Open to Grace July 30, 2008

Letting go is an ongoing challenge for me.  It is uncomfortable to not be in control, or to not feel in control.  It is natural to want to put up walls, to live in a box where I can control exactly what will happen and always know what to expect.

And I know, I absolutely know, this is not the way to live!  One of my favorite quotes is from Finding Nemo:  “You can’t never let anything happen to him.  Then nothing would ever happen to him!  Not much fun for little Harpo.”  (Spoken by Dori, who can never remember Nemo’s name.)

Freedom is a wonderful concept.  Sometimes what we need freedom from is what we constructed ourselves.  We need the freedom to fall, and to fail.  Otherwise we can’t fly, and we will never truly succeed.

I’m finding that it seems natural for people to want to put God in a box.  But God isn’t confined to the Cathlolic box, or whatever box.  We put these boundaries up, and we expect that we are right, and anyone outside of our wall is wrong.  I think there is more to the story than we can possibly know.  I suspect it is more than we can understand.

I want to stay in my box because I have made it exactly the size that I can handle.  What is outside of my box is too huge, and too overwhelming, and I can’t control it.  I wish I didn’t want to.  This need for control makes trust hard.  I get caught up in an arrogant notion that I can only trust myself.  That’s selfish, and dangerous.  If unchecked, it moves closer and closer to shutting out the God of the universe, who is in control of everything, including my box. 

Dare I take any leaps at all?

Dare I stop counting calories and servings and food groups, and trust that my body knows what it needs?  Dare I trust that God knows what size and shape I am supposed to be?

Dare I move outside my carefully constructed box and share my life with a husband and children?  I won’t be able to control every bit of my home anymore.  I don’t know if I’ll be happily married in 50 years.  I don’t know if whoever I marry will change for the better or for the worse over the years.  I can’t predict if we will grow together or grow apart.  I can’t control if I will have healthy children, or sick children with many needs and challenges, or no children.

There are so many examples in our lives like this.  Last weekend I was making a comment to my aunt Betty that I have a constant goal to cut out sugar from my diet.  She replied, “Is this an all-or-nothing thing?”  I answered that it seems to be, but it never seems to work.  I will eat no sugar.  So I totally lose it and binge on cheesecake and brownies and ice cream!  And then I feel awful, physically and emotionally, so I go back to I will eat no sugar.  I have never succeeded in this, except when I was a little kid and it wasn’t my choice to make.  Perhaps if I just let go, surrendered to fate, opened to grace…  There are healthy foods and deserts living in perfect balance in the world.  I crave them, naturally, in perfect balance.  It is when I attempt control that the balance is ruined.  (I realize that I am lucky, and that there are many, many people who never crave broccoli or peaches or canned peas!  I apologize for my good luck, and I admit that I have no idea what it would feel like to be you!)  But for me, in my own experience and knowledge of myself, trusting the way that God created me, trusting my own instincts of balance…  That is the only strategy that is going to work.  I just know it.

…an ability to surrender to something bigger that is always there to support you.  This is called Opening to Grace.

–Desiree Rumbaugh in Yoga Journal, May 2008

Lay it down.  I’ve always been with you.  Here and now, give all that’s within you.

–”Downfall” by Matchbox Twenty

You, Lord, are all I have, and You give me all I need; my future is in Your hands.

–Psalm 16:5

Train July 28, 2008

I must have fallen in love with Train in the winter.  I was poking around Half Price Books today, and I found a Train album that I don’t have, their latest, For Me It’s You.  Of course I popped it in as soon as I got to the car, and while I ran my other errands, I let Pat Monahan’s voice work its way into my brain.  Even though most of the songs are new to me, their sound is so unique that if you hear it, you just know it’s Train.

I began to feel a sense of needing hat and mittens, shoes that will keep my feet dry in the snow, and something hot to drink.    It’s interesting how the memory works.  Even if I don’t remember an exact moment or event or day, if I hear a certain song it will take me right back there.  Or, like in the case of Train songs I’ve never heard before, just their sound takes me back to a certain season!

Sarah and I were discussing memorizing Bible verses.  Evangelical Christian children memorize Bible verses much in the same way that we Catholic children had to memorize prayers, beatitudes, corporal works of mercy, etc.  It occurred to me that I have memorized hundreds of Bible verses!  Every time I read a single page of my Bible, there is at least one song that pops into my head, because the lyrics are straight from Scripture.  Do I know the corporal works of mercy?  I do not.  Do I know the beatitudes?  Yes!  Why?  Rejoice and be glad./Blessed are you.  Holy are you./Rejoice and be glad./Yours is the kingdom of God.  And of course all five verses that go with it.  With harmony, now that I’m in the church choir.  My brain just traps information that way.  If only my fourth grade teacher would have known that when she was trying to help me memorize my multiplication and division facts! 

That explains why I can hear a song, or a band, and feel things that aren’t going on around me.  The last time I was listening to Train day and night, it must have been cold out.  Very interesting…  I wonder what I’ve been listening to this summer that will remind me of hot weather?  Probably the songs that the girls are obsessed with.  Burnin’ Up by the Jonas Brothers.  Sneakernight by Vanessa Hudgens.  Pocket Full of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield.  High School Musical 2 music.  And I suppose I’ve been listening to a lot of Matchbox Twenty this summer.  In the dead of winter, maybe I can listen to those to feel nice and warm again! 

A Borrowed Prayer July 28, 2008

Help me each moment today and always to communicate myself to You by doing Your will.  Let the doing of Your will each moment be a spiritual communion.  In it You will give me Yourself.  I will give You myself.

–Saint Katherine Drexel

Now Do This July 25, 2008

Yeah, yeah, two posts in one day, too much for you to read, blah, blah…  GUESS WHAT?  I found something SO cool!  I very occasionally bounce over to ZenHabits, and I always find something interesting to read.  Today, I found a link to an awesome and useful website called Now Do This.  It’s a free tool that anyone can use.  It gives you one thing to do at a time, and then when you’re done, you click the “done” button, and it gives you the next thing.  It has a few sample to-do items so you can see what it does, but you just go to “edit list” and put in your own tasks.  When you’ve completed all your tasks, it says “all done!”  It’s very simple, no ads, no graphics, just the current task in big letters, the small “done” button, and the “edit list” link.  It is a tool, there’s no other way to put it.  My current to-do list consists of a paper taped to the inside of my apartment door (a habit Becky and I started with post-it notes when we lived together, don’t know whose idea it was), and a steno notebook for work that is constantly lost or buried, or full of things that are not important or urgent distracting from those that are important and urgent.  I love Now Do This!  It’s simple, it makes you focus on the important, immediate things.  You can’t go on to the next until the current task is done, so you would only put tasks on the list that you need to…and are able to…complete today.  You would also have to mentally organize and prioritize before you make your list, so that doing the 2nd thing isn’t dependent upon having the 5th thing completed, you know?  I have got to remember this for next month when I go back to work!

Seasons July 25, 2008

I’m craving cold weather.  Yes, I’m just that crazy!  I’m craving that weather that usually comes sometime in October.  I want it to be cool enough to wear jeans and long sleeves outside, but not coats, and be comfortable.  It’s my favorite weather!  It usually comes at the same time as the really beautiful stage of the trees changing colors, and it usually seems to last for about a week, and then suddenly it’s freezing cold.

But, I’m going to enjoy the summer weather while it lasts.  I’m determined to fill up with sunshine and hot weather, because the day will come when I’m tired of snow, and I’ll be craving weather where I can be completely comfortable, 24 hours a day, in shorts, tanks, and flipflops.  I remember this past winter, in February, I was craving that weather, and I was to the point where I could barely imagine it anymore!  I was thinking about flipflops and swimsuits, and I would shiver just thinking about bare skin encountering outdoor air!  So I’m going to breath in all the bare-skin warm air I can, now!

I’m thinking I probably would go crazy in a climate that doesn’t have four seasons.  Living in a place that is always warm, or always cold, would be too much for me.  The changing of the seasons is like a life force inside me.  Warm air in the spring, and cold air in the fall, are both like a sugar rush to my system, without a crash.  They fill me up and energize me, they make me want to run and play and work really hard.  I can’t imagine not experiencing the shifting of the season each year!

Aren’t those quilts lovely?  As usual I searched google images to find something that fits my post, and I found that by searching “four seasons.”  It’s from a website called www.weston-quilters.org.uk, but the actual website wasn’t available, only the image.

Summer Silliness July 23, 2008

Okay, today my girlies finally reached a summer milestone!  (They’re not my girls, I just get to borrow them for 25 to 30 hours a week in the summer.)  Groovy is 14, Bookworm is 12, and Princess is 6.  No, their parents did not really give them those names!  I’ve renamed them to protect their privacy.  Why these names?  Well…Groovy and I have found some common ground this summer by dancing and listening to music.  Bookworm loves to read just as much as I did at the age of 12!  And Princess is obsessed with everything Disney, especially Cinderella.

The milestone was, they played, really played, for hours without adult interference!  These girls are typical kids of this day and age, scheduled to the max with camps and summer school, lessons, summer bridge workbooks, etc.  Not that any of those things are bad, but it’s really hard for these girls to solve their boredom on their own, because they never need to.  Last summer we never reached this point.  But today, sweethearts from next door came over to play, and got a whole plotline going with Groovy and Bookworm.  Princess, of course, wanted to be involved, so Bookworm roped her into…I mean, suggested…that Princess be the “intern.”  What does an intern do, Princess asks.  Well, says Bookworm, the intern has to do whatever we say, answer our phones, get us snacks, etc.  Haha.  How well I remember those days with my own brother and sisters!  Princess enthusiastically agrees, so I don’t interfere.

All five girls went down to the basement family room, and I stayed upstairs in the living room.  They were incredibly loud, active, and silly.  So I stayed upstairs to save my adult ears and to not stifle the groove they had going.  It’s so easy, as an adult, to want to go down there and settle an argument, or remind them about inside voices.  But letting them work things out on there own (keeping an ear for serious fights or dangerous or destructive ideas, of course) is so good for them!  They played without incident for 170 pages of a book, 1 sudoku puzzle, and a 20-minute power nap (through which I still heard all the silliness!) before I had to go have the girls clean up and finish their workbook pages before their dad got home.  That adds up to nearly the entire afternoon!

And that is how I spent nearly all of my summers at their age.  And those experiences were so valuable.  So I feel really good about what went on today!

Loves July 22, 2008

I discovered some new and old loves this past weekend.  First the old:

My college campus.  Sigh…  My aunt Betty and I are both alumni of the same university, and this weekend we took a walk around campus with my cousin Logan, her son.  We visited our old napping spots, studying spots, etc.  I miss it.  The campus.  All the walking.  The atmosphere.  That period in my life.  Not so much the studying!

The new loves:

School lunch heaven.  I kid you not.    A store with things you might find on school lunch menus.  Crispitos, pork rib sandwiches, chicken patties, vats of pickes, huge cans of vegetables…  Even the gross rectangular pizza!  Mostly I don’t think school lunches are worth my $3, but if I had a store like that in Omaha where I got to go and pick out the foods that I like, and put them with my own side dishes and beverages…I would spend way too much money at school lunch heaven!

Trail mix.  Betty sent me on my way with snacks, as always, and one of them was a bowl of trail mix.  It has peanuts, almonds, walnuts, cashews, raisins, dried cranberries, dried bananas, and m&ms.  I actually mixed two varieties together to get this particular mix.  Anyway, I’ve never really given trail mix a chance.  I’ve had many of those things individually, but there’s something about having a little variety in the bowl that makes it more delicious, and also feels more healthy than most other road snacks that I gravitate towards!    I’ve never had dried cranberries or banans before, though, and I was surprised with both.  I loved the cranberries!  I would put them in oatmeal, muffins, cold cereal…  But the bananas.  I expected to like them, and I found them to taste more like banana candy than bananas.  I don’t know why.  They were all right if I took one banana and a bunch of peanuts in one bite.  Sort of like peanut butter bananas.

And, Little Debbie Boston Creme Rolls.  Yummy.  For the most part I have broken my Little Debbie habit, and convinced myself that they don’t have a good enough taste or texture to make it worth the calories and chemicals.  But these Boston creme things are TOTALLY worth it!

The highlight of the weekend was the people, of course.  I got to see my beloved “other family,” Dean and Betty and Logan.  Having them close when I was in college was priceless, and I really miss living near them.  I also got to see my dear friend Becky, whose baby shower was the reason that the trip happened this weekend.  On a side note, she doesn’t know if she’s having a boy or a girl.  When I was shopping for her, I kept picking up girl things, so I guess I thought it was a girl.  But after seeing her, and thinking about it, I’m changing my official guess to boy.  I don’t know why.  I guess I think Blake needs a little boy.    Becky had a poll, and it’s too late to cast my vote, but I wanted to see her before I decided.  So, Becks, I’m officially casting a vote for BOY! 

Mad Money July 16, 2008

I bought this movie from the previously viewed dvds at Blockbuster a couple of days ago, and I’m currently watching it for the third time.  The best movie I’ve ever seen?  No.  In the top ten?  Probably.  It’s fun.  It’s joyful.  It’s light.  And it’s hillarious.  You need to see it.  You can borrow it from me. 

The Oceans 11 trilogy.  The Whole Nine Yards and sequel.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  And Mad Money.  Those are the hillarious crime movies that I can think of off the top of my head, and they’re all in my top 10.

My top 10 may have about 20 or 25 movies in it by now…

Thunder and Lightening July 15, 2008

Two posts in one night.  Let me tell you why.  I’m exhausted, but I can’t calm down and go to bed!  Why?  It’s thundering and lightening.  (Lightning?  Lightening-ing?  There are lightening bolts coming down from the sky.  You get my point.)  Why can’t I sleep through thunder and lightening?  I DON’T KNOW!  I used to be just fine with it.  I used to assume that thunder and lightening did not indicate severe weather, 90% of the time.  Omaha has had so many severe storms this summer that I’m on edge at the first sign of anything.

You have these rules that you learn in childhood.  Thunder–don’t worry about it.  Harmless.  Lightening–Stay inside, off the phone, and out of the bathtub.  Count between the lightening and thunder to find out how far away the storm is.  Hail–stay inside.  Run outside really fast to get one if you want to see what it looks and feels like.  Tornado watch–Watch t.v. or listen to the radio.  Make sure flashlight works.  Find shoes.  Tornado warning–Put on your shoes.  Take a flashlight and go in the basement.

What are your ingrained bad weather rules?

Shoes July 15, 2008

I’m not much of a shoe person.  Not like some women.  I like shoes, and I have plenty of them, mind you, but they’re not my obsession.  The shoes aren’t usually the most interesting part of my outfit.  Sometimes, but not usually.  I would like to have a shoe closet like this someday.  Not a whole huge room like this, but maybe shelves that nicely display my shoes so I can see all my choices.  This picture, by the way, is apparently Mariah Carey’s shoe closet.

But I have to admit, a girl never forgets it when a boy compliments her shoes!  In High School Musical 2, Troy manages to get away from the very obnoxious Sharpay by saying “I love your shoes.  I really do.”  And then sneaking away while she gushes about her shoes.  In The American President, the president’s daughter advises him to compliment his date’s shoes because “Girls like that.”  So true.  Maybe it’s because I don’t expect anything from my shoes.  I suppose I expect a basic, “You look nice today,” once in awhile.  Maybe the occasional, “Wow, that dress looks great on you.”  When my shoes are complimented, it’s so unexpected and charming.  You feel like he took the time to get past your face and your figure and look for details.  You never forget when a man compliments your shoes!