Lessons From the Wedding April 5, 2009

I will post more stories about this weekend later, with pictures, because I am now a woman of the 21st century with a digital camera.    But as you might know, being a bridesmaid is exhausting!!!  I can’t imagine how exhausting it is to be a bride.  When my turn comes, will someone remind me to exercise a lot so that I’m in great shape and have lots of energy?    But despite the exhaustion, I would like to reflect a bit on some lessons I learned this weekend…

This weekend I felt the pull to cling to God’s promises, no matter how difficult the situation.  This was a hard weekend for me to be involved in a wedding, thanks to some very fresh relationship happenings in my own life.  And exhaustion never helps difficult situations!   God didn’t promise it would be easy, He promised that He would always be there.  When I reach my breaking point, God gives me a rest, or more strength to go on, or opens another path.  He will bring me to my breaking point over and over, because that is how we grow, but He will never leave me there alone.

Last night (or rather, this morning, when I finally went to bed!), I had a dream.  The basic plot was, I was completely focused on a man who wasn’t interested in me, but dating a man who was great.  Despite my complete focus on this man that wasn’t right for me, this other man continued to show me love and give me just what I needed.  (You remember how strange my dreams are, so let’s leave it at that, without distracting ourselves with the crazy details!)  I awoke from that dream in the middle of the night with such a gentle peace.  I felt as though God was giving me a message.  He was telling me to let go of my obsessive focus, or maybe look through or around it, and watch for the man that will be everything I need when I least deserve it.

Less than a week ago, a friend gave me some advice and told me to honestly make a list of what I am looking for in a man.  Of course I have heard this tidbit of “wisdom” before, and I’ve never been comfortable with it.  I don’t want to create an imaginary man who looks nothing like any real person.  For example, I don’t want to get it in my head that my future husband will be in a certain line of work, or have certain physical appearance qualities, nothing that would be too specific and distract me from the reality that I don’t know yet what my future husband will be like!  But over the course of the weekend, I felt like I was accidentally making a list.  Actually, it feels like God has placed these things on my heart.  It’s simple:  He will love God as much as I do.  He will follow God and lead me.  He will pray with me.  He will hug and kiss me all the time.  That is all I need in this world.

God uses all kinds of ways to change us or get our attention.  This weekend, for me, He used the absence of someone who I thought was important to me, and the example of a good friend who, after 13 years of friendship, continues to teach me and inspire me.

26 May 31, 2008

A conversation with my friend Kathy got me thinking about something.  I have some friends that are several years older than me.  I’m 26, they are in their 30s.  It seems that some people have this idea that once they are in their 30s, it’s time to get “old.”  Comments like, “that’s what happens when you get older,” and “when I was young like you” seem to find their way into conversations.  Some of them seem to have this line in their minds between me and the other people in our 20s, and themselves who are in their 30s.

I am only 26.  The longer I spend “in my 20s,” the more I realize how young I am, how much life experience I need before I could be considered wise.  So I realize that these thoughts are coming from a place of inexperience, maybe immaturity, definitely lack of perspective.  If you think about it, I could easily spend another 5 or even 10 years as a single girl, and not be “late” to get married and have kids.  Later than most, perhaps, but not so late that it would likely be difficult to have children, or that it would be completely unusual to be new parents.  I’ve also discovered “in my 20s” that the phrase kids grow up so quickly these days simply isn’t true.  Not for me, anyway.  I was definitely still a “kid” as a college student.  You do so much growing up in your first years of adulthood.  And it really depends on the person.  Some people are completely ready for adulthood, and marriage, and even kids, when they are in college or shortly after.  I definitely wasn’t.  I didn’t realize that at the time, but in hindsight I am so glad that things have worked out this way so far.  So maybe I won’t realize where I am now until I’m past it, but I think right now I’m a very young adult.  I’m ready for all that adult stuff when it comes around.  I’m scared of it, but I’m ready to give it a try.  I also love this feeling that I have all the time in the world!  It takes the pressure off.  It will happen when it happens, but for now I can just have fun.  Truthfully, that’s what I plan to do no matter what season of life I’m in!  You can always be reaching for the next season.  Parents of preschoolers and babies can look forward to all the kids finally being in school.  You can be anxious for your kids growing up and moving out, or being grandparents, or retiring, or whatever is coming next at that particular stage.  But focusing too much on the future means you might miss the present.  I don’t want to miss this, right now, whatever season I’m in!  I heard a saying once, “Remember fondly the past, prepare diligently for the future, but focus fully on the present!”  Or something like that.  It makes a lot of sense, to me.

My point is, I hope I never get sucked into that mentality that you have to be a certain way just because of what decade of life you are in.  I’m 26, yes, it’s true.  But it’s just a number, it doesn’t mean anything.  It doesn’t tell you anything about who I am, what I like, what I need in my life right now, who I love, what I want.  When you meet me for the first time, I don’t want you to think, “I think she must be in her mid-20s.”  I want you to see those other things, the things that show who I really am.  Much more important than how long I’ve been on the planet!

Rejuvenation May 4, 2008

Isn’t it wonderful how God gives us exactly what we need?  As you could tell, I was badly needing some rejuvenation last week.  Life is busy in May…life is busy, period…and I had lost my ability to handle it all.  I think that happens because we need fresh perspective, new energy, and a good dose of focus.  When we lose the ability to be productive and positive in our lives, we are forced to take a step back and find those things.

This weekend I went to visit my sister, Sarah.  We ran a 5K race on Saturday, and I am very happy with my performance.  I ran almost the entire race, with only one short 1 or 2 minute walking break in the middle by the water station.  I finished with a time of 35:58.  Yay!  I said I had no goal except to just do my best, but my secret goal was to be able to run enough of the race (instead of walking) to finish under 40:00, and I wildly surpassed my expectations of myself.  Running the 5K also gave me new motivation to continue working, sign up for another 5K, and do better.  And maybe run a 10K someday soon…maybe within the next year or two…

We had various opportunities to hang out with Sarah’s fellow graduate students this weekend.  Her boyfriend John went out to dinner with us on Friday night, and picked us up for church on Saturday afternoon.  Her friend Allison ran the 5K, and we went with Allison, Rebecca, Elizabeth, and Andy to explore some parks and trails this afternoon.  And we also had some conversations and meals with her roommate Teresa.  I was thinking in the back of my mind all weekend about something Sarah said, that I watch t.v. much more than people she knows.  This struck me because, I watch t.v. much less than most people I know!  So I was sort of unconciously wondering, what is it about the Sarah people that is different?  First of all, grad students are incredibly busy.  I understand that.  They are coming near to accomplishing a goal that they have been focused on for six years or more!  As a result of these six years, the people that I’ve talked to in Sarah’s life seem to have their priorities in order.  One, relationship with God.  Two, relationships with people.  And three, their work.  Everything else is below those three things.  So of course, since their work takes up so much of their time, and since what time is left they fill with friendships, romantic relationships, and family, there isn’t much t.v. watching.  But it’s not t.v. specifically, and it’s not the time spent on those non-priority activities that is the point.  The point is that what you make a priority, you do.  If they made t.v. a priority, or magazines or video games or underwater basketweaving, something would have to go.  It might be their relationship with God, or their human relationships, or this incredible goal they’ve been working toward.

After the 5K, our aunt Tammy took us out for lunch.  Over the course of our conversation, she asked me if I was looking forward to being done with the school year.  As per the stresses of last week, I was quick to affirm.  We got to talking about the challenges faced by preschool teachers in my district, and the challenges I face with my one particular student, and she asked if I have a student exactly like that again next year, what could I do differently to be sure I don’t burn out?  I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was something like almost every preschool class in the district has at least one, and we need to do our best for the students, and that’s just the way it is.  You know, poor us, martyring our happiness for the cause.  We women are good at that.    But the truth is, I would burn out a lot faster in a classroom of kids who don’t need me.  There are students in this world who would do great with or without a good preschool teacher.  That group of students, year after year…ugh.  What are you going back for every morning?  Knowing that you’ll get that group of students again in the fall…how would you get excited about the beginning of the school year?  I’m glad someone does, because obviously those kids should have a good education and good teachers too.  I just don’t think I’m one of those people.  I get excited about a kid who needs to learn social skills.  I get excited about parents who are apprehensive of schools.  I get excited about a child who doesn’t get read to at home, who then takes books home from school and begs his parents to read them!  I get excited when a parent comes to me with a question and the assumption that we are on the same team, working together for the benefit of the child.  Will I teach preschool forever?  No, probably not.  But I knew from the beginning that I couldn’t imagine doing anything forever.  But teaching preschool is not making me a martyr of happiness.  It is enhancing my fulfillment.  I believe that if I am doing my job right, with care and passion, I will have times when I need some refocusing.  This weekend was that.

So, my applications of what I’ve learned this weekend:  What are my priorities?  Am I spending time growing in my faith and deepening my relationship with God?  Am I focusing on my relationships with the people in my life?  Am I taking opportunities to spend time with my friends and family when they arise?  Am I creating these opportunites where need be?  Am I putting a priority on the things I need to do for work?  What do I need to do this week?  What do I need to make sure gets done in the next three weeks?  Am I remembering that the school year is a cycle, and this month feels crazy-busy, but it will be followed by a nice long break if I get all my stuff done?    This may sound like internal pressure, adding to my to-do list, or whatever.  But it feels more like a spiritual and mental spring cleaning!  The fridge is clean, the closets are organized, and the light is shining on the focal point of the room!

16 hours!!! December 21, 2007

16 hours until everyone meets at my apartment to load the furniture!!!  Yikes!!!  So much to do, and so little time! 

Sarah and I have made a new friend.  His name is Lampie.  Sarah and Lampie shared a seat on the second trip to the new apartment.  We brought Lampie after we realized how dark a living room and bedroom are without a top light.  Lampie was so patient with us as we asked him to move from one room to the other, back and forth, as we put things away in closets and stacked boxes that we can’t unpack yet.  We have made good friends with Lampie and we look forward to seeing him again tonight. 

Matthew Mayer December 10, 2007

Just a couple of days ago, I finally checked out my friend Matt’s website.  I’ve known the guy almost a year now, and I had no idea he was so successful until I saw his website.  He just released his 8th album.  I wish it was a good idea to blow $100 on cds!    I’m hooked on “Beyond.”  You can check it out at www.matthewmayer.org.

I’ve known a musician was successful, and then met them.  It’s intimidating.  They are, to me, their work instead of a person first.  This is different.  I’ve known Matt, and then learned that he was also Matthew Mayer, his work, his success.  But to me, he’s my friend Matt, soon to be The Boy’s brother-in-law, plays piano sometimes when I sing at church, was the clue another friend dragged into the living room that got me to guess “mat” (as in, rug) while we were playing Guesstures on Saturday night.    Asks how you’ve been and truly wants to know.  Talks honestly about faith and heavy issues, and in the next moment can lighten the conversation with a joke.  He will never be his work first to me, no matter how hooked I am on “Beyond.”

Lucky Opportunities November 2, 2007

I had a very stressful morning, and yet I come away from it feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, in a way.  It happens to everyone.  My car broke down, I was stranded on the interstate.  That is a horrible feeling.  In a situation like that, I want someone to come and scoop me up and take care of me.  I don’t need them to, but that’s what I want.  I’m on the verge of tears, so I appear to be just losing it, totally unable to handle it.  But in my mind, I’m thinking about what I need.  I need the phone number of a tow truck.  I need to know where I should take the car…I’ll ask the tow truck guy where he recommends.  I need to get to work…Maybe the tow truck guy can drop me at my apartment so I can take the other car.  I look like I’m losing it, but I know what I have to do.  What I’m asking for is simple…a phone number.

There are two boys in my life who always, always go above and beyond what I’m asking for.  They seem to know what I want, beyond what I need.  They are both so generous with their role as the men in my life.  I called them both this morning looking for a phone number.  By the time either one of them was able to call back, I had found one, and I had what I needed, but of course not all of what I wanted.

My friend Chad…my best guy friend for sure, definitely plays the “role” of the man in my life from time to time.  (If someone wants to ask permission to marry me someday, they should probably ask Chad!)  When he called back, I was waiting for the tow truck, but he was all ready to have someone cover his classes and come get me.  I so wanted him to, I sort of wished I had gotten ahold of him before the tow truck, but I was okay.  Just the fact that he was planning to totally screw up his own day like that, he gave me beyond what I needed, just knowing that if I hadn’t been able to find what I needed, he would have been there. 

My friend Brian…plays the role of the big brother I don’t have.  He is magic, I’m telling you.  Somehow, when I need him, he’s already around.  He called back when the tow truck was just hooking up the car, and he was going to be driving past me anyway.  (How coincidental is that?)  So he suggested a place to take the car, and took me back to my apartment to get the other car.  Then he checked on my car during the day, called me to let me know what was wrong and how much it would cost, called them back to let them know I decided to fix it, and offered to pick me up in the morning to take me there.  None of this was needed, nor was it asked for.  It was exactly the “scoop me up and take care of me” that I wanted, even though I could handle it if I didn’t get it. 

I needed a phone number, and both of these guys gave me far more than that today.  It was a stressful situation, to be sure.  But I feel like I’ve been given opportunities.  Brian has been out of my life for far too long, just by us all being busy and sort of losing touch.  I talk so much about wanting roots, Brian and his wife Jenna are my roots here in the city.  When this area was so new to me, and they barely knew me, they took care of me.  As for Chad, it’s been a long time since I’ve needed him like that.  Chad’s wife Tara is my best girlfriend, and we lose touch during the school year a bit.  I hate that “losing touch” situation of friendships.  It takes effort.  It’s so easy to get into my routine, and not make an effort to get together with people, even though they are people I really care about!  So the opportunity today is to be reminded to stay in contact with these four people who I love so much, and to seek out ways to get together with them here and there, even though we’re all busy.  It’s important.  What could be more important than your relationships with the people you care about?

I’m feeling… October 20, 2007

…Refreshed…Miranda and I stayed with Dana last night, we kind of had a girls’ time.  The three of us hung out at Dana’s one other time, in the spring, and both times we’ve had such a relaxing trip.  Last night we went out to eat, then sat around Dana’s living room just talking for a couple hours.  We ended the night with a few games of Blink, the fastest card game ever!    (Two other games that I need to get–Qwitch and Quiddler, also games I’ve played at Dana’s.)  This morning we went to a pumpkin patch, then poked around at Michael’s, then went to a candle party hosted by a coworker of Dana.  It was such a refreshing, relaxing pace for a weekend away.  We had no firm plans, just ideas.  We did what we felt like at the moment, and it was wonderful!

…Heart-pulled…Of course we spent a lot of time talking about Owen and Ellie, and Dana told us more about what happened and showed us some pictures.  Those two gorgeous little children just tug at my heart.  Dana and Greg hold them close to their hearts, and I feel so privledged that Dana chose to tell me all the stories and show me her pictures. 

…Peaceful…I finally got a chance to clean my house a little on Thursday night.  Finally.  Clutter and dirt makes me stressed.  It was so wonderful today to come home to a clean house with most everything put away where it belongs.  I feel so much peace when my environment is peaceful.

…Yikes!!!…This week I have totally been pigging out.  ….You know what?  I can’t put this whole thing in the same post as my wonderful weekend with Dana, my heartfelt connection with her children, and my peaceful home.  Coming in a moment!   

introvert or extrovert? September 30, 2007

I had an interesting conversation with some friends tonight.  There was a lull in the conversation, and Lizzie commented that we must all be introverts, not extroverts.  I’m thinking, absolutely, introvert, hands down.  I never feel like I’m good at being the center of attention, or coming up with a conversation topic, stuff like that.  But Lizzie went on to say that introverts get their energy from being alone, and extroverts get their energy from being with other people. 

So, I’m an extrovert all of a sudden??? 

I have always gotten my energy from being around people.  The more people, the better.  Some of my fondest memories from childhood involved staying overnight at Grandma’s when a bunch of other people did, too.  I loved going into the kitchen in the morning to find out who was up already, and what we were going to do that day.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, neighbors, as I like to say, we’re a people family! 

Now, living alone and having much more alone time, I can see that my habits have changed, even if my personality hasn’t.  I feel better when I’ve been around other people.  I feel better if I spent a portion of my weekend hanging out with others, doing something social.  I feel better when I go to bed at night if I had something going on in the evening with other people.  However, my habits have me craving that alone time, even though it doesn’t give me the recharge I’m hoping for.  The down time that I know now involves being lazy, watching whatever I want on t.v., lonely stuff like that.  But when I go to bed after an evening or even a whole day of that, I feel even emptier than I did before. 

What do I want, ideally?  People to live with!  A husband, roommates, siblings, whoever.  It would be wonderful to wake up on a Saturday morning and wander my way to the couch, but have somebody to be with as I get my fill of laziness.

It’s like candy.  When you don’t get to eat it very often, one little piece of fudge is wonderfully delicious.  When you eat a lot of it, it makes you feel sick.  When I lived with people, those few moments of alone time really were precious.  I remember when I was in high school, the drive home from work late at night was like my escape.  At those big family get-togethers, hiding away with a book for a little while was a nice break.  In college, it was one of the reasons I went to the fitness center to work out…Even though there were people around, I usually could zone out and just listen to my thoughts for awhile. 

So am I an introvert or an extrovert?  I don’t know.  It’s a spectrum, so no one is totally one and not the other.  I think it probably depends on the situation also.  From this perspective, living alone and not liking it, I need the energy I get from being around other people.  From the perspective of the kid living in the dorms with people around all the time, I loved it, but I did need that energy I got from being by myself.

Owen and Ellie September 22, 2007

This morning I went to a funeral for my friend’s twin babies.  It was a closed casket during the visitation and funeral, but afterwards we were peeking in the room again, looking for part of our carpool, and Dana and Greg invited us to come and see them.  On the ride out there, someone mentioned that they had been to a baby’s funeral before, and it was an image they could never get out of their mind.  Well, seeing Ellie and Owen was an image I never want to get out of my mind.  Two little people that are so precious to my dear friend, and I’ll never get to see them living, so I’m so glad to have seen them today.  Ellie had her hand in Owen’s arm, like the chilvalrous little boy I’m sure he is.    They had a rosary from their grandma held in both their hands.  They each had a teddy bear and a Hawkeye pacifier, and there was a picture of Dana and Greg and letters from each of them for the babies.  They both had their eyes shut, of course, and Owen had his little baby mouth open just a little.  They both had on white hats, and Ellie had a white and pink outfit, Owen’s was white and blue.  Dana was telling us all this stuff about them, how Ellie had hair, which one had her feet and which one had Greg’s feet, forhead, nose, etc.  They were so tiny and peaceful and perfect.

Of course, tears are streaming down my face as I type this!

Isn’t it funny how we take on each other’s pain as our own?  Nothing happened to me, and yet I am sad.  I am sad for my friend’s suffering.  I’m sad because she’s feeling a pain that is so many times greater, and there is nothing anyone can do to take that away for her. 

I suppose you could think about it as a caring sort of sadness.  If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be sad.  If I heard of something like this happening to someone I didn’t really know, it would tug at my heart, and I would feel sympathy for what that person was going through.  But I wouldn’t feel sadness of my own.  I wouldn’t be crying as I wrote about it.  I wouldn’t have lost it at work the other day when I got yelled at for not checking to make sure the right paperwork was done for a new student, and later, been run over by a tricycle.  (Seriously.  Those things are dangerous!) 

Someone else at work made the good point that I can’t understand because I haven’t carried a baby.  They’re right, of course.  But for some reason, I have sadness anyway.  Mine will pass easily, soon I will be left with sympathy for Dana and the desire to be there for her.  Dana’s will take a lot of time and hard days to work through, and probably come back every now and then for the rest of her life.

All I know is, we need each other in this world!  We can’t leave each other alone to deal with things ourselves, as much as our culture tells us that’s the strong way to be.  Dana and Greg need each other right now, and they need their friends and families.  I needed my friends this morning, and they needed me.  After saying our hellos and condolences, we sat down, and I ended up in a pew by myself.  Not a big deal at all, of course, you sit where there’s room for your bottom, and it just turned out we had exactly one more person than there was room for in the other two pews.  But the girls who were sitting on the other side of this kleenex shelf thing scooted together and asked me to come sit with them, and it was nice not to be sitting alone.  Then later when we were coming in to see the babies, I was right up by them, and one of the girls who is old enough to be my mother came beside me and grabbed my hand as she first saw Ellie and Owen.  We all just needed each other today, even though the emotions that we are working through are nothing compared to Dana’s and Greg’s. 

I can think of so many times when I needed support from someone, and I hesitated to ask for it because it seems like the strong, capable thing to do, to figure things out on your own.  Just a little more than a month ago, I just didn’t want to go back to work.  I let it stew and stew for days, until I was so emotional that I would have rather done anything besides be a teacher!  I called Tara, and she and Chad let me come sit in their living room with them for awhile and just cry and complain about it.  They knew it was stupid, I knew it was stupid, but they were there for me anyway. 

On Wednesday when I was trying to figure out what to do about this new student situation, I had been yelled at, I was mad at a couple of my students, I had been run over by a tricycle.  Any one of those things would not have fazed me.  All of them together wouldn’t have fazed me if I wasn’t sad for my friend.  Anyway, I had my fifteen minutes during recess, and I had to figure out what to do about this new student situation, and my foot that got run over is hurting.  (Did I mention it was a two-kid tricycle?)  And I’m crying and I can’t stop, and I’m just confused as heck because I do not cry at work.  Whatever happens to me at work, it is not personal, I deal with it and move on.  So my plan is to stop crying, get ahold of myself, and go ask the principal what I should do about this paperwork.  When I accept that it’s just not going to happen, I went to the teacher next door, who is my go-to teacher about anything else preschool related, and asked her what I should do.  She sends me straight to the bathroom, takes care of the situation, and then joins me in the bathroom to tell me how it worked out and what I need to do next.  Five minutes later the woman who yelled at me is in my classroom, apologizing and hugging and comiserating about Dana with me.  Which made me cry even more of course, and I didn’t want anyone to know that I had lost it.    The point is, at that moment I needed to cry about Dana, and only if everything in my day had gone perfectly would I have been able to hold on.  I was fortunate to be in a place where other people knew Dana, too, and where there were people who would give me a safe space to do that.  It was just too bad that I let it go to the point that I was crying in reaction to something that was not personal but work-related, and didn’t truly affect me.

Owen and Ellie have blessed me with a reminder that we need each other.  They have motivated me to think about what I can do to stay connected with my friends, including their mom.  I need a lot of reminders like that, because I definitely tend to believe that people expect me to be strong and independent, even though I know I really need other people.  Sometimes I’m afraid of being a bother to someone, even though I know if they called me it would be a joy.  I just have to stand up for what I need, and trust that other people will do that for themselves, also.

I pray that Dana and Greg experience some comfort as they grieve.  I pray that they discover the ways that Owen and Ellie have blessed them.

Pray… September 18, 2007

**Updated** 

My good friend Dana lost twin babies Monday.  She was originally due in December.  I can’t even imagine…There are no words to describe…  Please keep her, her husband Greg, and the babies in your prayers.

**It was actually on Monday.  The babies’ names are Owen Francis and Ellie Marie.  Owen was stillborn.  Ellie was born alive a few minutes after her brother, and lived for a couple of hours before she died in her parents’ arms.  Dana was only about 23 weeks pregnant.  How heartbreaking.**