searching for an apple

Okay, it’s time.  I’ve been avoiding my blog for a few days, because I don’t know what to say exactly.  I don’t want to say anything that would cast a bad light on someone.  I don’t think it’s appropriate to share too many details about this kind of thing on the world wide web.  But I can’t imagine just picking up and blogging along like nothing happened…

I am once again a single woman.  Bristol and I ended our relationship earlier this week.  I am working through disappointment, because he is such a great person.  But I wouldn’t want to continue something that isn’t right for both of us, so of course this was the right thing. 

Despite the obvious, I can’t help but feel blessed.  I am so grateful that things are as they are.  I did not rush into things I wasn’t ready for.  I didn’t give away my heart only to realize that I had to find a way to get it back once it was clear that this wasn’t the person who I should give it to.  This truly was a situation of dating the way I want to–Getting to know someone to find out if we are right for each other.  In this case, we aren’t right for each other.  So it was a successful relationship, because the question was answered, even if it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for.  I’m not hurt or broken or scarred.  I’m actually better and more aware of who I am and what I’m looking for.  Just give me a little bit of time to get my bearings back, and I’ll be ready to try again, if the situation presents itself. 

Not too long ago, I had an idea about a metaphor that is like finding the person who is right for you.  Imagine you’ve never in your life seen, touched, or tasted an apple.  You’ve heard all about it, people have told you about what it looks like, what it feels like, and what it tasts like.  So you find a tomato, you think, hmm, this might be an apple, it’s red, it’s round and smooth, it’s sweet.  It’s not really crunchy, but it has everything else I’ve ever heard about an apple.  So I’ll call this an apple.  But then a few weeks later, you find a pear.  Hmm, well, that red juicy thing obviously wasn’t an apple, maybe this is an apple.  It has a peel, it’s crunchy, it’s sweet, it has a core with seeds.  It’s not as round as I thought, but maybe they were wrong.  So I’ll call this an apple.  I would imagine that if you actually found an apple, everything about it would fit.  You wouldn’t have anything to doubt, nothing would conflict with what other people said about apples.  You wouldn’t think, maybe this is an apple, it would just be an apple.  The point is, up until I find the person who actually is the person who is right for me, I will always think that this person, whoever I’m dating at the time, might be right for me.  But hopefully, when I find the person I am supposed to be with, it will all fit, and he just will  be right for me.  In the mean time, I don’t know how to tell the difference.  But if these last few months is any sign, I’m getting better at figuring it all out without hurting someone or letting myself get hurt in the process.

Obviously, since I haven’t actually found the person who is right for me, my little apple story doesn’t carry much weight of truth.    Plus, who’s ever heard of somebody who has never seen an apple?  I have no idea where that thing came from!  What do you think?

I’m not sure if you will read this and think that I am wallowing in despair.  That’s the reaction I’ve gotten from a lot of people face-to-face:  “How are you doing?  I was so sad when I heard the news…”  And on and on.  Very generous, kind, and much appreciated sympathy.  But here’s the thing–I’m not wallowing in any kind of negative emotion!  I’m working through the disappointment and getting ready to move on.  In case you haven’t figured it out for yourself yet–True joy really does come from God alone!!!  There’s nothing that can happen to me that will take Him away.  This obviously isn’t the first time I’ve realized that.  It’s just a good opportunity to tell YOU!  But I was happy before I met Bristol, I was happy while I was dating Bristol, and guess what?  There are still plenty of things to be joyful about today!  And I will still be happy when I have children and grandchildren and I am old and gray with the love of my life.  I don’t need somebody to make me happy, I just want somebody to share the joy with!

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