really need a break longer than a weekend.  I love my job, but I’m feeling a slight burnout coming on.  I’m sure that’s normal, that’s one of the reasons summers are so good for teachers too.  It’s funny, actually…While I was in college, around this time every semester I started doubting whether or not I wanted to be a teacher.  Obviously, it turned out fine in the end because here I am.  I figured it wouldn’t happen anymore once I got a job and was actually doing the teaching thing.  But here I am once again.  I didn’t want to be a band teacher, ever.  I went into it because everybody thought I was good.  That’s a horrible reason to choose a career.  But if I could do anything I wanted, regardless of training or financial viability or anything else, I’d play piano.  And once in awhile, I recognize that I was the one that gave it up, slowly, a little bit every day ever since I was seven years old.  When I was seven years old, I wanted nothing more than to play piano.  And it was decided that I would not take piano lessons, so little by little I began to believe that I would never be good enough.  I mean, if I can’t take lessons at the age of seven, I never will get good, right?     So it was my own doing that I didn’t pursue it.  The opportunities came along, and I just never took them.  I didn’t realize how important it was to me, so I slowly let it go.  But ever since I gave up my music major, I’ve slowly begun to realize how important it was to me.  Every day I don’t play piano is a day that isn’t quite complete.  I know it sounds silly, believe me.  But music is part of my soul in a way that teaching or any career never can be.

Now just to be clear, I don’t know where or when or how I would want to play piano, all I know is that I would play piano.  When I was little, all I knew was church and home.  So of course I wanted to play piano at church when I grew up.  And in the last year or so, I’ve decided that particular dream might not be completely given away yet, and I might be able to get it back.  My “plan,” if you can call it that, is to get better at playing piano.  I know about music, and I know how to practice, and I know lots of strategies to improve.  If I played at my granparents’ 50th wedding anniversary mass, I obviously have the ability to play that level of music.  It took me a long time to learn it, but as I improve, it won’t take so long to learn new pieces.  So eventually, when I buy a house or whatever, I will get a piano.  And I will practice and improve, and when I’m ready, I’ll find a church where I could volunteer my abilities.  It will be scary and I’ll finally have to face my fear of performing that leaves me thinking I’ll never do it again each and every time.  (This fear comes from the moment I commit to a performance right to the moment I start playing, and luckily as soon as I finish it’s followed by a thrill that I actually accomplished it.)  But it gives me hope because even if I only ever play in church, it means I didn’t completely give away my dreams.

Wow, I got a little…sappy, I guess…for a moment there.  But you see, this “What if I don’t want to be a teacher?” feeling isn’t about teaching at all, and I’m glad I figured that out.  Because I can go to work tomorrow, even though my heart is screaming “What about your real dreams?”  I still love my job, my heart and soul are just missing music, and I’ll get it back in my life again someday.

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