Preparing August 31, 2008

I think it’s going to be like student teaching.  What you learn in the college classrooms during four years are about 10% of what you learn during your student teaching semester.  And what you learn in your student teaching semester is about 10% of what you learn your first year of teaching.  You learn by doing, and trying, and failing, and doing again.

What is going to be like student teaching, you ask?  Marriage.  With the added element of being a sacred covenant, involving one other person, and a committment that is 24 hours a day for the rest of my life.  And let’s assume that every sentence in this post is followed by “IF MARRIAGE IS GOD’S WILL FOR MY LIFE.”  I am hoping that it is, but whether it is or isn’t is God’s business.

So, why am I on this topic?  Well, I am currently reading Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, by Sharon Jaynes.  I found it at Half Price Books (a very dangerous store to let me enter), and what caught my attention was that the author surveyed and interviewed actual men to find out what she could tell women in her book.

She starts off by saying, so let me start off by saying, that men are as different and unique as their fingerprints.  And let me add, so are women!  You can’t read a book to find out all the answers about a particular man or a particular woman.  You have to go ask them!  It would be like reading a book about three-year-olds.  Your three-year-old is not going to follow every stage and behavior in the book about three-year-olds.  And also, if you don’t have a three-year-old, or teach a classroom of three-year-olds, you’re not going to truly understand everything in the book.  (Sorry, little kids are what I know.  Change the metaphor to work for something in your career or daily life.)

Which brings me to my point.  A three-year-old must be experienced, not read about!  So must teaching.  So must marriage.  I’ve read a few books on marriage and being a godly woman and a godly wife, because I’m preparing for the hoped for possibility.  And I think that’s a good thing to do.  But I have a feeling that when I get married, I should put those books on a far-away shelf and experience it.  In my first argument from my husband, am I going to whip out Feminine Appeal and tell my husband, “Carolyn Mahaney says if I do this, you will do that!”  Of course not.

I have two main points to make about the subject today.  Point number one, the only person I can change is myself.  I first learned this from a classroom management textbook, and it applies to every area of life that involves other people, be it friendship, the workplace, or the marriage relationship.  The only person I can change is myself!  Reading books about a human relationship won’t magically change the other person into the perfect friend/boss/coworker/student/husband.  I suppose husband and wife could intentionally read the same book, and conciously apply the concepts found therein.  But in my opinion, the reason I read books about human relationships is to become a better friend/employee/coworker/teacher/wife.  (If that is God’s will for my life.  Don’t forget that phrase!  Haha.  I’m not assuming anything, I’m just preparing.)  The only person I can change is me.  I can’t emphasize that enough.

Point number two, your husband is more important than your children.  I have read about this concept in a few how-to-be-a-godly-woman books, but it’s new to me over the last few years.  I hope I continue to be reminded of it for the rest of my life, especially while I have young children.  (If-that-is-God’s-will-for-my-life.  It’s starting to sound like one word!)  Your husband is more important than your children!  Do you hear me???  Your husband is always more important than your children!

First, think of your husband.  How do you think it feels if he is last on your list, behind things like diapers and baths and picking up toys and helping with homework?  He asked you to marry him, he is your partner, he is the leader of your home.  He gave you those children, for crying out loud.  (Even if those children are adopted…Don’t think I’ve forgotten about a good portion of my family in this topic!  If you are married, and have either bore or adopted children with your husband, wasn’t he an important part of the process either way?)  He gets to be first.  He deserves to be first.

Second, think of your children.  The absolute greatest gift you can give them is the solid ground of parents who put each other first.  The children don’t need to be first.  Yes, they will probably cry when you leave them with a babysitter to go out with your husband, and so forth, but that’s the behavior of a child.  That’s what they are supposed to do!  They don’t need you to give in to their childhood behavior.  They need you to show them what a solid family they have.  They need you to show them how to be a good husband or wife.  They need to know that they are not the reason you are with your husband, and when they grow up and move away, everything will still be fine.

Finally, think of yourself!  One day, and that day comes very quickly, I hear, your children will move away.  You will be left with no one but your husband for company in your house.  Don’t you want that season of your life to be as happy as it can be?  Don’t you want to end up living in a house with someone who is still important to you, who is still your best friend?  Twenty or more years of putting other people ahead of your marriage will kill that possibility real quickly, don’t you think?

My emphatic disclaimer:  I am not married!!!  I am the last person you should ask for marriage advice.  This post is me, paraphrasing some things I’m learning, and trying to stick them in my mind for that day when I can try applying them to real life.  (IfthatisGod’swillformylife.  Yep, one word.)  So, when it sounds like I’m yelling or lecturing, I’m yelling and lecturing my future self! 

I end this post with a story my Grandma told me.  My grandparents were traveling, not too long ago, and they decided to stop at a quilting supply shop.  My Grandma told me that my Grandpa was more excited than her!  (In case it’s not assumed, my Grandpa definitely does not quilt!  But my Grandma loves to quilt.)  But he was picking out material, showing Grandma neat things he found, and loading up the cart with things he thought she needed.  Grandma said there were several nice things that she really didn’t need, but she couldn’t talk him out of it!  I have known my grandparents for 26 years of their 53 year marriage.  And I know that the only people that can truly know a relationship are the two people who are in it.  So I can’t be certain if my grandparents put their marriage ahead of their children, and I can’t be certain if they are still best friends.  Only they know that.  But I do know, with certainty, that this story reflects a relationship I hope to have with my husband (ifthatisGod’swillformylife) after many years of marriage, with each spouse not only willing, but excited to share the other spouse’s passions.

… August 31, 2008

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

–Elvis Costello

Acceptance August 30, 2008

So, one of the many important tasks I’m doing this evening is catching up on my Sunday papers.  I’m reading little bits of them while I watch t.v. and do laundry, and then I’m going to toss them out.  I have exactly four Sunday papers sitting on my coffee table.  FOUR!  That’s a MONTH worth of papers!

And, okay, I’m not reading them cover to cover.  Do you KNOW how much READING that would be for one evening???  I’m reading some of the comics, and doing the sudoku and numbrix puzzles. 

ANYWAY, I read this Zits comic from August 17th.  I remember being that girl!  What do I like about her look?  How can I be like that?  What kind of jeans/shoes/tan/ass/boobs do I need to be her?  What can I find about her that I don’t like?

If the guys are really like that image on the right, I want to talk to the guys! 

I hope we have moved beyond all the judging and comparing, but truthfully, I don’t know if we have.  One thing that guys may not understand about this particular ugly truth about girls…  We judge and compare because we are really judging ourselves.  If we can’t accept ourselves as we are, then an immature but effective way to feel better is to feel superior to someone else.  Or at least, find the hope that we can change and become like someone else.

The real answer is to stop judging, period!  The real solution is to accept ourselves, as we are.  It is possible to accept yourself as you are, even though you are trying to change.  It’s tricky, but it’s possible.  I haven’t completely figured it out.  But we can adore and appreciate our bodies, for example, even as we are working to be healthier.  Adore your body….you live in it!  It is part of you.  It is what your husband or boyfriend loves to look at and touch.  It is what grew your children for the beginning of their lives.  It is what hikes mountains, swims through water, runs trails, sews quilts, rolls pie crust, plays piano, whatever your joy is.  It is what God has gifted to you so that you can have all these blessings. 

It is impossible to judge someone else from that perspective!

Helping. August 27, 2008

I adore the Duggars!!! 

In case you haven’t heard of them, they currently are expecting their 18th child.  They have done a few television documentaries for TLC and Discovery Health.  I happened to flip past a recent documentary, “On the Road With 16 Children,” where they document a vacation.

I had to crack up.  Little James Duggar, who was probably 3 or 4 during this vacation, used the windsheild washer squeegy at the gas station to reach as high as he could and wash the bottom three inches of the motor home windsheild.  Joyfully.  The cutest darn thing you’ve ever seen. 

How do you spend your time? August 27, 2008

The only thing that has any currency, the only thing that’s worth anything in the world is your time.

–Rob Thomas

There’s a reason the expression is “spend your time.”  Time is valuable.  The time you spend here, you don’t have anymore to spend there.  How do you spend your time?  Do you spend it on that which is important to you?

My sister Sarah and I were having a conversation tonight, discussing contentment.  One thing we talked about was that we often try to fix discontent with stuff to fill time.  “Activities.”  “Interests.”  “Hobbies.”  But then what you end up with is many obligations that you don’t really care about, and no time to do the essentials like laundry and grocery shopping.  This lack of time for that which you can’t do without leads to stress, which of course, breeds discontent.

In my personal experience, one example is cooking food.  I enjoy cooking, very much.  But on a busy day, I go to work and have an obligation or two in the evening, cooking for myself becomes an obligation, a chore, a dreaded task.  The reason?  I feel that when I go grocery shopping, I must have on my list the ingredients to at least one brand new recipe.  I also feel that since I know how to cook and I like to cook, everything should be made from scratch.  It saves money, and it’s healthier, and I know how to do it.  But those methods, cooking from scratch, cooking things I’ve never made before, take more time.  On a typical weeknight, time is at a premium.  So I need to decide, what is important to me?  If I make something familiar, easy, and that I already know I like, it breeds peace.  On a lazy Saturday, or on the random night when I do have time and interest to do so, I can always take a special trip to the store for any missing ingredients to a new recipe.  But on the routine shopping trips, it is better for my situation to stock up on food that doesn’t cut so much into my time “currency.”

Another example for my life is scrapbooking.  I like having the scrapbooks, the organized and stored memories.  But I don’t particularly enjoy doing it so much that it makes it worth the time investment.  So I’ve found that posting my pictures on my blog is a much better time investment for me.  It doesn’t take long, it doesn’t take cutting and gluing, I can easily add my own little descriptions of what happened and what I want to remember, and I can look at it whenever I want.  For my time, for what’s important to me, that’s best.

On the other hand, what is something that is very important to me?  Honestly, it depends on the day.  You know that.  We are never the same today as we were yesterday.  But usually, playing my piano is at the top of my list.  Why?  I don’t know.  Do I need a reason?  It’s important to me.  That’s all I really need to say. 

The other thing that is worth my time is exercise.  I get in bad habits of not working out, but the benefits are so worth taking the time.  I sleep better, I actually need less sleep, I feel better, I don’t really get sick when I’ve been working out regularly, I eat better.  I feel better.  That’s really the payoff.

So, what’s important to you?  What is worth spending your very valuable time?  Only you can figure that out.

Looking Into Someone Else’s Catharsis August 25, 2008

I don’t know what to write tonight.  Sometimes I get this urge to blog, but I don’t have an impulse to blog about anything in particular.  It’s just this need to purge, to experience a catharsis of some kind.  Truthfully, blogging is not the catharsis I’m craving.  Playing my piano comes really close to what I need in those moments.  I wish I could write music.  I am convinced it’s something you’re born with, and I’m not.  I can play my piano.  I can listen to a song over and over and figure out how to play it, without seeing written music or anything.  That’s my “born with” skill.  Nobody ever taught me, nobody even gave me the idea.  I just started doing it when I was little.  Actually, it generally turns into my own arrangement of the song I’m learning.  I certainly can figure out the song, chord for chord, note for note, but it’s just more interesting and creative to put my own little touches in there. 

But I’m fascinated by those who can write music.  You can have this thing in you, and just let it pour out.  I’m fascinated with the process, how people put lyrics and melody and harmony and rhythm together.  Rob Thomas says, “I like the trip from having a song in my head, and walking around the streets with it in my head, to hearing it on a record.”  I walk around the streets all day with other people’s songs in my head, and there’s nothing new or creative in there! 

More of Rob Thomas on writing:

You have to write it thinking no one’s ever going to hear it.  Sometimes you sit down, and it just pours out of you like it’s already been written, and you’re just singing it.  And sometimes it takes months and months to get it just the way you want it.

As a writer, it’s supposed to represent the best and the worst of you at the same time.  I think if you use it in the right way, you can take all your depressing stuff and get it out of you, and put it down, and have a place for it.  And then you can be happy most of the time, and you can go on with the rest of your life.

That’s what I’ve been blogging for all these years, I think.  And that’s why I’m constantly finding myself uncomfortable with the fact that people I know read my blog.  Especially people I don’t get to see very often.  You don’t get the typical me when you read this.  You get the best and the worst.  You get the ends of the spectrum that I just have to get out!  I write about everything I’m stressed about, everything I’m thinking about, everything I need to say.  And lots of times, I’m very very vague, or I talk around the issue, because I am so aware that most of the people who read this know me.  When Rob Thomas writes a song, he first assumes no one is ever going to hear it.  That’s how you get to that good place where you’re really telling the truth.  Now, when Rob Thomas writes a song, there’s a good chance people will hear it, and I wonder if he feels uncomfortable when the song gets to that point.  Like I feel uncomfortable when I write something really true, and cathartic. and brutally honest, and then people read it.  In this same interview, Rob Thomas mentioned that a songwriter has to marry someone really great, because if he has an argument with his wife, she might have to hear it on his next album for the rest of his music career! 

What Rob Thomas does is art.  (Isn’t it funny that famous people are always spoken of by both names?  Not Rob, not Mr. Thomas.  Rob Thomas.  That’s the only way to talk about him.)  This blog is not art.  It’s venting.

So instead, I leave you with the lyrics to a song that I am obsessed with today.  This is “Show Me How It Feels” by Hodges, who interestingly, only goes by one name…  

One million times, one million more.  Can’t stop the fire.  You’re what I’m burning for.  I am your criminal, guilty of a sinful stare. 

You’re what my body needs, can I sell your soul please.  Take me on that wild ride, somewhere down deep inside.  I’m ready to walk on water.  Be my savior and…

Take me away.  Show me how it feels to be alive.  Make me your slave.  Work me every day and every night.  Show me how it feels to be alive.

One million times giving my confession.  I’m on your list, a dangerous obsession.  I can see the light.  Come on, save me.

Take me away.  Show me how it feels to be alive.  Make me your slave.  Work me every day and every night.  Show me how it feels to be alive.

My hands know what to do.  No sense in thinking it through.  I feel your skin giving in.  Don’t let the moment end.  We’ll let our worlds collide.  It’s you and me tonight.

One million times.  One million more.  Can’t stop the fire.  You’re what I’m burning for.  Let me see the light.  Come on and save me.

Take me away.  Show me how it feels.  Make me your slave.  Work me every day and every night.  Take me away.  Show me how it feels to be alive.

Wow, after listening and typing out the lyrics, I realize that I get sucked in by the harmonies and the rhythm, and maybe a word or a phrase, without knowing what the song is about.  Actually, none of us can really know what the song is about, unless Hodges himself tells us.  I know what it’s about for me, today, as I listen to it, but I don’t know what it was about for Hodges when he wrote it, or what it will be about for me when I listen to it tomorrow.  Anyway, the phrases the pulled me in this song were “you’re what I’m burning for,” and “save me.”  Passionate phrases, sung passionately, in passionate harmonic settings.  You gotta go to www.myspace.com/hodges and listen to this one to get the full effect!!!

The Olympics are over, what am I supposed to do with my t.v. now? August 24, 2008

Best quote from Dharma & Greg, after they got married on the day they met:

Dharma: It’ll be a great story to tell our kids.

Greg:  Oh, good, you want to have kids!

Dharma:  Yeah, unless you want to have them!

An Adventure In Cooking August 20, 2008

Lately, I’ve had the “try new recipe” bug.  In my Rachel Ray magazine, I found a quick, simple little recipe for Coconut Curry Chicken.  Its novelty is that it has only five ingredients: chicken breast, rice, coconut milk, five spice powder, and curry powder.  (Olive oil, salt, and pepper don’t count, I think because they assume those three things are already in my kitchen.)  And so began the adventure.

Bring water and rice to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 20 minutes.  I chose to use whole-grain rice, which takes a bit longer, so I started the rice and then went to do laundry before beginning the rest.

Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in small saucepan over medium heat.  Add 2 teaspoons curry powder and cook for one minute.  Add one can coconut milk and cook until reduced by half, about 7 minutes.  Did you know coconut milk smells like a tanning salon?  It’s just not the smell of food.

Slice chicken breasts into strips, toss with 2 teaspoons five spice powder, and salt and pepper.  One of the five spices is licorice.  That’s my least favorite flavor.  It smells weird and gross.

Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil over medium high in a heavy skillet.  Increase heat to high, add chicken, and stir-fry until cooked through, about 6 minutes.  High is very hot.  Oil that splatters onto my hands from this pan is very hot.  This is very hot, splattery, licorice-smelling chicken.

Add coconut milk mixture to chicken.  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Now it smells good!  It smells like something Mike ate across the table from me at a Thai restaurant, that I ended up wishing I’d ordered.  Hopefully that’s what it tastes like. 

Serve over rice.  Mmm.  Very, very good.  Not very spicy.  How could I make it more spicy next time?  Very, very creamy.  Coconut milk is so fatty.  What can I do next time to make it lighter?  I will definitely be trying this adventure again!

My Path August 17, 2008

…and of course God who has blessed me with the path He has chosen for me…

–Vanessa Hudgens, the last thank-you of her liner notes on Identified

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I have been struggling off and on with discontentment with my career.  If you’ve been reading this blog, or if you know me, you probably also know that things are often not about what they seem to be about.

A prerequisite to this post:  For several years, I have been in a fairly consistent habit of getting up early, and spending time in God’s Word and prayer before my day starts.  This habit came from two sources of inspiration.  One, my Grandma does her own version of this, and she is my godmother and one of the women I respect and admire the most in my life.  Two, the influence of the Mahaney women.  I read Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney, and then I also started reading the blog that she writes with her three daughters, girltalk.  The four of them wrote a book together, Shopping for Time, which also gives much encouragement and advice for this practice.  In my life, the practice of spending time each day with God has been so valuable.  Making it happen in the morning has only increased its value, in both practical and spiritual ways.  Practically, I’m not rushed to wake up.  I know that if I get up, and take the dog out quickly, I can stay in my pajamas and curl up on the couch under a blanket with a big glass of ice water and my Bible.  (I know, weird, right?  I wake up every morning craving ice water!)  Then by the time I am done, I am awake and ready to get going.  Spiritually, it truly does nourish my soul.  No matter if I went to bed too late, sacraficing a half hour of sleep to let God work in my heart give me much more during the day than that sleep would have!  I am peaceful and joyful and ready for whatever the day brings.

How does this relate to my discontent?  I am only discontent with my career choice when I haven’t been spending time with God!  Over the summer, routine goes out the window, I don’t stay as consistent with my prayer time, and I miss out on that peace and joy.  During the school year, when I get in bad habits of staying up too late, despite the fact that the time with God would benefit me more than the sleep, I often choose sleep.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but when I write these dramatic, soul-searching blog posts about what I should have chosen, what I wish I had chosen, what I might choose to change…these are the times when I am neglecting my relationship with God.

Today, I am in a good place in my relationship with God.  I have been consistent all week with my morning prayer.  I went to church this morning, which is a super-nourishment for my soul.  I feel that peace and joy that lets me know God is with me.  I usually don’t blog about this issue unless I feel the opposite.  So let me tell you what my truth is today.

The truth is, this is the path God has chosen for me.  God sent me to college to major in music.  Then, He put the burden on my heart to change majors.  He had placed me right where I needed to be, one of the best teachers’ colleges in the country, to learn about early childhood education.  Finally, He sent me to Omaha where I would get a teaching job and settle into this life that I love.  And that’s just the beginning, because there is a lot ahead of me that I don’t know about yet.  But the point is, there’s not just one thing I could do to be happy.  There’s no right choice, no wrong choice, just a bunch of choices.  I wouldn’t be happy in any career path when I’m neglecting my relationship with God, because a job can’t make me happy.  “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it for the glory of God.”  It’s not important what I do.  The important thing is that I do it for God. 

For the most part, God doesn’t send us on straight and easy paths.  He puts twists and turns in our lives for our good and His glory.  So, I will follow the twists and turns He sets forth in my life, whether I switch grades, or change schools, or become a music teacher, or a stay-at-home mom, or wherever He sends me. 

Sidenote…I’m not sure I like that term, “stay-at-home mom.”  The women I know in that vocation definitely do not stay at home!  Especially the ones that are really good at it.  “Homemaker” doesn’t work for me, either, because all women are homemakers, whether you work or have children or even have a husband or not.  “Housewife?”  Does he also have a wife that is more fancy, for taking out of the house?  I think the English language needs a new word for those women who do not have jobs outside the home, and fully focus on raising children and/or supporting their husbands.  Even that sounds wrong, because most women who are wives and mothers do ”fully focus” on raising children and supporting their husbands, even while working a full-time job.  You see my point.  We need a new word for the “housewife.”  Any ideas?

Funny Preschool Stories August 16, 2008

If I’m going to write a book someday about all my funny teaching stories, I’d better keep track of them!  I noticed on Sarah’s facebook a quote that one of my preschool students from two years ago said, and I had forgotten all about it! 

“I don’t want to be a teacher.  I want to be a firefighter.  Being a teacher is hard work.  But a firefighter, no, all you need is some water.”

–Daniel, age 4