My Favorite Place In the World November 8, 2009

(For best effect, click play now so you can listen while you read!)

When all the stars are in line, the 10:45 Mass at my church is my favorite thing in the world.  Today was one of those days.  There is nothing I love more than church music done well.  And when every factor lines up just right, we are a choir who does church music well.  When luck is on our side, the music and the message combine to form a powerful worship experience.  When the stars align…

Of course it’s not luck!  Of course it’s not “the stars being aligned.”  The Holy Spirit is present here with us.  Whether we feel it or not.  Those experiences when we feel it, when something is different, joyful…well, I think of those experiences as the hit we need to stay addicted.    I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but for me it’s obviously the music.  I’ve been going to 10:45 Mass at St. Vincent most weekends for several years because I hope I will experience that ethereal feeling of God being right with us.  Joining the choir has made those experiences even deeper.  But even when we have an “off” day, even when I don’t feel it, I know it’s true.  But I’m so glad that I do have occasional experiences of feeling those emotions, because it makes it easier to remember.

 

And I wonder…are those emotionally charged experiences a result of consistent pursuit of the Lord?

 

From Janelle at Girltalk:

The practice of the spiritual disciplines is a little like planting a seed. (Please ignore the fact that anything I have ever planted has died, and try to stick with me here.)  You plant a tiny seed in the dirt and you wait…water…wait… water. (I know that there is a little more to it than that, but you get the picture).  It takes time.  The plant only grows after consistent, faithful tending to the seed. 

I met with the Lord this morning.  I’m looking pretty much the same as I did yesterday (enjoying a huge glazed donut—the baby asked for it).  Mike hasn’t told me that I look more holy than the day before.  But as I read the Word and prayed this morning, I was watering.  Lord willing, I will wake up tomorrow morning and do the same thing.  Morning after morning of watering and waiting, and I will eventually see a little green thing sticking up out of the dirt.  Growth!  More watering, more waiting—more growth! 

This Is Important… October 15, 2009

Father, we will lead them home.  –”Tears of the Saints” by Leeland

 

<<Let your light shine before men so they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.>>

Matthew 5:16

The Smallest Children September 26, 2009

Let me preface this by saying that when I bring my soapbox to this blog, it is not a judgement of others’ choices.  I have my opinion, and as strong as I might be in my opinion, it’s just that…an opinion.  You are entitled to your own.  Of course.

I do not like the idea of in vitro fertilization.  This article shows you one of the many reasons why.  Implanted with the wrong embryo???  Can you imagine the pain those two mothers are being put through?  The fact that it’s even possible to implant an embryo into the wrong mother…If you ask me, human life is too important to be subjected to those kinds of mistakes.  And do you think the same mistake has ever been made, but not discovered? 

The idea of “leftover” embryos really bothers me as well.  One, what happens when the couple is finished having children, to any remaining embryos?  (Aka, children?)  Two, it is my understanding that embryos are conceived all at the same time, and then one “batch” can be saved and used for several pregnancies.  So, my question is about age.  If you have one child now, and one child in three years, they are three years apart, even though they have both been alive the exact same amount of time.  It’s weird.  And, what is that little person doing before he or she is implanted?  Not growing.  Not taking in nutrition or expending energy.  It’s weird.  And theoretically, how long could an embryo be “stored” and still be a viable pregnancy?  I’m telling you, IT’S WEIRD!!! 

And what about how you implant, like, six embryos and end up with twins or triplets, or even a single baby?  That’s several children who are lost.  This one is a little vague for me, because we don’t know how many naturally conceived embryos never implant, and I wouldn’t call that a sad thing, because it’s just what happens.  The mothers never know about those children, and I know that they are in God’s hands.  But it’s an uncomfortable thought that all those embryos are implanted with the likelihood of how many will not make it already factored in.

Here’s the big question…  If God intended life to be created in a certain way, then why does in vitro work???  We shouldn’t be able to conceive a child in a petrie dish.  They shouldn’t be able to implant and become full-term pregnancies resulting in normal, healthy babies.  It shouldn’t result in life at all!  Why does it work???

This last point is all me, no factual information whatsoever.  But I think that for me, I never want to try to get pregnant or try not to get pregnant, much less do in vitro.  Even natural family planning feels a little bit like trying to control God, in my opinion.  I feel like it’s not my business to “plan” my family.  Children are a gift from God, and it feels like it would be…more than rude…dishonoring to try to take from God what it is his perogative to give me, or not.  If I didn’t get pregnant, it would be hard.  If I got pregnant several times very close together, that would also be a hard period of time, having several very small children to raise all at once.  But either way, it’s not up to me.  (Which could be one reason I’m not married yet.  If I had gotten married at 22, I could easily have four children by now, and be nowhere near finished!  God just might be saying, “No 18 kids for you!”    )  I would totally be into adopting, but I don’t think I want to do anything medically to “encourage” pregnancy, even if that would be the only way I would ever get pregnant.

And I reserve the right to change my mind when the time comes.  But I doubt that I will.  We’ll see. 

Only Yours August 11, 2009

This morning I read Psalm 101, and it was one of those moments that happens so often, when I think, this doesn’t have anything to do with me!  I’m not a king, I don’t have a royal court.  I had put my own restrictions on which scripture was right, which passages apply to me.  Moving on to the next Psalm…  But something made me stop and really read it, every word.  And…  What if this Psalm is not specifically about a city?  What if it is about a person?  What if it is about the person who is praying it?

I sing of love and justice; to you, LORD, I sing praise.

I follow the way of integrity; when will you come to me? I act with integrity of heart within my royal court.

I do not allow into my presence anyone who speaks perversely. Whoever acts shamefully I hate; no such person can be my friend.

 

I shun the devious of heart; the wicked I do not tolerate.

 

Whoever slanders another in secret I reduce to silence. Haughty eyes and arrogant hearts I cannot endure.

 

I look to the faithful of the land; they alone can be my companions. Those who follow the way of integrity, they alone can enter my service.

 

No one who practices deceit can hold a post in my court. No one who speaks falsely can be among my advisors.

Each morning I clear the wicked from the land, and rid the LORD’S city of all evildoers.

 

How about a rewrite?

 

I sing of love and justice; to you, LORD, I sing praise.

I follow the way of integrity; when will you come to me? I act with integrity of heart within my soul.

I do not allow into my presence any part of myself that speaks perversely. Shamefulness I hate; no such sin can be my act.

 

I shun deviousness of my heart; my wickedness I do not tolerate.

 

Slandering in secret I reduce to silence. Haughty eyes and arrogant hearts I cannot endure.

 

I look to the faithfulness of my soul; it alone can be my companion. The way of integrity, it alone can enter my service.

 

No deceit can hold a post in my soul. No falsely spoken words can be among my advisors.

 

Each morning I clear the wickedness from my soul, and rid this child of God of all evildoing.

 

The song “Hurricane” by Jimmy Needham has been in my heart for several weeks, since I first heard it on his Myspace page.  Everything that we build up inside ourselves, all our pride and accomplishment, all our protection against fear and pain, all our self-indulgence and self-comforting…it can all be against God.  Sometimes we need to ask God to burn it all down, to destroy everything about us that is us.  “It’s Your eye in the storm, wanting only good for me.”  “If destruction’s what I need, then I’ll receive it, Lord, from Thee.”  It’s a scary thought, because we work so hard to build our walls and our worldly protection of ourselves.  But also…nothing I do apart from God is even a shadow of the goodness of what God can do in me.  I don’t want any of my own endeavors to succeed unless God wants them to succeed.  And the good news is, they won’t!  Sometimes it’s just a question of how long I can keep fighting against God’s will.  The very moment I ask God for His will to be done in me, He will rush in to wash away everything I have tried to do, and replace it with what He can do.  He will build His own purposes in me, and He will be right there, with me, in me, protecting me.  I don’t need my own self-constructed walls when I rely on His protection. 

 

I need you like a hurricane, thunder crashing, wind and rain, to tear my walls down.

I’m only Yours now.

I need you like a burning flame, a wildfire untamed, to burn these walls down.

I’m only Yours now.

For Blue Skies August 9, 2009

 

This is a great song, “For Blue Skies” by Strays Don’t Sleep.  It is intense; it evokes both sadness and a sense of relief, of quiet joy. 

Forgiveness is a hard, hard thing.  Forgiving when you feel like the other person is more in the wrong than you are, is the epitome of forgiveness.  And yet, (or perhaps, and thus), it’s the most difficult situation to forgive.  When you feel like you’re sacraficing yourself, emotionally speaking, for the sake of the other, for the sake of the relationship.

Something that occured to me today…I can’t forgive enough for the both of us.  I can’t love enough for the both of us.  I can’t protect enough for the both of us.  I can’t forgive what happened to the other person that caused them to hurt me.  I can’t love the other person enough to change them.  I can’t protect the other person from being hurt.  Their pain is their responsibility.  I am human, a finite creature.  My emotional capacity, though changeable and unmeasureable, has limits.  There is a line in the song, “What you couldn’t do, I will.”  I can forgive the other person, even if they can’t forgive.  But I probably can’t forgive enough for the both of us.  And in that reality, “What you couldn’t do, I will,” is Jesus’ line.  To me, and to the other person.  When we finite humans can’t love enough to take care of one another and protect one another, Jesus is loving enough for all of us.  And his infinite capacity for forgiveness is evident in his sacrafice for us.  He is not a finite human.  And I am ever so grateful.

Heavenly Wondering August 3, 2009

This is something I’ve been thinking about posting on my blog for a long time, but I never really looked for it, to see if I could find a youtube clip.  It’s the Gloria from the Mass of Light, by David Haas.  It is one that my choir uses quite a lot, but not this summer, for some reason.  I’m missing it.  As I expected, the youtube clip doesn’t even do it justice.  First of all, in my choir we start with the piano part and then add the singing.  I love the piano part, it’s so majestic and glorious.  We do it all four-part choral (no solos), and we take it a bit faster than this.  And, oh yes, it’s live.  Even before I joined the choir, I felt like this Gloria just fills the church with the sounds of joy.

Singing the Mass of Light Gloria, with the choir, in my church…  It’s my favorite thing ever.  And the minute I make that statement, a hundred questions ask themselves.  Is it better than chocolate?  Is it better than sunshine?  Is it better than sex?  Is it better than…  I can’t answer those questions.  Not because I don’t know.  A very worldly, reality-driven asnwer is, well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t.  But if I tell you that, you’ll miss the point.  My true, eternal-perpsective answer is, yes.  It’s better to sing to God than to do anything else on the planet.

The point is, I wonder if, for me, singing the Mass of Light Gloria is the closest thing to Heaven I’ll get to see on this side of eternal life.  Scripture tells us (in Revelation, I think?) that the faithful surround the throne of God, singing praise and worship to Him.  The small piece that we get to know about heaven is that it will be perfect, and it will be perfect because we are with God, forever.  Everything else will fade away.  Chocolate, and sunshine, and sex, and anything else that you might have been able to put in that question as your own doubts, all of those wonderful things about life here will mean nothing to us when we come face to face with life there, in God’s presence.  It’s not for me to know right now if singing the Gloria is any small reflection of the joy of heaven, or if any part of the joy I experience on earth will even be a breath of a shadow of heavenly joy.  Heaven is one thing I can’t plan and consider until I know what to expect.  So I don’t know, I don’t think…I just wonder.

No Matter Where I Am August 2, 2009

“Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns

This is one of those rare songs that is just as powerful today as it was the first time I heard it, a couple of years ago.  It brings me closer to God every single time I hear it. 

(The lead singer explains the story behind the song first.  To just hear the song, skip to about 2:00 in the video.)

This morning, my mind got stuck in the lyric: For You are who You are, no matter where I am.  I love that reminder.  Everything changes.  Thus, the storms of life, if you will.  Everything changes, all the time.  Things will be different when I wake up tomorrow.  It happens inside and outside, because of course everything changes out in the world, but I also change and grow, perceive things differently, see things through light and through darkness, myself and my experience changing based on who I am at a given moment.  Everything changes, all the time.

Except for one.

God doesn’t change.  Ever.

Vagueness and Desire July 1, 2009

Can someone tell my why the statement “I’m not going to think about _____” always really means: “ALL I’m going to think about is _______!!!” 

Thinking about ___ and wondering about ___ and talking about ___ is not going to get me ___!  In fact, it’s totally up to God whether I get to have ___ or not.

(I’m trying to be vague while venting…can you tell?  It’s personal, and I’m never going to get this particular ___ anyway, so it’s best if it just stays secret.)

Here’s the thing…It’s God’s business!!!  All the effort in the world won’t get me what I want here, because what I want is a situation ordained and blessed by God, and me trying to be in control of it is not going to result in that kind of a situation.  I need to not want it unless God wants it for me, but I’m having a hard time letting go.  I say, God, take away my desire for this, if you don’t want this for me, and I wake up the next morning desiring it even more.  Is that God working, allowing my desire for some reason?  Or is that because trying not to think about something results in thinking about it even more?

It’s so easy to slip into bitterness.  Other people have ___, but I don’t get to.  I’m not good enough for ___.  But I know that’s not what God wants me to do!  He wants me to pursue Him, not ___, and let Him work out the details of ___ in my life. 

“I am the Lord, your God.  You shall have no other gods besides Me.”  It’s the first commandment.  “Love the Lord your God with all your heart.”  It’s Jesus’ translation of the same commandment.  Desiring something more than I desire God is wrong, end of story. 

But putting aside a desire…it’s so hard!!!

Vacation Preview June 17, 2009

In the upcoming days, I have many stories and thoughts from my vacation to San Diego…and I actually took some pictures this time, too! But for today, I’m going to just set the stage, and then I’m going to get all my complaining out of my system. Ready?

I went to San Diego from Thursday to Tuesday, with one of my favorite people in the world, Dave, to see another of my favorite people in the world, Jessica, and her husband Chris, and Dave’s friend Jeff. So, the characters in this story are me and Dave from Omaha, and Jessica, Chris, and Jeff, who all live in the San Diego area. Get ready to hear a lot about the ocean, and see lots of pictures of the ocean. There will be subplots related to rhinos, camels, a dog named Maggie, a fishbowl, and looking up a skirt.

Are you interested now?

Okay, now let’s get this complaining and moot comments out of the way…

1. I…NEED….FRUIT. Eating out for six days in a row, and then coming home at midnight to an apartment with no food to speak of…I need some fruit!!!  Grocery store, here I come!

2. HOW did I go for five days in sunny San Diego, and only get sunburnt on day six?????

3. I LOVE to fly!!! I love take-off and landing. Love it. I actually love the up-and-down feeling of a little bit of turbulence, although I’d rather have a smooth flight so I would be allowed to get up and use the restroom and stretch my legs in the middle of it. I don’t know why I was ever nervous to fly! …Okay, I do know why. People can’t fly. I don’t have wings. Being so far above the ground is not a natural thing for humans to be able to do. However, I am aware that statistically, it is much safer to fly than drive, so I know that no matter how unnatural it feels, it is a safe thing to do. Also, I felt very close to God on these flights, just like I did on the flights to and from Vegas, two years ago. (I don’t fly often!) This trip, two things stuck in my mind as we were flying. One, a verse from Psalms that says, “When I feel my foot slipping, your love, oh Lord, holds me up.” God’s love alone can hold that plane in the air. On the other hand, if God wants to crash the plane, I’m in. I’m “all in” for God, completely surrendered to His will in my life, and if He chooses that my plane should crash, I’m not afraid, for it is His will that determines what days I get to spend here on earth (or in the sky above it) and what days I will spend with Him in heaven.  Being in an airplane is the only time I’ve felt so unafraid, so completely surrendered to God.

Weird it may be, but that is how I felt.

Now, stay tuned for the more entertaining stories! 

Falling Off the Face of the Earth May 16, 2009

To my fellow teachers out there:  I sincerely hope you are reading my blog and think I’m just being a big drama queen.  Really, I hope your transition from school year to summer is more peaceful and manageable than mine.  And I beg you…what is your secret? 

I’m at my parents’ dining room table, finding myself with a few free minutes.  I finished what I could do on the grant report I brought to work on this weekend; I’m waiting for some paperwork to arrive in the mail before I can do anything else with it.  I need to make a salad later for the bachelor/bachelorette party later tonight.  But right now, these few minutes are my own.

Why is everything crazy?  Or, crazier than usual end-of-the-school-year stuff?  Among other things, I moved to a different apartment, I am switching grades and therefore moving to another classroom, my brother is getting married in a few weeks…  Just a few big things add up to more weekends away from home and more hours in the classroom during the week.  And those hours and trips add up to more junk food and beer and less exercise, which deplete my energy level like crazy.  (Thus the salad as my contribution tonight!)    (Maybe I should spend these few minutes going for a run…)  I feel like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth.

I’ve been obsessed recently with God’s promises of help.  A couple of weeks ago, I was recovering from food poisoning (or stomach flu of some kind), and I knew the upcoming week would be very busy, and I had just moved and my apartment was still a mess.  I didn’t feel good, and I was edging toward dispair.  I was looking for something to hold onto, something that would just get me through the following 12 hours.  I just opened to Psalms and started reading.  And I found Psalm 94:18-19:

When I say, “My foot is slipping,” your love, Lord, holds me up.  When cares increase within me, your comfort gives me joy.

I love that thought: His love, alone, can keep me from falling.  And here I am, two weeks later, still battling deadlines and a pile of tasks deeper than ever, and He is right here with me, protecting me, helping me.