Just Her October 31, 2008

Just Her

Originally uploaded by Janelle Bradshaw

This is a two-purpose post. One, did I figure out how to blog photos from flickr.com? Yes? Can you see it?

Two, look, LOOK at that beautiful bedding! I just love how it’s many colors together, and nothing looks “matchy-matchy,” but it’s beautiful! This was my vision when I started all the painting of the walls in my apartment. I had to undo the yellow wall because it was just too much, but after seeing this picture, I think I had the right idea, just on too large of a scale. If I want lots of colors in my apartment, I need to do it in little ways, like pillows and blankets and towels, not on the entire wall.

If this works, if I’ve figured out how to do this, there will be many posts about many pictures I have found on flickr! And also, I need to get my own camera so that I can share my photos so easily as well. Although I will never be as good as trained, professional photographers like Janelle, here! (By the way, are you so distracted by the bedding that you didn’t notice the baby? There’s Janelle’s newest addition in the middle of the bed!)

Pie and a Movie October 31, 2008

Tonight, I went with a friend to see the movie Step Brothers, with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.  It’s a hillarious concept!  Two 40-year-old men each live with a parent, and the parents get married.  These men act like 12-year-old boys, and it’s just great!  “Can we bunk our beds?  Please?  Can we?  It will give us so much more space to do activities!  Can we, please?”  Coming out of the mouths of grown men!  I wonder if that’s what my parents feel like when we’re all staying with them…

One caution about the movie, it is rated R for a reason.  Choose wisely.

Before going to a movie, I often stop somewhere else to get a snack and a drink.  Against the rules, sure, but I just can’t bear to pay $12 for $3 worth of food and beverages!  Tonight I brought the weirdest movie snack ever.  I was at the grocery store, looking for a bottle of juice or iced tea, and I walked past the bakery section.  They had these little individual-size lemon tarts that looked so good!  So I could have had candy or chips or popcorn, but I go to the movies with pie! 

Failing Math October 29, 2008

Parent-teacher conferences begin tomorrow for me…  And at this moment, parent-teacher conferences are just about the last thing I want to do.

I would like to think I’m not big on complaining.  I hope not.  Today isn’t going to help that hope much… 

I am on the “leadership team” at my school.  Basically, it is a representative group of teachers who meet weekly with the principal and discuss matters of academics, behavior, policy, whatever needs discussed.  We also bring information from the principal to the rest of our teaching teams, or clarify information for them if people are confused.  This morning, one issue at hand was math.  Just math, in general.  The 5th and 6th graders can’t multiply, the 3rd and 4th graders can’t add, etc.  Basically, nobody can do the things that were supposed to have been learned in previous grades.  A 5th grade teacher said she has two students in her class performing at a 5th grade level.  TWO!  As a little experiment, she taught a 3rd grade math lesson one day, and the class in general didn’t even do a satisfactory job with that!

The thing is, we have plenty of problems.  We have plenty of data.  We have plenty of evidence about what our kids aren’t doing.  We need more of two things:  MOTIVATION and SOLUTIONS!!! 

MOTIVATION…for the teachers.  I don’t know how apathy is such a popular attitude.  I don’t know why anyone would hire teachers who are so apathetic.  With the exception of most of the leadership team and a few of the other teachers, apathy runs rampant in our school.  The party line seems to be, “I put forth the very least amount of effort required to make it look like I’m doing my job.  I want to know exactly what time I should be here, exactly when I can leave, and exactly what paperwork I need to have filled out on exactly what date.  Beyond that, you cannot fire me for anything I don’t do.”

Of course, I am one of the more motivated, more ambitious, more over-acheiving people.  I don’t know why.  I’m not sucking up to the principal or anything.  I don’t do it to make myself look good, I do it because it would be boring to only do exactly the bare minimum.  I do not spend a lot of extra time at work, nor do I bring much work home.  My happiest routine is to be out of the house by 7:00 a.m., which means I get to work around 7:30, and I love to leave at 4:00 p.m.  (How many people get to leave work for the day in the middle of the afternoon???  I’m going to enjoy that particular perk!)  So I only spend 8 1/2 hours at work each day, generally.  AND of course, I only work about 9 1/2 months of the year!  BUT, for those hours when I am at work, I tend to be quite motivated.  The hours are so much more fast and fun and interesting when I am working hard.

SOLUTIONS…for the teaching.  I don’t know how to get kids to learn how to multiply!  I know how to get kids to learn to pattern, and count, and sort, and seriate (put things in order from little to big or vice versa), and identify numerals, and write numerals, and compare quantities (which one has more).  And out of my 12 or 13 kids each year, about half go to kindergarten.  So of the entire kindergarten class, I can be sure that about 6 of them are ready for what comes next.  That’s not much of an impact.  But, that is my job.  It is my job to be an “expert,” so to speak, in preschool curriculum and instruction.  And for some reason, I seem to have many useful tools up my sleeve, and I have wonderful teammates who also share many useful tools.  So I think we need the other grades to do that, as well.  The 3rd grade teachers should be “experts” in teaching the 3rd grade math curriculum, and so forth.  And if we are lacking the tools we need, then we need to find them elsewhere.  (I have tools for math, but I lack tools for writing!  I soak up all the advice I can get about teaching preschool-level writing.  You can probably read more about this topic as the year progresses, as my personal professional development goal this year is to apply our writing staff development learning to preschool curriculum.  …Okay, did I just say a bunch of words that make no sense to you all???)  Our staff development focuses so much on reading and writing that math has been left by the wayside.  We need to better learn how to teach math.

I just can’t get excited about parent-teacher conferences after going through the day feeling like our school is failing.

If we are failing, then teach us how to do better!

What a shock… October 28, 2008

OH MY…

I am reading an article that explains that some routine vaccinations are made from tissue from aborted fetuses.  Let me say that a different way…  In 1964, an aborted child’s body was used to create the Rubella vaccine that is still being used today!  Other vaccines made from aborted babies’ tissue include polio, measles, mumps, rabies, hepatitis-A, and chicken pox.  Here is the article.

In the United States, there are non-human tissue alternatives for measles, mumps, rabies, and polio.  In the United Kingdom, there is also an alternative for rubella.

Yes, this is just one article.  And yes, I fully expect my positions and opinions to shift a little when I actually have children.  But right now, that just seems wrong.  In these vaccines are viruses grown from aborted fetal tissue…I just don’t think I can do that.  I predict some argument here.  Those babies were already aborted, me getting a vaccine or giving a vaccine to my child does not kill another baby, etc.  That still doesn’t make it right, in my mind.  I just can’t stomach it.

I am not against immunization in general.  I’ve been vaccinated against measles, mumps, rubella, polio, tetanus, menangitis…is it possible I’ve been vaccinated against whooping cough?  And I’m glad I have not had those diseases, although with or without the vaccines I don’t see my life putting me at much risk for any of them.  I do not get the flu shot, we’ve already been through this.  I can’t see the point of the chicken pox vaccine for most children, as it’s just chicken pox.  Also, my entire preschool class was immunized against chicken pox in the fall of 2006, and seven or eight of the thirteen students had chicken pox that year.  I believe the argument is that you get a milder case if you are vaccinated, but if it goes around, it goes around.  Also, I heard that if I have had the chicken pox, when I have a baby, I will pass on a temporary immunity.  In other words, my child won’t be able to contract chicken pox in the first year or so of life.  If I had been immunized against chicken pox, my child would be able to contract chicken pox at the moment of birth.  There are advantages to being sick and getting well.

My most serious and permanent opinion is this…  Educated yourself, and make the choice that is right for your family.  When I have a family, I will do the same.  I will also say something else that most parents don’t seem to know:  You are NOT legally required to have your child vaccinated!  You are NOT legally required to have certain shots by certain ages!  The school does not require your children to have certain shots.  Think about it…we ask for your shot record.  That’s all!  We don’t ask for anything in particular to be on it!  The nurse might go through and let you know if it is time for another shot, but she is telling you what is next on the schedule.  The schedule is not required!  It is my impression, actually, that the point of the schedule is to see that a baby does not get a vaccine until the body is developed enough to handle the vaccine.  Not like, if you don’t have your 18-month shots until you are 24 months, you will be suddenly hugely at risk for the disease.

A widespread panic about vaccines is not best, either.  Here’s an idea.  Don’t say no to a shot until you are informed.  Don’t say yes to a shot until you are informed.  Getting a vaccine probably won’t hurt you.  Saying no to a vaccine probably won’t hurt you.  But because of what falls outside of probably, become informed and make a wise choice.

My Favorite Things October 27, 2008

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…

No, no, no!  Let me tell you what my favorite things are today.  Two words.

HEATED.  SEATS.

Soooo nice!  You do not know what you are missing if you haven’t experienced this particular element of car technology.  I hope the person who invented heated seats is very rich!

And it’s only October…  Imagine how appreciative I will be in January!

Weddings… October 26, 2008

I was so very tired last night when I posted, but I wanted to write that quote from Corinthians before I forgot about it.  It’s funny, the way God works.  I’ll be sitting in church and barely paying attention, and suddenly I’ll hear something that the priest or whoever is talking says.  Or I’ll pay attention to a certain phrase in a song we’re singing.  It’s kind of like reading and coming upon a highlighted passage.  I can’t explain it, it just happens.  Yesterday at the wedding, it was, “Love bears all things.”  And it applies to romantic love, certainly, but also love for God, family love, friendship, anything.  All by itself, I suppose “Love bears all things” sounds quite depressing and miserable, but that’s not how I heard it yesterday.  It doesn’t say, “you must bear all things,” or, “If you love you will bear all things.”  It says, “Love bears all things.”  Think about that for awhile.

No, I do not hate weddings.  I dread them sometimes, and they are difficult sometimes, but I love weddings.  When I get married, (oh yeah, if I get married!…see, I’m optimistic and hopeful once again!), I do want a big white dress that makes me feel like a princess, and I do want a church full of all the people I care about, and I do want my Daddy to give me away.

I am such a girl. 

I still hate the snowball dance.  And I still hate the tradition of pointing out all the single girls by throwing the bouquet.  And, I still like the idea of having a very casual, fun, potluck reception, but I don’t think my Mom will let me do that when the time comes!    (And I’m mostly kidding, because of course if people come to my party I want to feed them dinner!  But it just seems like it would be such a good way to get conversations going, you know, who brought this wonderful dish, give me the recipe, etc.  But maybe not for such a big affair as a wedding.)

And I still have a couple of surprises up my sleeve that only Sarah knows about, because one, I reserve the right to change my mind, and two, a lot of the entertainment of going to a wedding is seeing the ways that it is different from what you expect, so I’m not going to give away all my ideas, and three, of course when the time comes my ideas will be combined and compromised with the groom’s ideas, whoever he is.  So if it’s really important to him, we’ll have a stupid snowball dance and I’ll throw my stupid bouquet. 

And that is the worst part about weddings…they make me think about what I want for my wedding, if I have a wedding, and I need to not be thinking about it until it’s a reality!!!

Love… October 26, 2008

It wasn’t so bad.  It was quite enjoyable, actually.

(That’s not them, of course, just a Google Images find, but isn’t it lovely?)

Many wedding couples choose the passage from Corinthians 13 as a reading at their wedding.  It actually has become almost token and meaningless in my ears.  “Loveispaientloveiskind…”  Imagine me reciting quickly, in a boring voice, and perhaps while rolling my eyes.  Not that it isn’t a wonderful passage, it’s a perfect passage for a wedding.  You just always hear it, you expect it, you don’t listen.

I listened today.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Corinthians 13:7

Despise and Dread October 23, 2008

A disclaimer before I start…  If you wish to be uplifted or inspired, this is one of the many times when it would be in your best interest to go read something else.  I am feeling stress about one thing, and I’m not going to share it with you on my blog.  But for me, stress doesn’t stay within the boundaries of one issue, it bleeds into the rest of my life as well.  So instead, I’m going to act out by sharing something that is mostly true, all true, but is more about how I feel today than about the issue I’m going to talk about.  Make sense?  Good, let’s begin…

I hate weddings.  Hate them.  Despise them.  Dread them.  I’m on the verge of becoming one of those lonely single women who just doesn’t go to them anymore, as pathetic as that sounds.  Which is ironic, because I love romance, and the idea of marriage, and all that good stuff.  But here’s the deal…To have to actually show up and watch it happen in real life, is like torture.  It’s like rubbing salt in the wound of the thing I want most but can’t have, apparently.  It’s like if you told me I couldn’t eat anymore, but I had to go sit at the table and watch everyone else eat.  And I’m starving!

I know it’s bitter and selfish.  I’m happy for you, if you get to eat.  I just don’t know how many more times I can sit at the table and watch you do it.  Does that make sense?

The only times I’ve had a great time at a wedding have been when I had some sort of romance going on in my own life.  Even then, there is going to be a moment where I just need to go to the bathroom, be by myself, breathe, and gather what feels like super-human strength.

This may be the root of why I always have these crazy ideas about what I’m going to do when I get married.  I just can’t bear the thought of inflicting that on someone else.  Do I want my Daddy to walk me down a church aisle, to the sound of some beautiful majestic music?  Yes.  Do I want everyone to ding their glasses to tell my new husband to kiss me in front of everyone?  Of course!  Do I want to pick a song that, for the rest of our lives, will be our first dance as husband and wife?  Absolutely.  But sometimes I think that the only people that enjoy all that are the bride and groom, so what’s the point of inviting a couple hundred people to watch???

I have to sing at a wedding this weekend with my church choir.  I don’t know the couple at all, the mother of the groom is the choir director.  So all I can hope is that it’s more “party with the choir” than focus on the bride and groom.

How many more times will I be expected to do this?

At my friends’ wedding, they pulled me into a silly slow dance between them, me, and two of our other friends who had been married a month before.  It was the five of us, and it was sweet and fun, and so very like the four of them to take care of me so sweetly.  But the biggest thought in my head was, what is it about me that is so much more awful than these other two girls that nobody wants to do this with me?  I am so awful that the most permanent relationships in my life are with people whose most permanent relationships are with someone else?  Where does that leave me?  Alone.

I have a bad habit of feeling “not good enough.”  It’s not very attractive, I know.

I read through what I’ve written, and I don’t even know how to say exactly what I mean.  I hate weddings, but I love weddings.  I’m not good enough, but I deserve better. 

The only truth I have today is this:  I need to yell, and you are in the path.  Go read something else.

Peaceful Night October 22, 2008

How do you feel about your home when the lights are off?

Strange question, right?  This thought first occurred to me many months ago, when my grandparents, aunt, and cousin were visiting me.  I slept on the living room floor, and as I was laying there, ready to fall asleep, I looked around in the dark, and I had a fresh appreciation for the living space I had created for myself.

I suppose it depends what is important to you, what makes your living space feel peaceful to you.  One of the keys for me is windows.  If I could live in a place that had windows on all four sides, one over the kitchen sink, and one in the bathroom, would be ideal.  Here, I have the usual two, one in the bedroom and the door to the balcony in the living room.  But in the city, the windows let in the city lights at night and it casts a soft light around.

You notice the things that you love about your home when the lights are off.  I notice the red wall in the living room, the view overlooking Omaha out the windows, the candle on the coffee table, the plushy softness of the couch and the bed, the clean countertops in the kitchen.  And just, the feeling of it being my creation, designed to take care of me.

Deeper October 20, 2008

Sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere anymore, church wise.  You know the story, raised Catholic, went to other churches for awhile, now belong to a Catholic church.  Well, Catholicism is who I am, but it’s complicated.  The other churches I went to make it so simple.  They keep the most important thing most important.  Christianity is more important than Catholicism.  God wants me to have a relationship with Him, He wants to save me from my sinfulness, He wants me to come to heaven with Him, much more than he wants me to “be” Catholic or go to church or follow the rules and traditions of a particular faith tradition.

But…Am I the only person on the planet who thinks those two elements can go very nicely together???

I don’t belong in an Evangelical church because traditions and sacraments are important to me.  But I don’t belong in a Catholic church because I believe Jesus saved me from my deserved punishment by dying on the cross.  And again, it’s complicated on the Catholic side.  I do not think I earn my way to heaven by following the rules or going to church on Sundays.  I think Jesus did that for me, by taking my place.  But even though the catechism says exactly that, many Catholic people do not agree!  They go to church because it’s the rule, they don’t think it’s important to pursue a deeper relationship with God, they focus so much more on the institution of the Church than on the God who gave it to us.

That’s a very judgemental statement, and it reflects what I feel much more than it reflects reality.

This is my truth.  I am saved neither by faith nor works.  I am saved by Jesus.  And I am saved.  Yesterday, today, tomorrow.  Time and time again I am saved by Jesus’ death on the cross.  I can only wish that I would wake up tomorrow sinless, without need for Jesus’ sacrafice, without need to ask God’s forgiveness for something I’ve done.  But I am human, and I was born into a fallen world, so I know that I will continue to sin, even as I grow in faith and sanctification.  Sin is sin, and heaven is perfect.  And the only way I can get there is through Jesus.  “I am the way, the truth, and the life, and anyone who believes in me shall have eternal life.”

Catholicism is more difficult for me now, because I know Jesus.  But Catholicism is more important to me now, because I know Jesus.  That image you see above these words gives me the very same feeling as the first moment I felt Jesus’ grace in my life.  Receiving Holy Communion each Sunday gives me the very same feeling as receiving Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.  Because it is the same!

Read it again.

“I am the way, the truth, and the life, and anyone who believes in me shall have eternal life.”

Then I crashed into you, and I went up in flames.  Could have been the death of me, but then you breathe your breath in me.  You will consume me, but I can’t walk away.  You saved me, you gave me just what I need.  –”Crashed” by Daughtry

I lay there in the dark, open my eyes.  You saved me the day you came alive.  –”Come Alive” by Foo Fighters

Keep me away, and then I will be fine.  Keep me away from running to the line.  Because I don’t want to lose your way, with these devil archerists.  –”Devil Archerists” by Bethany Joy Galeotti