May Your birth make me live again. May Your death make me free again. May Your life make me sing again Your song of love. –”Your Song of Love,” written by Robert Fabing, SJ
<<holy water…nothing magical about it, but something beautiful about it always being there>>
<<a six-year-old who asked me out of the blue: “has the united states ever fought a war against itself?” seriously??? do not pass go, do not collect $500, go straight to junior high!>>
<<facebook.>>
<<supportive colleagues>>
<<lucky charms. best cereal ever. bedtime snack, anyone?>>
“Can’t Have You” by Jonas Brothers is one of my current favorite songs. It has that feeling of one of my all-time favorite songs. Kevin Jonas says of this song: “It’s all raw emotion and pure intentions. It’s about not letting your life go by and disappear without a moment’s notice.” I love this song.
I’m sure you noticed just how excited and passionate I was about the concert I sang recently. Before that experience, the music activities in my life had been few and far between for a little while. Over the summer, we don’t practice for church choir, we just show up on Sundays. And, for many Sundays, I hadn’t been in town. Then, I was too sick to go for two weekends in a row. And while I was sick, I wasn’t playing my piano, and I didn’t have a voice to even sing in the shower! And as you may have noticed…but I don’t always…when the music is few and far between, I go a little bit crazy.
Crazy, like thoughts of, “It was a HUGE mistake! I should have been a clarinet performance major!!!”
Hmm…
So, anyway, shortly after that concert, maybe a couple days later, I was listening to this song, and I must have had those thoughts in my head. And it occurred to me that the “you” in the song could be something in your life, not necessarily a person. And that day, when I listened to this song, the “you” became playing music in general. You know how sometimes things take on meanings of their own– that’s what this was like. I wasn’t analyzing and thinking, “But what is the song about?” It just became about music, for me, that time listening to it.
The last line of the bridge, “I can’t live without you,” became especially significant. It rang so true. I can’t live without playing and singing. I don’t mean, I would die if I didn’t. What I mean is, I can’t NOT play music. I can’t live without playing music because it won’t stay away from me. Or I can’t stay away from it. Either way, me living without playing music just does NOT happen. I assume I would die if I didn’t play music, which may sound like I’m being dramatic, and I am joking of course, but I also feel like it might be true! But we’ll never find out, because I can’t NOT play music.
And yet, it’s so easy to wallow in regret when I start feeling this way, but I’m thinking regret is not the way to go. God put me on this path, with these twists and turns, for a reason. At the time, I made the best decision I could with the information that I had. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I was being protected from failing at something I love so much. Maybe I was needed on this turn of the path instead. Or maybe I needed this part of the path to prepare for something else. I may never know why, but I reject the idea that it was a mistake on my part. Sometimes I forcefully reject that idea, because it feels “too late” for me to “correct the mistake.” Or whatever.
So if not regret…how about focusing on this strides I can be making into the future? Or even focusing on being present in today?
But still, this song is so raw and poignant, it’s nice to rest on yearning regret for a moment…
Warned me that you were gonna leave.
Never thought you would really go.
I was blind, but baby, now I see
I broke your heart, now I know
That I was being such a fool
And I didn’t deserve you.
I don’t want to fall asleep, ’cause I don’t know if I’ll get up.
I don’t want to cause a scene, but I’m dying without your love.
Begging to hear your voice tell me you love me, too.
‘Cause I’d rather just be alone, if I know that I can’t have you.
Turn right, into my arms. Turn right, you won’t be alone. You might fall off this track sometime. Hope to see you at the finish line. –”Turn Right” by Jonas Brothers
<<….public library….songs that seem to be about God, even though they probably aren’t….moments when God puts Himself front and center, even if the people involved didn’t mean to….two promising ideas that have presented themselves over the past couple of days….Megan….>>
(No, I don’t know how long I’ll be doing this. Until I feel more grateful, I guess!)
It’s the hope for all the hopeless in the worst of trying times. –”Don’t Speak” by Jonas Brothers
(And do we see a theme in my lyric choices, yet? Pretty soon it will be all Rob Thomas for awhile, and then all Muse, and then all John Mayer, and then all Enation, and then… You just have to let each obsession run its course!)
<<gratitudes:….having my one-dog home back, even though it was kinda fun to have a two-dog house for a couple of days! (walking two dogs–not that much more work than walking one!)….fruit in my fridge, just waiting to be my green smoothie in the morning….online bill paying….awesome customer service at hy-vee….contagious enthusiasm of a friend, that increases my own enthusiasm!….>>
Only love can save us now. –”Downfall” by Matchbox Twenty
<<gratitudes:….surprise birthday party for my friend tim….wii mariokart….my dog….sleeping in on sunday morning….understanding and supportive friends…>>
Let me preface this by saying that when I bring my soapbox to this blog, it is not a judgement of others’ choices. I have my opinion, and as strong as I might be in my opinion, it’s just that…an opinion. You are entitled to your own. Of course.
I do not like the idea of in vitro fertilization. This article shows you one of the many reasons why. Implanted with the wrong embryo??? Can you imagine the pain those two mothers are being put through? The fact that it’s even possible to implant an embryo into the wrong mother…If you ask me, human life is too important to be subjected to those kinds of mistakes. And do you think the same mistake has ever been made, but not discovered?
The idea of “leftover” embryos really bothers me as well. One, what happens when the couple is finished having children, to any remaining embryos? (Aka, children?) Two, it is my understanding that embryos are conceived all at the same time, and then one “batch” can be saved and used for several pregnancies. So, my question is about age. If you have one child now, and one child in three years, they are three years apart, even though they have both been alive the exact same amount of time. It’s weird. And, what is that little person doing before he or she is implanted? Not growing. Not taking in nutrition or expending energy. It’s weird. And theoretically, how long could an embryo be “stored” and still be a viable pregnancy? I’m telling you, IT’S WEIRD!!!
And what about how you implant, like, six embryos and end up with twins or triplets, or even a single baby? That’s several children who are lost. This one is a little vague for me, because we don’t know how many naturally conceived embryos never implant, and I wouldn’t call that a sad thing, because it’s just what happens. The mothers never know about those children, and I know that they are in God’s hands. But it’s an uncomfortable thought that all those embryos are implanted with the likelihood of how many will not make it already factored in.
Here’s the big question… If God intended life to be created in a certain way, then why does in vitro work??? We shouldn’t be able to conceive a child in a petrie dish. They shouldn’t be able to implant and become full-term pregnancies resulting in normal, healthy babies. It shouldn’t result in life at all! Why does it work???
This last point is all me, no factual information whatsoever. But I think that for me, I never want to try to get pregnant or try not to get pregnant, much less do in vitro. Even natural family planning feels a little bit like trying to control God, in my opinion. I feel like it’s not my business to “plan” my family. Children are a gift from God, and it feels like it would be…more than rude…dishonoring to try to take from God what it is his perogative to give me, or not. If I didn’t get pregnant, it would be hard. If I got pregnant several times very close together, that would also be a hard period of time, having several very small children to raise all at once. But either way, it’s not up to me. (Which could be one reason I’m not married yet. If I had gotten married at 22, I could easily have four children by now, and be nowhere near finished! God just might be saying, “No 18 kids for you!” ) I would totally be into adopting, but I don’t think I want to do anything medically to “encourage” pregnancy, even if that would be the only way I would ever get pregnant.
And I reserve the right to change my mind when the time comes. But I doubt that I will. We’ll see.
“Well, as the most responsible, and least likely to measure leadership skills by facial hair, maybe I should be in charge.” –character played by Nick Jonas on JONAS
<<gratitudes: …sunday crunch ice cream treats….dishwasher….sleeping in on saturday morning….the current outdoor temperature….the fact that parent-teacher conferences are over and i can have my evenings back!….>>
I don’t know why I expected the “funny kid stories” to disappear with the move to 1st grade!…
We were having a social studies discussion about families, and we were talking about how I’m a part of a family, even though I don’t live with my mom and dad, or a husband. Little boy CV said, “You’re not married? But you have a ring!” I said that it was just for decoration. He said, “Oh, right, because if you’re married, that kind of ring has a big jewel on it, right?” That’s right, buddy, a BIG jewel!Remember that in a couple decades, okay?
And a couple of lingering preschool stories from last spring that have been sitting in my drafts:
Little girl J: “Teacher, read me a stirry.”
“I like the drink from the moo.” (And she likes “quacks” and “ribbits,” too. Are you picturing all these animals?)
Little boy E: (Holding out a toy for me to see) “Teacher, look, he have swings.” Swings? “Yeah, swings!” What? “You know! (Flaps his arms wildly like a bird at his sides) Swings!!!”
<<I am grateful for: understanding parents of 1st graders….”Turn Right” by the Jonas Brothers….that Chad’s not here to scold me for all the shoes sitting by my door!….my awesome new phone….Scooters Carmelicious Smoothies>>
Music is in the soul, so I must play on and on; it is a given. –Anonymous
<<I’m grateful for…my piano that really belongs to my Aunt Doris….Spin magazine….MckMama….freedom to do what I want with my time, play my piano, watch ridiculous amounts of YouTubed live music, go to plays and concerts whenever I please, play ultimate frisbee, eat chips and salsa and call it dinner, etc. (It might not always be this way! In fact, I hope it’s not, but I need to enjoy these things while they’re here)….that Ellen Pompeo is 39 and is having her first baby! Call me crazy, but it makes me feel like there’s no need to be in a hurry about these things!>>
Some ideas that have affected me recently, via other people or experiences or for no reason at all, that I need to remember:
From Aunt Betty:
-There are lots of ways to pay the bills.
-If you don’t like your situation, change something. You can’t keep doing the same thing expecting different results.
From Megan:
-If you are absolutely supposed to get married and have children, but it’s not until 15 years from now, would you want to be a teacher for those 15 years?
From Sarah:
-It’s not about you. It’s about God’s will for your life. If you are pursuing what God doesn’t want you to do, it won’t work out. If you aren’t pursuing what God does want, He will make it happen somehow anyway.
-So what if I am the only person that is supportive of your choices?
-What makes you think that this is the beginning of the journey?
-I think you do have a defined idea of what you want. I think the undefined part is how to get from here to there.
From Miranda:
-No, it doesn’t sound crazy, because you are so passionate about it.
From Christine:
-Life is too short, and you are too wonderful, to not pursue something that you love.
From the Jonas Brothers
-Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream?
-Live like you’re at the bottom, even when you’re at the top.
From a sermon at Sarah’s church:
-Let Jesus make you a fisher of men.
-Follow Christ regardless of your past.
From a prayer at my church:
-May you find true happiness in God’s will.
<<I am grateful for: AC, JS, BM, AE, GZ (five kids in my class)….cool fall temperatures….YouTube….downloadable sermons….passion>>
) I would totally be into adopting, but I don’t think I want to do anything medically to “encourage” pregnancy, even if that would be the only way I would ever get pregnant.
