Do I really have to talk about eating?  To the internet world?  And people I know in real life?

Yes.  I committed to being open about this process, not because YOU want to hear it, but because I’m hoping that me telling you will help me accomplish actual change.  Last year I gave you book reports.  This year I need to write updates on this year’s progress.  So here we go.

One of my goals for 2012, as you know, is to run a 10K.  The impossible 10K.  I run 5Ks all the time.  Well, maybe not all the time, exactly.  I’ve run several of them.  A 5K is well within my reach, just by working out regularly for a few weeks.  To accomplish a 10K, I’m going to need a little bit more commitment than that.

One important thing is, for the sake of my knees, I need to lose a few pounds.  I’m enough of a girl that I’m not going to tell you how many.  Tell you what…when I weigh 115 pounds, I will tell you that I weigh 115 pounds!  :)  (NEEEEEVER gonna happen!)  But in all seriousness, if I want to run a 10K, my knees need to carry a little less with them for those 6.2 miles.

Exercise is great.  Exercise is healthy and builds muscle and a strong heart and lungs, and gives me TONS of energy, a FANTASTIC good mood, and AWESOME sleep. Exercise is nothing short of amazing.  But a person can’t exercise away enough calories to lose weight without looking seriously at what they are eating.  So this week, I am looking seriously at what I eat.

I watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead on Netflix this weekend, and it made me think, for one short moment, that I should buy a juicer and go on a juice fast until I am the weight I want to be.  Then, since I don’t really want to buy, clean, or store a juicer, I thought maybe I could go on a green smoothie fast until I am the weight I want to be.  That thought stuck around for a good 24 hours or so.  I mean, the guy on the movie lost maybe 100 pounds by only drinking freshly juiced fruits and veggies for a few months.  Surely, I could do green smoothies for a month and get the change I needed!

But…I have plans to try some new recipes with my sister next weekend.  And I still want to drink coffee.  And it never fails, there will be something good to eat in the teachers’ lounge at some point in the month.  Brownies, candy…  One time, our school nurse made lasagna for the entire staff!  And as much as I want to accomplish my goals, I know that in that moment, faced with gooey warm lasagna, I will choose the lasagna.  I have changed a great deal in the last five years or so, regarding what I consider to be food.  If there are generic vanilla sandwich cookies in the lounge, I will not have any.  I don’t even want them.  I would eat highly processed, low quality sweets at the same level of hunger that would make me consider drinking Windex.  And I am SO proud of myself for having made that paradigm shift over a long period of time!  But hot, homemade lasagna is food.  GOOD food.  Made with love.  And I want to have a taste of it, if it’s there.

I think every other choice that I make has to allow for those unexpected treats.  I still say, green smoothies are the key.  Here is why:

–Green smoothies reduce my sugar cravings.  Ridiculously.  In fact, if I’m in a good green smoothie habit, a serving of desert makes me nauseated.  When I drink my green smoothies, a taste of the treat is really all I want.

–Green smoothies allow for a high quantity of nutrients and a high volume of food without a high calorie content.

–Green smoothies…sorry for this detail…clean you out from the inside.  Very important for weight loss.

–Green smoothies leave you energized and feeling great, especially after a week or so of consistent consumption.  In other words, you won’t be crabby from food deprivation.  You will be able to do your workouts, perform well at your job, live your life.  I will tell you from when I first got into green smoothies, when I said I felt “good” before doing green smoothies, I didn’t know what I was talking about!  I didn’t know what good was until I knew what it felt like to be on the green smoothie wagon.

The demons that live inside my head aren’t going anywhere.  I love (and hate) a good sugar rush, I swear, like an addict loves (and hates) a line of cocaine.  (I don’t mean to offend anyone who is addicted to any substance.  I just truly believe that it’s a really similar thing.)  Those demons are still there, and I don’t know how to kill them.  I do know that when I’m on the green smoothie wagon, they are quiet.  I’ve been drinking green smoothies for a week, and I can feel the “good” that I once knew.  Tonight I wanted a cookie.  So I made cookies.  And I ate–get this–one cookie!!!  It wasn’t a battle, it wasn’t a fight with my inner demons ending in eating half the batch and then throwing the rest in the garbage in frustration and self-hatred.  I ate a cookie, and then I put the rest away.  Because I didn’t want any more right now!!!  I just wanted a taste!  If you have any kind of demon in your head, you know just how huge that is!  I know “normal” people just eat that way all the time.  I eat that way all the time, too, when I’m drinking green smoothies.

So, for the sake of my goal, for the sake of my health, for the sake of the silence of the demons, I need to stay on the green smoothie wagon!!!

I did it!  :)

The goal was not to BUY any books (except textbooks, book club books, and books for classroom use) in 2011, and I firmly stuck with that goal.  Yay!

I have decided to read the entire bible this year.  I decided on this resolution a few months ago, and I have been considering different ways to do it.  Then, lo and behold, my church community has taken on the same resolution!  Our pastor has suggested The Daily Bible In Chronological Order: 365 Daily Readings, and the Sunday messages will be relevant to the current week’s daily readings.  So, I have decided to jump on board.  What I like best, so far, is that the actual biblical text is organized into chronological order, and paired with daily devotional passages as well.  I know that once I get into the more difficult parts of the bible, having a few paragraphs telling me why this is relevant and important will be very helpful.

My personal goal is to finish by December 31, 2012.  I obviously can’t predict the next 365 days, and I may not be able to do each daily reading on the day it is intended.  So my “project” to get me there is to catch up monthly.  By January 31st, for example, I will read all of the January section.

My second resolution is impossible.  I have decided and backed off a thousand times.  I have decided, and then chosen an easier goal.  But yesterday I read this:

Why have plans that I could do by myself? Where then would God figure in?

Impossible resolutions require God solutions.

Could there be a better place to start the new year?

–Ann Voskamp

And so…here’s to the impossible, that which I cannot do without God’s help.

In 2012, I will run a 10K race.

For me, that seems like an impossible goal.  I have run 5K races, and they seem nearly impossible enough.  Why go on to something more impossible?  And what does this have to do with God?

You and I are both fearfully and wonderfully made.  God makes all kinds of different people, with different gifts and desires and shapes. We are souls, temporarily inhabiting bodies.  And we can’t request a different body on this planet.  And trust me, we don’t want to.  God loves the body I have, and so should I.

But I have not.  Over the course of 2011, if not before that, I have begun to really feel how far away I have gone from the body God gave me.  I have gotten into, and out of, and into again, good habits of working out regularly.  I have really felt the difference between feeling active and alive, and feeling fat and sick.  And those two bodies, as different as they feel, don’t look that much different.  I’m still 5’3″, I still have big hips and small boobs, I still have my same hair, same face, same feet.  Always have, always will.  The scale will go down, or it won’t, and I don’t care.

(Or more accurately, I don’t think God cares about the number on the scale, so I’m trying really really hard not to!)

The point is, am I loving this body that God gifted me with?

So the goal is a 10K race.  The project is simple:  More, not less.

More exercise.  At least 3 cardio workouts per week, and working up to two strength training or yoga sessions as well.

More veggies.  At least 5 green smoothies per week.  Fresh fruit for bedtime snack.  Nuts and dried fruit when I feel like I’m starving to death after work.

The less of the bad will follow the more of the good.

And one more detail for the project:

Keep the kitchen clean, the groceries stocked, and the laundry caught up.

Are you confused?

When my kitchen is clean when I get home from work, I want to cook healthy things.  When it is a mess, I want to stay far, far away.  When the cupboards are stocked, I have already planned something healthy to eat.  When they are not, I don’t feel like scrounging for a healthy meal, so I get take-out.  When the laundry is caught up, it’s easy to go work out in the morning.  When the laundry is not caught up, there are no workout clothes in the morning.

So, in 2012, I will run a 10K by being prepared to exercise and eat well.  It is an impossible goal, but God is with me.

December 18:  Marshmallow Math

December 22: My first and only candy cane of the season!

December 22:  Clementines

December 23:  An ornament on my sister’s Christmas tree

December 24:  Coffee!!!

December 25:  Family Christmas

Well, I am actually riding. Not typing while driving. Don’t be alarmed.

I love this era of vast and accessibletechnology, where I can google the elevation of Denver, type a blog post, or play Angry Birds, all while enjoying the Kansas sunshine.

Oh, wait…one moment… Now it is Oklahoma sunshine!

It occurs to me that I usually do a “night before my birthday” post.  So this year, for my 30th birthday, here are a few important things I learned in my 20s.

Jesus came to get me.  What I understand about Jesus is a sparkle shining on one drop of water in the ocean of truth of who He is.  But what I learned eight years ago is that all of that truth and redemption that I will never fully understand is for ME.

Go to the gym.  I will never have the kind of life that contains enough physical activity.  I am not Laura Ingalls Wilder, churning butter and washing bed sheets in a wash tub.  I need to go to the gym as automatically as I brush my teeth.

Do not get a Kohls card!  Or a Target card, or a Mart card, or a line of credit from the pet store.  You really are allowing your future self to become a slave to your past choices.  Just wait.  Save.  Decide rationally.  Learn how to say no and walk away.

The world is big.  So much bigger than your hometown, wherever you live.  Travel.  Be fearless.  Find your favorite places in the world, and you will be able to go back there whenever you need to, through pictures and memories and another trip.

December 17:  I had a lovely little Christmas-y photo to share today, but it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow.  Life happens, and unexpected things present themselves, and you have to change your plan.  For example, after a sick day followed by about 24 hours away from home to celebrate my wonderful sister’s graduation, I came home to find my bathtub full of water and black stuff.  I could really use an evening in sweatpants, lying on the couch.  Instead, I find myself calling emergency maintenance and awaiting a drain service.

But here comes the good part.  (Not to overthink the situation too much…)  I think growth and grace come through difficult surprises.  Another unexpected maintenance-related thing happened yesterday.  (It’s been a busy week for the maintenance staff in my apartment.  I need to bake those great guys some cookies or something!)  The head maintenance guy knocked on my door about 10:00 a.m., expecting me to be at work.  I was home sick, in my sweatpants, lying on the couch.  That is not how I usually present myself to the world!  But I let him in, he worked on my furnace, and he was so sweet and respectful, as always.  I was reminded that, sick or well, dressed or in pajamas, made up or not, I am a person worthy of respect and sweetness.

I love December Photo Project because it makes me love my life more!  Strange, but taking pictures of random small moments each day encourages me to really look at the little moments, and enjoy them.  And I can look back and remember small moments of grace.

Where have you found grace this month?

December 16:  My sister is graduating from college this weekend!!!    This is the wall in the lobby of the main building of her department on campus.  The first amendment is quoted on the wall.  The whole building has great quotes all over the walls.

December 15

I am thinking…about colorful Christmas lights.  I love the multi-colored ones better than just white or all one color.

I am thankful…for friends with whom to share this crazy journey of life.

In the kitchen…the holiday treats are starting to pile up!

I am wearing…warm pajamas.

I am creating…Jesse tree ornaments with bible verses and quotes from Ann Voskamp.

I am going…everywhere!  :)  Plans to visit family, thoughts in my head about visiting friends VERY far away and also about participating in a mission trip soon.

I am wondering…about the future.

I am reading…Water for Elephants…still.  There is so much to do, I can’t seem to sit still enough to get through it.  Actually, I know this very experience is part of that issue.  There is not “so much to do;” I just won’t settle into stillness and quiet.

I am hoping…for strength and patience.

I am looking forward to…a break away from the first graders for Christmas.

I am hearing…sweet silence and comforting noise.  The noticeable absence of t.v. or music.  The neighbor turning on the water.  Traffic.  Muffled conversation in the hall.  Alone, yet not alone.

Around the house…Mostly clean!  I love it when my house looks like a magazine.

I am pondering…a few things I heard in church on Sunday.  In particular:  ”Jesus hung in front of a crowd, bloody and naked, for you.”

One of my favorite things…is a lit candle.

A few plans for the rest of the week…finish Christmas shopping!

December 14:  During inside recess today, the kids made some more ornaments for our tree.  I can’t wait to see this thing become full of kid-made, paper cutout decorations!

(For more information about December Photo Project, click here.)

December 13:  ’Tis the season to get out the craft supplies and make things!

(For more explanation of the December Photo Project, click here.)