Passions October 13, 2009

Well, crapola, I wanted to be asleep by now, but I feel like blogging! 

(Over the weekend I bought a book called Feel: The Power of Listening to Your Heart, by Matthew Elliot.  Does that not sound like just the book for me?    I’ll let you know how it is…)

(And…”crapola”…isn’t that a blast from the past?  I think I started using that word when I was about 12?  It hasn’t made an appearance in awhile!)

Not long ago, I briefly talked about seeing the big picture.  I mentioned that at that moment, I felt I could see the big picture more clearly than usual.  Well let me tell you…I can not!  The entire time I was feeling unbearably discontent with everything, I had this nagging feeling that nothing would come of all my ranting.  I had a little voice telling me that the “big picture” was deceptive, that I was still seeing a small window, and from a very specific perspective.

Well, a few weeks later, of course my perspective has changed a little.  Life changes, things change, perspectives change.  And I am here to tell you, what I saw back then doesn’t quite match up with what I see today.

I think I need to get into specifics, to explain myself clearly.

At that moment, when I wrote about the “big picture,” I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to not be a teacher, to have a career in music.  Because music is my one big passion, my one big dream.

As though there were just one.

The truth is, my passion for music is real, and just as big as I said, and it’s a part of my life and my personality every day.  But I am passionate about many things, and when some get ignored or rejected, others seem to get bigger.  And since the end of a certain relationship-that-shall-not-be-named, (*giggle*, there is no bitterness, I’m just being dramatic!), I’ve realized how “fine” I am on my own, how completely I would accept a life of singleness, if that’s what God has for me.  Which led to almost an embracing of that thought, an assuming that I will be single. 

Which led to a single, startling, scary thought:  “If I knew for certain that God is calling me to be single…that I’m definitely not ‘waiting’ for that season of my life to begin…I don’t want to be a teacher.” 

Which led to another, more scary thought:  “I don’t know what I want to be.”  Which led to an extreme assumption: that there is one thing that I am supposed to “be,” and if I figure out what it is, all my problems will be solved and my life will be perfect.  Which led to my thinking that I am supposed to “be” in the world of music. 

And yes, if there is only one passion that I get to keep, it would be music.  It has to be.  I can’t live without it.

But I don’t think there is only one passion that I am supposed to keep!

 

Today is a “homebirth day,” it seems.  I watched a video from Sara at Walk Slowly, Live Wildly that is a beautiful slide show of her daughter’s birth.  And as I commented to Sara, I think homebirth is in my soul!    And then on 18 Kids & Counting tonight, I watched the first Duggar grandchild come into the world via–surprise!–a homebirth.  I can’t watch a birth, see pictures of a birth, read or hear about a birth, without hearing a voice deep inside me saying, I want to do that!  I am not married, I am not pregnant, I don’t have any children…there is no reason for me to be as “hooked” on birth stories as I am.  I was reminded that birth…homebirth…mothering…well, music is definitely not the one thing for me!

Tonight I was reading through some of my favorite blog posts that I’ve written, and there are definitely some diverse passions there!  I read a post that I wrote where I said that thinking about homeschooling gives me butterflies in my stomach.  I read a post about birth that is more than most girls in my position know about birth.  I read a few posts about how I feel about my siblings.  I read posts about cleaning.  I read posts about books I’ve read.  And movies I’ve watched.  And t.v. shows that I’m into.

And, yes, I read many, many posts about song lyrics, bands I’m into, singing, playing instruments, going to concerts.

 

So, off the top of my head:

MUSIC: singing, playing, listening to, discovering new bands to listen to, going to concerts…

FAMILY: honoring my parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles, being best friends with my siblings, the value of accepting and encouraging one another, the value of marriage, the value of children…speaking of which…

CHILDREN: homeschooling, homebirthing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, reading to, singing with, listening to, lovingly ignoring, hugging & kissing…(yeah, when I have my own kids, I’m going to have to acquire some more passions that would fit with the teen years)…

STORIES: books, books, and more books, movies, t.v. shows…

HOMEMAKING: cleaning, cooking, creating a space that is warm and comfortable and encourages relationships…

FOOD: green smoothies, new recipes, clean eating, all things fruit & vegetable…and the occasional box of Lucky Charms…

 

I look at that list, and I think, “Well crapola, I really don’t want to be a teacher!”  (Let’s just keep using the pre-teen expletive, shall we?)  But I think how much I love to be on stage playing music, and I think about how much I would love to be a homebirthing, breastfeeding, homeschooling mama…and those two things are at war with each other, if I let my imagination get the best of me.  The truth is, in reality, those two things are going to find a way to coexist in one person, because neither one is going anywhere.

I know that living without a musical outlet sends me a little bit ’round the bend.  I’m aware of that, and it’s something I have to deal with and keep tabs on.  (Oh, that sounds so boring!  I love needing a musical outlet!  It’s a pleasure to deal with that part of my personality!  Doesn’t that sound better?)  And music is, most definitely, my one thing.  But it is not my only thing.

 

So, then, I don’t want to be a teacher, at least not a public school first grade teacher.  What could I do, for money, related to any of those things up there?  Maybe I can publish my upcoming NaNoWriMo novel?  (If I have time to actually write it.)  Maybe I can help choose the music used in movies and t.v. shows?  (What are those people called, exactly?)  Maybe I can be a midwife?  (No, I didn’t think so either.  If I were the medical sort.)  Maybe I should be a Natural Family Planning counselor?  (No…)  Maybe I can be a professional triangle player…

Maybe I can find a job, related to children, using the education I already have, that fits with the way I think kids learn and grow best.  One that doesn’t make me panic and think: WE’RE RUINING THEM!!!  One where I can encourage, motivate, and inspire kids to take charge of their own learning…

I think I had a job like that last year… 

 

Okay, now tell me honestly.  Just how crazy do you think I am right now? 

Dealing with the crap. Alone. November 23, 2008

Screw it.  I don’t need a whole week to confirm the purpose of this blog.  Here it is:  I live alone.  I don’t do well alone.  The opportunity to blog buffers the “alone” in my life.  I need somewhere to vent and tell my stories and get out my frustrations at the end of the day, and there’s no one here to do that.

So, I’m not going to succumb to pressure to blog every day, or to be completely positive all the time.  I’m going to trust that if I get all the depressing and tortured crap out of me in this blog, you will remember what I nice person I really am.    I am also going to trust that you understand that I write this blog for me, for my own sanity, and that I do lots of nice, unselfish things in my life, but this isn’t one of them.  You can also find good things, and pictures, and funny stories, and quotes, and whatnot.  But this blog is about getting out all the strong emotions so that in real life, I can treat people kindly.

So, here is the discussion that’s been brewing inside me for five days…

There is a game that we play on this planet called My Life Is Worse Than Your Life.  You’ve played this game, I know you have.  But you probably don’t realize you’ve done it until the conversation is over.  It starts with someone trusting you with their problems.  You start the game when, instead of being supportive, you respond by telling them similar problems in your own life.  And it goes back and forth with a little subtle, almost unnoticeable, competition.  “But my life is worse because…”  “No, no, my life is definitely worse because…”

I get sucked into it on the following topics:  marriage, motherhood, money.  The three m’s.  Do not tell me that since you got married when you were 31, you know all about what I should be doing right now, you think I’m so young and I should be having fun, etc.  I have been waiting a long time for this, despite the fact that I am “only” 27.  Do not tell me that your life sucks because you don’t sleep through the night anymore.  I would give my right arm to have a baby waking me up in the night.  Do not tell me you are broke because you only have a couple hundred dollars in your checking account and you had to transfer some from savings.  I am not blessed with natural skill in this area, and I am still trying to learn how to manage my money, and not live paycheck-to-paycheck.

Basically, do NOT respond to my problems by telling me why I’m so lucky to have these problems.  NONE of us is any more or less “lucky” than anyone else.  My problems are problems for me, and they are stressful, and you can’t fix it by telling me why I’m so “lucky.”  You just piss me off more.  And don’t tell me, oh, you just don’t understand yet, you’ll know what it feels like when you’re married or you have kids or whatever.  Do you have any idea how condescending that feels?  Like I’m not entitled to stress because I’m not married yet???  Like even though I’m 27, I am not to be considered an adult, but a child who doesn’t know the first thing about life???

I have been through a lot in my life, a hell of a lot more than some people who have been married since they were 20.  I was more responsible at the age of 17 than many 30-year-olds.  I had been through more relationship crap by my 21st birthday than I hope most people have to see in their entire lives.  Do you want me to tell specific stories?  Because I could, but you wouldn’t want your children to read my blog.  My childhood crap and my college boyfriend crap has made me strong and mature, and grow up faster than anyone should.  So if I needed a few years of peace, if it takes me just a little longer to get from 21 to married with kids, don’t look at me like I’m so innocent and naive!!!

We all have crap from our lives, but the only crap I know is my own.  So please, just let me yell about it here, and then I will be able to promise you that, to the best of my ability, in real life I will be supportive when you come to me with problems.

See?  I don’t do well alone.  I get selfish and angry.  If I have someone to take care of, I’m on top of the world.  If I have someone to play with and argue with and do things with, life is good.  But I don’t.  I wake up alone.  I go home alone.  I eat dinner alone.  Whatever happened to the days when a girl went straight from her father’s house to her husband’s house???  Mark my words.  In 70 years, you’re going to see that from the time I started living alone to whenever I get married, this will be the darkest, most unhappy, most personally challenging part of my life.  Not because childhood was easy, or because marriage will be easy.  Just because this is who I am, and none of it is easy, but this is the only part that is alone.

Make like a starfish! June 22, 2008

I happened upon an article this morning entitled Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry.  One of the things: Take advantage of the whole bed.  You have the rest of your life to stick to “your” side when you sleep next to your man.  Right now, place your pillow smack-dab in the center and make like a starfish.  I love it!  I make like a starfish every night! 

I have decided to get a bedspread, and I’ve settled on the Nautica one that you see at the top of this post.  I was making one, but…I’m too frustrated with it.  Some days I like to quilt for quilting’s sake, just because it’s enjoyable.  But most days, I don’t want to work on it, I just want the finished product.  I can’t commit to work on it for a certain amount of time each day, because I’m busy, and there are a lot of days when that’s just not possible.  Plus, then I feel under pressure for this project, and that’s not what it’s supposed to be.  It’s been about two years since I started.  That’s two winters that I’ve said “I’ll get this quilt done before it gets cold.”  Well, I’m giving up.  Sort of.  I’m buying a quilt that I like, and I’m going to work on the other quilt for fun, when I want to.  When it’s done, it’s done.  Until then, no problem.  I’ll make like a starfish under my lovely brown and blue quilt!

Random late-night stream of consciousness… October 1, 2007

Here we go again.  It is about 11:30, and I will be getting up in 6 hours.  A couple of hours ago, I felt tired, but now I’ve found that second wind.  And I feel like venting, so watch out.  This entry will be all over the place, badly written, personal, vague…I’d go read something else if I were you… 

Doesn’t it suck when the person you want to talk to is in a bad mood?  There’s a particular person in my life who I would love to talk to about something very positive, but she’s going through something very negative in the same category, so I feel like I shouldn’t talk to her about this.  It sucks.  I selfishly want everyone to be happy when I’m happy.   

Now, about that positive thing…Emotional people like me go through a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings without ever speaking a word to another person!  That is so confusing, because I know what I’ve been through in the last however long, without talking to the other person, but I have no idea what he’s been thinking or feeling.  And I really, really don’t want to rush anything, because he is just a GREAT guy, and I want this to work out well, HOWEVER it works out.  I want him in my life, in WHATEVER role he’s meant for.  I want with all my heart to ask for God’s guidance in what to do or where this is supposed to go.  But then I get impatient and I just want to know, NOW!  And then I get very doubtful and confused, because based on one tiny interaction, I feel like I screwed things up, or he must not be thinking what I thought he was, or whatever.  However, every single interaction convinces me more of what a great person he is.  This is definitely an exercise in trusting God!  Such a girly paragraph…we’ll be finished with that now. 

I drive myself crazy!  Who else would want to put up with me???  You know it bothers me that I left my pajamas on the bathroom floor this morning?  It bothers me that I can’t go to bed at night, and therefore can’t get up in the morning.  It bothers me that I don’t remember to water my plants until they’re drooping.  It bothers me that there’s an expired mostly empty gallon of milk in the fridge that I keep forget to take out with the garbage. 

For a long time, I’ve felt like I need to improve myself, become closer to perfect, before having a significant other in my life.  I’m starting to think the opposite is true.  I need a significant other in my life NOW, so I will stop paying so much attention to myself and what’s wrong with me!   

YES!  I’m feeling tired again.  I’m going to take advantage of it RIGHT THIS MINUTE before it’s gone!  GOODNIGHT!!! 

The answer… July 2, 2007

I think the answer has come.  I don’t trust it yet, because I’ve been going back and forth, as I said.  But it feels…calm.  Peaceful.  Like this is the right direction for me to be thinking.

Unfortunately, it’s not a very positive answer.  And it does still rely on a bit of patience.

Here’s what I realized.  This is not the same opportunity as it was when I was first considering it.  When I began to consider it, it was moving to a city far away, with my sister, both of us single, both of us knowing no one in the new place.  Now, the opportunity is to move to a city far away, with my sister, but she has a boyfriend there and a bunch of friends.

Don’t misunderstand…I am SO happy for Sarah!  She deserves for this relationship to work out, if it’s right for her.  But for practically my entire adulthood, I have lived with my good girlfriends and guy friends as they prepare to start their life with the one who is right for them.  Again, I am so incredibly happy for them!  They deserve it.  I wouldn’t trade those years, or those friendships formed, for anything in the world. 

But it is hard to be that girl.  It’s hard to watch, day in and day out, as my best friends get the one thing I want most.  It’s hard to be the girl who sees their little inside jokes, who knows how they fight and how they make up, who sees them sharing everything, and not have my own person to share all that with. 

It’s so hard to stay away from jealousy when I’m in that situation.  Jealousy is a tough monster to battle.  It starts with “I’m so happy for you, but I wish I had some version of that.”  Harmless.  And it slowly develops into “I want you to be as miserable as I am” if you’re not careful.  And in between, you go through these really horrible phases of “What the hell is wrong with me, that I can’t have that?” and the occasional angry “It isn’t fair that I’m the one who has to deal with this over and over, roommates after roommates!”  And it’s all just a silent battle, because it wouldn’t be fair to the roommates to actually include them in this little battle.

I just don’t think I can do it again.  I can’t knowingly put myself in a position to feel like that.  It’s such a negative reason, it paints me in a bad light.  It makes me sound like a pathetic, sad, lonely person.  I do wish I had a “better” reason.  But that is my reality right now.  The opportunity to move in with Sarah as she gets closer to her boyfriend, possibly gets engaged, spends all her time with him…that doesn’t sound like a great opportunity.  It doesn’t sound like something that will make me happy.  If for some reason, things don’t work out with this boyfriend, if the opportunity changes, then I’ll reconsider.  But for this opportunity, no.  Not right for me.

ROOMMATES–You know who you are!  You girls and guys are the best friends I’ve ever had.  I dealt with those feelings despite how great you are.  It’s not AT ALL you.  Got it?  As I said, my problems are because of me.  You all have nothing to do with them.  Don’t for one second think that you do.  You are the best!!!

The sunny spin… June 21, 2007

Told ya. 

I’m fine.  I’m so fine I can’t even explain it.  If I were married now, that would mean that I’ve dragged the love of my life through some really crappy things.  For example, I made a mess of my money when I first got a “real” paycheck.  And that’s one of the more superficial challenges I’ve faced.  I know I won’t ever be perfect, but the more growth that I can get out of the way before I drag someone else into it, the better. 

Everybody (by which I mean my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles…the grown-ups) seemed to think so highly of me when I was in high school, and when I first went to college.  They thought I was such a responsible, mature teenager, and I guess I was.  But it’s taking me a long time to get from responsible, mature teenager to responsible, mature adult.  There are people in my life that seemed to just wake up one day and be the responsible adult, with no effort whatsoever.  I had a lot of irresponsible, immature moments between then and now.  Truthfully, I have no reason to believe that the irresponsibility and immaturity is behind me! 

Guess what?  Most of the time I DON’T CARE!  I embrace the journey of irresponsibility and immaturity!  Well, that’s not exactly what I mean.  Let’s try this thought again…

I screw up a lot.  But much of the time those mistakes lead to experiences that I never would have had otherwise, experiences that have made me grow.  So I embrace the idea of risking making a wrong choice once in awhile, because it’s the riskiest moves that bring the greatest reward. 

Not to mention…If I were married now, I probably wouldn’t be considering moving far, far away with Sarah next year!  If I decide to go for it, I know it will be one of the most significant events of my life.  I’ve already talked about this a little.  It will be the first time I make such a big choice purely because I just want to, I just think it’s the right thing for me right now.  Staying here is clearly the easier choice–I already have a job, an apartment, people, a church, things to do practically every evening if I want.  I wouldn’t be going for a better career opportunity, or anything like that.  It would be a choice just for me, because I want to try it and see what happens.  I don’t know what I will decide, but I love the freedom to consider it without taking into consideration someone else’s career or desires. 

So there’s your sunny spin.    I want to get married someday, of course.  So until that day comes–by which, I mean whenever I find out whether or not that will happen–I’m just gonna keep taking risks and growing and hopefully be a better me, for the person who I will drag through it all, and for me too.

I hate living alone. June 20, 2007

Lucky you, you’ve chosen to read my blog on a day when I feel like complaining.  Sorry about that.  For your sake, I pray that by the end of this post, my complaints have been put in proper perspective and I have somehow found a way to put a sunny spin on everything that I, at this moment, feel contempt for.  Wish me luck…  (Now go back and read that paragraph imagining the appropriate amount of sarcasm in my voice.  Imagine me sitting here glaring at the computer screen.  Got the image?  Good.)

(And I really am sorry…)

I hate living by myself.  For almost two years, I’ve been saying that having a dog doesn’t help that, but I think I’m wrong.  Having a dog helps me ignore how incredibly alone I am.  Today my sister and my mom took the dog to their house until I get back from my vacation next week.  So now I am really ALONE.  You have no idea how alone you are until you’re the only living creature in your home.  (Okay, I’ll take into account the plants, and say the only breathing creature in your home.)

It’s not that I want more things to do with people.  I mean, I love having things to do with people.  But my point is, I have things to do with people.  What I want is someone to come home to after I’m done with those events.  Or someone to come home to me after they’re done with their day.  Someone to miss me if I don’t come home.  If I were to get in a car accident on my way home from the last thing I do for the day, nobody would realize it until the next morning when I didn’t show up for whatever I was doing that day.  Isn’t that sad?  It’s prideful and immature, I think, but I want to be important to someone. 

What is with the pain?  It’s supposed to be just waiting, just being patient until I find out if God has that particular path in store for my life.  It’s supposed to be just living my life to the fullest, right now, and not worrying about the rest.  But sometimes in the middle of living it to the fullest, it just hits me, out of the blue.  The pain that what I want most in life, I can’t have right now.  The fear that God’s answer is no, you may not have this.  The lack of trust and contentment in God’s plan for me, whatever it may be.  What is up with that?

You know, the other night I dreamed it was my wedding day.  I’m not going to tell you the whole story because it was one of those weird dreams where not much makes sense.  But one thing I remember clearly was my dress.  I remember the neckline, the beading, the skirt, every detail.  (Interestingly, I don’t think it was a dress I would have chosen in real life, but it was beautiful in the dream!)  The weird thing is, I don’t really care about the wedding.  I don’t care about a wedding dress, or the color of the bridesmaids’ shoes, or  decorations on every third pew, or having the perfect you-fill-in-the-blank on my wedding day.  Those details aren’t important.  The important thing about that day will be the person.  I want the relationship, I want that life with someone. 

But I can’t figure out what God wants.

Maybe there will be a sunny spin tomorrow…

the perks I forgot about! September 22, 2006

There is one of those “newsletters,” if you can call it that, that I get in my email inbox every week.  You know the type…You signed up for it at some point, but by now it has become so useless to you that you delete it with all the spam as soon as it arrives.  Well, today I opened this one, for some reason, but this time I actually found an article that I really appreciated.  To be honest, I seem to have moved completely out of the “I want to get married!!!” trance, and I’m completely comfortable where I’m at.  I still want to be a wife and hopefully a mom someday, but it will happen when it’s the right time, and I have no need to worry myself over it.  However, I still hate living alone.  This article reminded me of all the great things about living alone that I totally take for granted!  So share, share, share, with everyone you know who despises having a refrigerator and bathroom to themself!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Status: Single!
21 reasons to enjoy the state you’re in
 by Ginger E. McFarland

 

Okay, gals, let’s face it. Some days living alone just plain stinks. When you’re single, there’s no one to take care of you when you’re ill, no one to cuddle with on a stormy evening, no one to kiss good-night (besides your teddy bear and maybe your dog, but they don’t count). Those are the times when I wonder if my Creator’s forgotten about my deep-felt desires—you know, the ones he created in me. But God reminds me through Solomon’s words in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 that there’s a time and a season for everything. The Bible also encourages me to give thanks in all circumstances because this pleases God (1 Thessalonians 5:18). So here are 21 reasons we singles can be grateful for this season of singleness!

1.You don’t have to cook every night—unless you want to. And no one will notice all those crusty dishes in your sink you haven’t gotten around to washing yet!

2.The remote control is all yours—so there are no “discussions” over whether you’re watching the Monday night movie or Monday Night Football.

3.You can eat ice cream right out of the container, which is especially important when it comes to Ben & Jerry’s.

4.You can listen to Pavarotti, Frank Sinatra, or Newsboys at the 10-decibel setting on your stereo; you can listen to Christmas music in September; you can listen to your favorite cd over and over and …

5.You can spend money without consulting with anyone.

6.You can leave the house messy and no one will complain or you can leave the house spotless and no one will clutter it.

7.The phone always rings for you and every piece of mail only has your name on it.

8.You can come home from work and spend the rest of the evening in your undies (make sure you keep the curtains closed, though).

9.All the closet and drawer space is yours for the filling.

10.The toilet paper always goes over the top of the roll. And the toilet seat is always down.

11.You can take long showers and use up all the hot water. And no one will flush the toilet and scald you while you’re there.

12.You have a lot less laundry to do—and less folding and ironing.

13.No one drinks all the milk and then puts the empty container back into the refrigerator.

14.No one uses all the ice cubes and returns the empty tray to the freezer.

15.Your plans are just that—yours. No permission necessary.

16.You can lie in bed every night until 3 a.m. reading the newest John Grisham novel.

17.You can pretend you’re Judy Garland, grab your hairbrush and, using it as a microphone, give the performance of your life—to the bedroom mirror, who will of course think you rock!

18.You can hit the snooze bar every time it goes off for two hours before you get up and no one will be-come annoyed—unless, of course, you live in an apartment with thin walls.

19.You can cut coupons out of the paper without worrying about someone wanting to read the article on the other side.

20.You can go out of town on a pampering weekend without consulting somebody else’s schedule.

21.You have uninterrupted time with God.

You’re right!! May 26, 2006

Chad, thanks for your comments!  You’re so right…I didn’t think of that, for some reason!  I don’t want a guy controlling me, of course.  I think we all remember a certain asshole from sophomore year???

But, doesn’t somebody always need to kind of lead the way in a relationship?  I don’t mean like choosing what restaurant to eat at.  But the big decisions, like moving forward with things when you’re dating.  Or big decisions like buying a house, changing careers, parenting issues.  In most of the relationships that I’m familiar with, one person seems to take charge when it comes to the big issues.  (Chad’s opinion seems very valid to me, though, because it really seems to me like he and Tara work together when they make big decisions.) 

Hmm.  You know what?  I might have just answered my own question.  In the relationships where it seems like somebody takes charge, neither person seems very happy.  I actually look at relationships like that and worry, because I don’t want to get married and end up so unhappy later on.  These people insist that they have found the love of their life, that they look back and know they chose the right person.  But I worry, worry, worry, because I would rather not find the love of my life if I’m going to end up as unhappy as they seem.  In the relationships that I see this way, it happens to be the wife who is “taking charge.”  I guess I thought that if it was the husband, things would be better.  I don’t know why.  Now I see how ridiculous that is.   

I love hanging out with Tara and Chad because they are my best friends, of course.  But I also like hanging out with them because from my perspective, neither person seems to take control and make the other person unhappy.  I see them working as a team, each of them doing what’s best for the other person.  (Tara, I’m sure you love my perception of your relationship plastered on the internet.  Let me know if you want me to delete this part, and I’ll find another way to illustrate my point!  )

I would just like to point out, once again, that this is all MY PERCEPTION of things!  I don’t know squat about relationships!  I’ve never been in love, and I’ve never met somebody that would actually make me happy to marry him.  So all I have to go by is how I see other relationships.  But since the only two people who know about a relationship are the two people who are in it, what I see may or may not be true.  Remember that when you’re reading my opinions here.  I’m not proclaiming myself to be an expert.  I’m telling you right here, I definitely have a ton to learn.  I’m just trying to figure things out, just like everybody else.

chivalry or walk-all-over-me? May 23, 2006

Woohoo for me!  I just figured out how to uninstall some stupid spyware by myself!  I accidently put it on my computer because something popped up a couple days ago, and I hit yes by mistake instead of no.  Oops.  Anyway, I had no idea what it would be, and it was this stupid “pop-up blocker” that actually seemed to cause tons of pop-ups, even when I wasn’t using my computer.  But, ha-ha spyware!  I took it off!  (In case you don’t know, figuring out how to do something like that on my computer is a big deal for me.  You can ask me almost anything about Word or Excell, but don’t ask me about things like viruses and spyware!!!)

On the way to work this morning, the radio dj’s were talking about guys being “too nice,” and I wanted so badly to put in my two cents, but I don’t really feel comfortable calling a radio station, you know?  So I thought I’d satisfy my need to put my two cents in right here.  One of the points they made is that guys are sometimes “too nice” because they don’t make decisions.  Like if you ask them where they want to go eat, they will say, “Oh I don’t care.  Wherever you want to go is fine with me.”  They made the point that this is only a bad thing if it’s a consistent thing, if that’s what they say every time, if they never make a choice.  Here’s my two cents:  First of all, girls are just as guilty of this as guys!!!  It’s not a gender-specific problem!  I have had to work really hard at answering the “what do you want to do” question with an actual answer, because I have the tendency to want to please.  Secondly, I am probably old-fashioned here, but I am looking for a guy who will lead.  I am looking for a guy who can be a man and take the lead in the marriage and the family.  A good leader will take the counsel of his wife very seriously.  He will also take very seriously the fact that his leadership affects his wife and his family, and it should affect it positively.  And then of course, I am looking for a man that I can follow, and you should look for a man that you can follow.  I shouldn’t attach myself to a guy whose values are so different from my own that his leadership will make me resent him.  I should attach myself to a guy who I can trust to lead me and our family in a good direction.  And of course, of course, I am only obligated to follow his leadership if I decide to marry him, not all the guys in all the world.  Dating is a time to “test out” the guy’s leadership, see if it fits my values, see if I could follow him. 

Wow, that is a really “traditional” way of thinking, huh??? 

The second point they brought up was holding doors and pulling out chairs and such.  They seemed to be saying that guys want to know whether or not girls want that stuff.  Apparently, guys don’t want to be “chivalrous” if it makes girls think they’re weird, but they want to do it if it makes girls happy.  I have one comment…GROW A BACKBONE!  Guys who think that way need to realize that even if girls don’t expect it or wouldn’t necessarily request it, THAT’S NOT THE POINT!  Guys seem to want some sort of guideline, so here’s mine:  Don’t be chivalrous because it’s what the girl wants.  Be chivalrous because you know it’s a good and respectful thing to do.  If you don’t think that, then don’t go out of your way to be chivalrous!  And girls, if a random guy opens a door for you at the mall, say thank you!  Make their day.  If your stupid feminist radar goes on high alert, ignore it and remember the guy was just being polite, and the least you can do is be polite back by thanking him. 

Okay, there’s my two cents.  What do you think?  Guys, especially?