And Repeat Again! December 9, 2009

ANOTHER day!!!  The plan for tomorrow…sleep in, do laundry, watch more Grey’s, maybe mop the floors?  NOT teaching first graders, though!

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My mother left the following comment on my last post:  “This sounds more like the Dawn I know. Are you sure you weren’t eating too much beef the last few weeks? It is about how your attitude was as a little kid with it.”  My first instinct is to say, Mo-THER!  I am not a little kid anymore!  You shouldn’t be telling me what to eat or not eat! 

But my second instinct is…she might be right.  Darn it.  The beef, and the sugar.  All the sugar.

Darn it.

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I’ve been so saturated with Grey’s over the past few days, that I’m starting to absorb it into my thinking about other things. 

First of all, have you noticed that when the doctors are eating lunch at the hospital, they always have fresh fruits and veggies?  Hmm…I wonder if doctors really eat like that.  They should.  Everyone should, of course.  But I’ve noticed that when I think about how my body works, how the organs actually digest the food, I want to eat healthy things.  I know how great green smoothies are for me, because my body knows just what to do with fruits and vegetables.  I know how much my body likes things like nuts, legumes, and whole grains.  I know that when I put something like candy in my body, my cells have to sort out carbs and fat from preservatives and food coloring.  When I think about how my organs and cells work, a candy bar doesn’t sound like food.  Neither does a sucker, or soda, or jello.

And remember when Meredith drowned, and Derek pulled her out of the water, and while she was dead she met her mother, and she got the one moment of mothering that she had been needing her entire life?  That moment makes me cry, every time.  “You are anything but ordinary, Meredith.”  What power our mothers have to break us.  And how hard it is to put yourself back together when that happens.  And how Meredith needed that moment!

And remember when Meredith and Derek’s dog was put to sleep?  Makes me cry every time.

And remember when Meredith and Derek had a fight at work, and then Meredith was surprised to see him show up at home, because she’d never made up with a boyfriend before?  “From now on, you can expect that I’m going to show up.  Even if I yell.  Even if you yell.  I’m always going to show up.” 

And Bailey telling Meredith how to be a teacher:  “Whether you like it or not, your job is to help her be a better doctor.  So help her.”

{And remember when there was a third snow day and I really needed to do something else with my time?  }

Snow Day…fall, blow, repeat! December 9, 2009

 

A snow day today, another tomorrow.  I know I’m supposed to be thinking about how much I have to do in the seven days before winter break begins, but I’m happy.  Giddy, even.  I needed a break!

Today:

-I watched hours of t.v.  The show of choice was Grey’s Anatomy on DVD.  Hours.  I also watched the movie New In Town, two episodes of 18 Kids and Counting, and one episode of Deliver Me.

-The snow drifted about five inches up my windows. 

-I made brownies.

-It was beautiful outside!  The only thing more beautiful will be the next sunny day.  A clear blue sunny sky, with fresh, clean, white, sparkly snow, is the most beautiful weather, in my opinion! 

-I talked to my sister while she was at work.  She was not happy being at work.  When we hung up, I said, “I’m free as a bird, as long as I’m here in my cage, so call back if you need to!” 

-I feel relaxed and refreshed.

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I have given up on December Photo Project, I think.  I just don’t really care to do it.  It feels like another task, not something fun to do.  There are a lot of things I’m interested in, and photography just isn’t one of them, I think.

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These past couple of weeks, my little experiment that’s pushing me over the edge, has made me rediscover how much I love teaching.  I love it when I’m prepared, when materials are ready, when the classroom is organized.  I love listening to a kid read, figuring out what he needs and how to teach it to him.  I love motivating kids to care about their own learning.  I love motivating kids to care about each other.  I love classroom management.  I love assessment.  I love explicit instruction.

I love it…even though it doesn’t always fit with how I believe kids learn best.  As you probably have realized, reconciling how I believe kids learn best with what happens in my classroom has always caused no small amount of turmoil for me.  I like to say I’m a “closet homeschooling/unschooling junky,” but at this point, it’s probably not a closet issue at all.    The reason that I love unschooling is that I believe that when they experience the optimal environment, kids learn to read just like they learn to walk.  Kids learn like they breathe.  I love homeschooling because if you watch just one child in my classroom, whichever child you choose, he or she spends a lot of time during the school day not learning.  Waiting in line.  Sitting through instruction that is too low or too high.  Enduring classroom management moments instead of teaching moments.  Waiting while others finish the activity.  And of course, of course if I’m a good teacher I’m going to optimize each of those moments, as much as I can.  But I love homeschooling because each child has a much more efficient learning experience.  I would love to unschool or homeschool my own kids when the time comes, if that’s what’s right for my family.

But even though traditional school doesn’t always fit with what I believe, I think it’s important to remember that mostly, I’m working with kids who aren’t experiencing the optimal environment.  When nothing is damaged or broken in their lives, kids learn like they breathe.  But I am working with damage.  I am fixing things that are broken.  And even though it may turn out that my family won’t need traditional elementary school, these kids do.  Because we can’t go backwards and undo babies who had drugs in their body before they were born.  And we can’t undo experiences where nobody took care of them, or when the adults they needed to trust weren’t kind or trustworthy.  And we can’t fix it when they don’t get read to, or get held accountable for homework, or get asked about school.  And we can’t fix it when their parents’ main concern is what the kids will eat and where they will live, and there is no time or energy left for concerning themselves with how the kids are learning to treat other people.

So it’s okay to like teaching, even if I think something else would be better for their learning.  Because I don’t have control over that “something else,” and I can only do what I can do with the seven hours a day that I get them.  And it is pretty fun to do what I can do with those seven hours. 

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And mostly, I can’t “fix” it when they aren’t learning the values that I learned.  And I probably shouldn’t want to “fix” that, because one of the defining factors of public education and plural society in general is that we don’t all have to value the same things.  I don’t get to tell you what to believe, unless you are my child.  The parents do get to teach their children what to believe, and I don’t get to interfere, and that’s why our society works.  (Or maybe why it doesn’t work, I don’t know.  That’s probably a discussion for another time.)  Even if the values they are being taught are harmful to their education.  Rock beats scissors, President beats mayor, ace beats king.  Family beats teachers.  That’s the way it’s supposed to be.

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I went to yoga last night, for the first time since spring.  And it’s really too bad that I sat around all day, because I am quite sore, and it would have been better for my soreness if I had moved around a little more.  Too bad I wasn’t thinking about that while I was bingeing on Grey’s Anatomy. 

Obsessive November 29, 2009

Sometimes, people who are driven and obsessive impress me a little bit.  Maybe there is something in their personality that gives them this insatiable drive, that makes them really good at whatever they set their sights on.

And then I think…hello!…I can definitely be obsessive!  And in myself, I don’t think of it as a good thing.  Generally, it seems to be an obsession that takes my mind away from what I am supposed to be focused on.  I have obsessed over Twilight books.  I have obsessed over Matchbox Twenty, Muse, the Jonas Brothers, tons of bands.  I have obsessed over food and weight.  I have obsessed over tiny little things, like for awhile I couldn’t go to sleep until the dishes were done–even at my parents’ house!  My sister Sarah often describes us both as “type A,” which usually means ambitious, driven, striving for excellence, and yes, obsessive.

If only I could channel that obsession to teaching…

You might not hear from me this week on my blog.  Only three weeks until the end of the semester, and I have a lot to do.  I’m going to do what I need to do this week, work my tail off, and try to get a lot of things done.  In effect, I’m hoping to channel some of my ambitious, driven, obsessive tendencies into my job. 

Wish me luck!

A Pear-ody :-) November 18, 2009

Check out Honor Society singing “Snackin’ on a Pear:”

Is that too funny or what?

Three Unrelated Blog Stories :) November 17, 2009

I just feel like blogging…been working for a couple of days on a topic that I’m not ready to “go public” with yet, but it has been very cathartic to write about and eventually it will be great to get it out there.  But tonight…

I’m drinking a banana/pineapple/grape/spinach smoothie, made with my new blender.  The one I bought almost two years ago bit the dust the other day.  I read that when you live a green smoothie lifestyle, a regular blender will last about a year.  I figure if I can get nearly two years out of a $35 blender, I’m doing just fine.  I actually ended up buying one of the same brand, Oster, but a little higher quality with some better features.  The pitcher is glass, not plastic, and the lid is higher quality.  The motor is better.  It comes with a “food processor” attachment, and it seems a little quieter.  I like the brand because the moving parts are all metal, instead of the plastic that the other brands use.  When I’m making green smoothies daily, I want moving parts that are going to last! 

 

I have a cold!  I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’m hoping tonight is better.  It’s nothing compared to my mystery illness in August/September, but it’s not pleasant.  (Sarah and I have decided in our professional opinion that I probably had H1N1.    It followed the pattern of other people I know who have had it, including nausea and fever, followed closely by aches and flu-like symptoms, and rounding out the experience with killer secondary infections, in my case, pharyngitis and bronchitis.  I like latching onto that idea, because if so, I don’t need to be concerned about it anymore.  Also, it doesn’t make me feel like a baby for staying sick for so long.  I mean, if you’re sick you’re sick, and if we knew how to not be sick, nobody would ever be sick for longer than ten minutes, but I can say, “Hey, I had the hini flu!”  Plus, I don’t need to worry about whether or not to try and get the shot, should it ever become available to me.  Darn it, I wish the PA had done a flu test!  Is there such a thing as an H1N1 immunity test?)  In any case, I’m not lay-on-the-couch-all-day, can’t-barely-walk-the-dog sick, but I wish it were about three days from now so I could feel better.  And as my coworker Kelli recently said while she had the same cold, “There is nothing so unattractive as a sick person trying to sleep!”

 

Last year during a preschool staff development meeting, there was a question about pressure from the kindergarten teachers to prepare the preschoolers for the traditional school setting of kindergarten.  You know, get them used to the idea that they won’t have choices, that they will have to sit still and quiet for longer periods of time, that school is not about fun.  An early childhood consultant said the following:

“If you knew your children wouldn’t have any food starting tomorrow, would you starve them today to prepare them?  No, you would feed them as well as you could today, to prepare them.”

I don’t know if it was her idea or if she was quoting someone else, but this year I feel like I’m the one starving the children.  Preschool in our district is very progressive and non-traditional, and I fell in love with it.  It absolutely fits what I believe about how children learn best.

I need to start thinking more about the things I like about teaching first grade.

At the same time, if preschool is the right place for me…

My Favorite Place In the World November 8, 2009

(For best effect, click play now so you can listen while you read!)

When all the stars are in line, the 10:45 Mass at my church is my favorite thing in the world.  Today was one of those days.  There is nothing I love more than church music done well.  And when every factor lines up just right, we are a choir who does church music well.  When luck is on our side, the music and the message combine to form a powerful worship experience.  When the stars align…

Of course it’s not luck!  Of course it’s not “the stars being aligned.”  The Holy Spirit is present here with us.  Whether we feel it or not.  Those experiences when we feel it, when something is different, joyful…well, I think of those experiences as the hit we need to stay addicted.    I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but for me it’s obviously the music.  I’ve been going to 10:45 Mass at St. Vincent most weekends for several years because I hope I will experience that ethereal feeling of God being right with us.  Joining the choir has made those experiences even deeper.  But even when we have an “off” day, even when I don’t feel it, I know it’s true.  But I’m so glad that I do have occasional experiences of feeling those emotions, because it makes it easier to remember.

 

And I wonder…are those emotionally charged experiences a result of consistent pursuit of the Lord?

 

From Janelle at Girltalk:

The practice of the spiritual disciplines is a little like planting a seed. (Please ignore the fact that anything I have ever planted has died, and try to stick with me here.)  You plant a tiny seed in the dirt and you wait…water…wait… water. (I know that there is a little more to it than that, but you get the picture).  It takes time.  The plant only grows after consistent, faithful tending to the seed. 

I met with the Lord this morning.  I’m looking pretty much the same as I did yesterday (enjoying a huge glazed donut—the baby asked for it).  Mike hasn’t told me that I look more holy than the day before.  But as I read the Word and prayed this morning, I was watering.  Lord willing, I will wake up tomorrow morning and do the same thing.  Morning after morning of watering and waiting, and I will eventually see a little green thing sticking up out of the dirt.  Growth!  More watering, more waiting—more growth! 

Life…Interrupted October 21, 2009

*Sigh…*  Just when I’m getting really motivated about my job…

I stayed home sick today.  I have a tried-and-true pattern for stomach viruses, and whatever that was, it didn’t follow my pattern!  But it was fast, and I appreciate that.  I’m told (via the dependable internet, and by friends) that if it’s fast like that, it means it was food poisoning.  And I have identified a likely culprit, some expired fresh spinach that I ate.  (So, to all who might scoff at my usual rigidness regarding expiration dates…I tried it your way, and your way made me puke.) 

I also appreciate SubFinder!!!  I was talking to a friend on the phone last night, who is also a teacher, and he has to actually call a list of subs when he’s sick.  Ugh!  When you’re sick, that’s the last thing you would want to do!  A person should just be able to call in sick to their job, when they’re sick, and let other people take care of their job for a day.  Teachers give of themselves a lot for their jobs, and there are some perks most people take for granted that teachers never experience.  I appreciate that calling in sick is one perk I have.

I spent the day eating small quantities of random foods, trying to figure out what I can stomach so that I can get back to normal.  Apple bread is good, potato salad is not.  (Don’t ask me what made me think it would be…)  And the best thing in the world today…Progresso lentil soup!  I don’t quite remember buying it, but I saw the can in the cupboard and thought it might be a good bland-ish food with plenty of water and no meat and that salty soup flavor that you crave when you’re dehydrated…and it was awesome! 

And water.  Lots and lots of cold water to drink.

I also spent the day watching television.  I was reminded that the last half hour of Armageddon makes me cry.  I also discovered a new show that made me cry, The Locator.  It’s a reality show where this investigator guy helps people find their long-lost loved ones.  I watched a good Hannah Montana and a Wizards of Waverly Place, and a couple of Suite Lifes.  I watched some Golden Girls.  I abandoned my t.v. for awhile and started catching up on Grey’s Anatomy with the online episodes.  (Don’t talk to me about it yet, I still have about four episodes to go!)  Armageddon was on again, so I watched the first half hour or so, until Ben Affleck proposes to Liv Tyler.  I watched the first ten minutes of Bridget Jones and decided I just can’t take the drama today.  I watched the first 45 minutes of the Los Angelos Philharmonic on public television.  (Did you know that Gustavo Dudamel, the director, is my age???)

And I think if I don’t turn my t.v. on again for a week, that would be just fine.

So, I am freshly showered, well-hydrated, and gently fed.  (Freshly showered, so that I can sleep in as late as possible tomorrow morning.)  I’m ready to get back to it tomorrow, and use this rare time of motivation!

Thursday Gratitudes October 15, 2009

It’s ridiculous how easy it is go astray when my focus ain’t right.  –”Crazy Girls” by Bethany Joy Galeotti

 

<<A green smoothie this morning…for the first time in many weeks…>>

<<Time with Scripture this morning…for the first time in many weeks…>>

<<Today at our staff development meeting, we heard a fantastic woman from Arkansas speak about “workshopping” in the classroom…and I loved it…crapola…>>

<<A hilarious comment from a fellow teacher about the “hiney flu”…you know…write down H-one-N-one…get it?  HINI flu?  Haha!…Is it just me that thinks the term is funny?…Is it less funny when I explain it?…>>

<<Clean Sheet Day!!!  (Don’t you celebrate this holiday every so often at your house?)>>

<<”It’s a small world!” experiences>>

<<The beginning of a deeper friendship with an acquaintance>>

<<No school tomorrow…for kids or teachers!>>

<<Discovering like-minded people in the world>>

 

That’s ten gratitudes…because I couldn’t narrow it down to five!  I think this “habit-forming” idea is working!

Can’t Live Without You… September 29, 2009

 

“Can’t Have You” by Jonas Brothers is one of my current favorite songs.  It has that feeling of one of my all-time favorite songs.  Kevin Jonas says of this song:  “It’s all raw emotion and pure intentions.  It’s about not letting your life go by and disappear without a moment’s notice.”  I love this song.

I’m sure you noticed just how excited and passionate I was about the concert I sang recently.  Before that experience, the music activities in my life had been few and far between for a little while.  Over the summer, we don’t practice for church choir, we just show up on Sundays.  And, for many Sundays, I hadn’t been in town.  Then, I was too sick to go for two weekends in a row.  And while I was sick, I wasn’t playing my piano, and I didn’t have a voice to even sing in the shower!  And as you may have noticed…but I don’t always…when the music is few and far between, I go a little bit crazy. 

Crazy, like thoughts of, “It was a HUGE mistake!  I should have been a clarinet performance major!!!”

Hmm…

So, anyway, shortly after that concert, maybe a couple days later, I was listening to this song, and I must have had those thoughts in my head.  And it occurred to me that the “you” in the song could be something in your life, not necessarily a person.  And that day, when I listened to this song, the “you” became playing music in general.  You know how sometimes things take on meanings of their own– that’s what this was like.  I wasn’t analyzing and thinking, “But what is the song about?”  It just became about music, for me, that time listening to it.

The last line of the bridge, “I can’t live without you,” became especially significant.  It rang so true.  I can’t live without playing and singing.  I don’t mean, I would die if I didn’t.  What I mean is, I can’t NOT play music.  I can’t live without playing music because it won’t stay away from me.  Or I can’t stay away from it.  Either way, me living without playing music just does NOT happen.  I assume I would die if I didn’t play music, which may sound like I’m being dramatic, and I am joking of course, but I also feel like it might be true!  But we’ll never find out, because I can’t NOT play music.

And yet, it’s so easy to wallow in regret when I start feeling this way, but I’m thinking regret is not the way to go.  God put me on this path, with these twists and turns, for a reason.  At the time, I made the best decision I could with the information that I had.  Maybe I wasn’t ready.  Maybe I was being protected from failing at something I love so much.  Maybe I was needed on this turn of the path instead.  Or maybe I needed this part of the path to prepare for something else.  I may never know why, but I reject the idea that it was a mistake on my part.  Sometimes I forcefully reject that idea, because it feels “too late” for me to “correct the mistake.”  Or whatever.

So if not regret…how about focusing on this strides I can be making into the future?  Or even focusing on being present in today?

But still, this song is so raw and poignant, it’s nice to rest on yearning regret for a moment…

 

Warned me that you were gonna leave.

Never thought you would really go.

I was blind, but baby, now I see

I broke your heart, now I know

That I was being such a fool

And I didn’t deserve you.

 

I don’t want to fall asleep, ’cause I don’t know if I’ll get up.

I don’t want to cause a scene, but I’m dying without your love.

Begging to hear your voice tell me you love me, too.

‘Cause I’d rather just be alone, if I know that I can’t have you.

 

Looking at the letter that you left

Wonder if I’ll ever get you back.

Dreaming about when I’ll see you next.

Knowing that I never will forget

That I was being such a fool

And I still don’t deserve you

 

Well tell me what we’re fighting for

‘Cause we know that the truth means so much more

‘Cause you would if you could don’t lie

Well I’ll give everything that I’ve got left

To show you I mean what I have said

I know I was such a fool

But I can’t live without you…

 

–”Can’t Live Without You” by Jonas Brothers

Saturday Gratitudes September 26, 2009

Only love can save us now.  –”Downfall” by Matchbox Twenty

<<gratitudes:….surprise birthday party for my friend tim….wii mariokart….my dog….sleeping in on sunday morning….understanding and supportive friends…>>