Happy New Year! December 31, 2007

New Year has never been one of my favorite holidays.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike it the way I have disliked Halloween in the past.  It’s fine, and it’s fun, and it’s a perfectly acceptable excuse to get together with friends, drink, stay up late, count down to midnight, etc.  But it’s just a party.  It’s just a digit changing on the date.  If that were so exciting, we’d count down every night.  “…3….2….1….Happy March 17th!” 

I’m also not into New Year’s resolutions.  It’s hard enough giving something up for 40 days at Lent!    A couple of years ago, my New Year’s resolution was to run a 5K, and I did that.  That’s the only memorable New Year’s resolution I have.  This year, I suppose I would like to continue with my habit of working out, eating healthy, and losing weight.  But I started three months ago.  I guess really I started years ago, if you think about it.    Calling it my New Year’s resolution sort of sets me up for failure, because I know from experience that putting too much pressure on myself, on this one goal, I don’t stick to it.  I’m going to keep doing what’s been working for three months.  It’s just a habit, something I do.  It’s no big deal.  It’s about as praise-worthy as giving the dog a bath, or something so mundane. 

Everything that I can think of that would be a New Year’s resolution is something that I’ve been working on already, one baby step at a time.  Making my apartment into a home I love.  Buying something because I love it, not because it’s on sale or because it fits.  Becoming more earth-conscious.  Opening myself up to new people and new situations. 

Ooh, I’ve got it!  In 2008, I am going to read and return all the books I have borrowed from people!!!    Perfect.  I have 10 borrowed books up on a shelf right now, and I have read about half of them.  If I return the ones I’m done with, and then try to read and return one a month, I’ll be done by summer.  Which is when I’ll probably borrow some more.    But I’ve had some of these books for a long time, so it’s time.  Not a great New Year’s resolution, or I guess not a typical resolution, but it’s perfect for me.

Settling In December 29, 2007

I love this apartment!  This is MY apartment.  This is my HOME!  This is the one I’ve been searching for!  I’ve lived here for exactly one week, and I already think I will feel so sad to leave this particular home behind someday.

In my imagination, that won’t happen for a long time.  I don’t have a timeline, of course, because it just sets me up for disappointment if it doesn’t come true.  Like when I was 10, I was sure that by the time I was 20 I would be married.  And by 26, I would be done having children!  (Because the 20s just seemed so mature and grown-up from the perspective of 10!)  So, okay, no timelines.  But possibilities…  So I’m 26.  Let’s say I get married sooner rather than later.  In my imagination, my husband should move into this apartment.  We can live here until we have a baby and the baby is old enough to need his or her own room, or we’re ready for baby #2, or whatever.  I would love to have a marriage in this apartment.  I would love to have a baby in this apartment.  I wouldn’t mind having another puppy in this apartment…  (Don’t get any ideas, Dawn!!!)

Let’s say I get married later rather than sooner, or not at all.  I can imagine that I will put off buying a house because I love this apartment so much.  I can imagine living here well into my 30s, taking my time, waiting to buy a house until I find one that I love as much as I love it here.

Let’s forget about the question of marriage, the question of buying a house, the imagining of my future.  Right here and now, I LOVE IT HERE!

It faces the south, possibly a bit southwest, and the sun shines in all day long.  My living room is so warm and comfortable with my beloved couches, the red wall, the colorful accents in red, black, brown, a little yellow and green, throughout the room.  The kitchen is walk-through, which makes it a multi-butt kitchen.  (My Aunt Betty taught me the term “one-butt kitchen,” I’m adapting it to describe my multi-butt kitchen!  I don’t like one-butt kitchens as much, I like to share the kitchen with my beloved friends and family while baking cookies or making supper or doing dishes.)  I can paint the walls if I want, and I already have a color scheme picked out for the bathroom, to go with my wonderful girly purple shower curtain and the beautiful caramel flooring.  The closet space is so much that I have one entire closet devoted to my bike!  I love the way my bedroom curtain looks on the window, and my glass and metal dragonfly from the Fremont Sunday Market in Seattle looks so nice hanging in front of it.  In the spring, I will be able to plant stuff on my balcony, because the sun shines so nicely.

Come to think of it, if my imaginary situation of having a marriage in this apartment comes to reality, things like the dragonfly and the girly purple shower curtain will be open for discussion.  I’m not sure how much guys are adverse to stuff like that when they live with girls.    But right now, I’m going to make this place EXACTLY how I want it!

I am SO glad I did this!  All the stress and packing and worrying and counting down was totally worth it!  This was definitely the right choice for me!

quotes December 29, 2007

Love one person, take care of them until you die. Raise kids. Have a good life. Be a good friend. And try to be completely who you are. And figure out what you personally love. And go after it with everything you’ve got no matter how much it takes.

If you don’t get out of the box you’ve been raised in, you won’t understand how much bigger the world is.

–Angelina Jolie

NPR and other harmless entertainment December 28, 2007

I’m sitting in my new apartment…just me and the dog…for the first time.  It feels like forever since Saturday morning when we started moving my furniture!  And yet, it’s been a whirlwind of holiday visiting and travel, and I’m finally back to my own home.

Except…It doesn’t feel like my own home!  The entire time since I moved, either I have had guests, or I have been traveling.  I feel like I’m invading someone else’s house!    Time will fix it, of course.  Tomorrow and Saturday will be, for the most part, regular “hangin’ out” days with no work.  Sunday will be a normal Sunday.  By Monday I bet I will feel settled in.

Over the last couple of days I have started a new addiction…NPR!  That’s National Public Radio, by the way.  Otherwise known as talk radio, lots of news, interviews with many random people, commentary.  Sarah mentioned that her long drive here went much faster because she listened to NPR.  So I tried it…and she’s right!  I won’t change the station or put in a cd, because whatever they’re talking about has my attention.  I realize how much of a dork I must sound like right now.    But my five hour drive back home today flew by painlessly.  And, I feel smarter!  I learned about Kosovo, several presidential candidates, tuberose bulbs, Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto, a book called Intern: A Doctor’s Initiation that I now want to read, the predicted recession for the Christmas shopping season that didn’t really happen. a singer named Victoria Bergsman…  I don’t like watching the news, but this I want more of!

I am in a different emotional state when I’m listening to talk radio than when I listen to music.  I don’t have the urge to incessantly change the station looking for the best song, or speed past songs on a cd that I’m not in the mood to listen to.  I’m calm, I’m listening and thinking.  My attention stays focused for a longer period of time, as they interview one person for a half hour or more.  I might agree or disagree, I might feel intrigued or only mildly attentive, I might even have questions.  It’s much more active listening than listening to music I’ve heard a million times. 

You’re going to think I’m an even bigger dork with what I’m about to say…That’s how I feel about public television on many Saturday mornings!  I lounge in my pajamas and watch cooking shows, building shows, remodeling shows, the occasional sewing show but usually not, home decorating shows…  If I’m still lounging, I tend to change it over to Hannah Montana and Suite Life of Zack and Cody later in the morning.  If there’s a guy around, I’m happy to watch whatever sports channel they want.  There’s something so comforting about all that safe, harmless t.v. on a Saturday morning! 

16 hours!!! December 21, 2007

16 hours until everyone meets at my apartment to load the furniture!!!  Yikes!!!  So much to do, and so little time! 

Sarah and I have made a new friend.  His name is Lampie.  Sarah and Lampie shared a seat on the second trip to the new apartment.  We brought Lampie after we realized how dark a living room and bedroom are without a top light.  Lampie was so patient with us as we asked him to move from one room to the other, back and forth, as we put things away in closets and stacked boxes that we can’t unpack yet.  We have made good friends with Lampie and we look forward to seeing him again tonight. 

Three… December 19, 2007

…But really just one, because I go sign my lease tomorrow, and I can start moving car-size stuff like boxes, even though my furniture won’t go until Saturday…

I’ve crossed the line of “living here” to “mostly just sleeping here.”  I will no longer cook or do dishes in this apartment.  I have packed a bag for the next few days and I’m ready to box up my clothes and load my car with the closet stuff. 

I’ve also crossed the line to “completely motivated and totally manageable.”  Don’t ask me how it happened.    My stuff doesn’t seem like that much stuff right now, it’s very close to completely packed, and it feels quite organized and manageable at this moment.  I’m serious when I tell you that a couple of car loads will go a long way toward emptying my old apartment.  And filling up the new one… 

Next task…packing the kitchen!

Four days left! December 18, 2007

I watched The Biggest Loser live finale tonight, and I worked out with The Boy.  Working out has kicked off some serious healthy habits for me.  I haven’t really put much effort into eating better, but I have been accidentally eating a little better.  A pair of jeans that I couldn’t button in October, I wore to work today.    But “the beast” comes back once in awhile, without warning.  Today was one of those days.

One of the contestants on The Biggest Loser said tonight that once you’re obese, you’re always obese, like being an alcoholic.  “Hi, my name is Isabeau and I’m obese.”  Even though she’s a blonde beach babe now.  I have not been obese, (…and please don’t correct me if you disagree…like my body image needs any more competition…) but I’ve definitely been a binger.  Once a binger, always a binger?  I hope not.  I don’t want to be a “dieter,” because that’s just the flip side of that.  I want to be a healthy, appropriate eater.  Actually, I want to be a person who eats appropriately.    As Victoria Moran said in Fit From Within, I am not a body, I am a soul, and I have a body.  I am not an appropriate eater or a binger, I am a soul.    Anyway, I want to eat because I’m hungry, or have a taste of something because it’s yummy or I have a craving.  When I engage in inappropriate eating, it’s not about weight, nutrition, food, or hunger.  It’s about how I have feelings I don’t want to feel. 

Today I have feelings I don’t want to feel.  I’ve been binging so long that I can barely even figure out what they are, even when I recognize the pattern.  So I’m still working on what they are tonight.  But I engaged in inappropriate eating.  Who binges on peas???    I had a cup of hot cocoa that I really didn’t want, followed by an entire can of peas.  You can say, one cup of hot cocoa won’t hurt much, and two and a half servings of peas won’t hurt anything at all.  Nutritionally, you’re right.  But remember, it’s not about nutrition.  I had already eaten supper, I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to eat rather than deal with whatever it is I’m feeling.  Hot chocolate and peas are just as inappropriate as cake and ice cream in that situation.

I think it’s about my house being a mess right now.  It’s about needing to finish my Christmas shopping, and not really wanting to go shopping.  It’s about how I don’t know what will happen to The Boy’s and my working out routine after I move.  It’s about I don’t know what will happen with the weather this weekend when I’m trying to move.  It’s about how Tara suggested going out for my birthday, and I really wanted to, but it’s just not going to fit in.  It’s a tiny bit about the adjustment from “single” to “dating someone.”  Just a tiny bit. 

I feel out of control of my life.  That’s what it’s about.

FIVE! December 17, 2007

Do you know what the stress is?  It’s that I have all this extra stuff to do….packing…calling the utility companies…confirming my friends who are helping…taking stuff to goodwill…cleaning the old apartment…BUT LIFE GOES ON!!!  It’s not like the rest of it stops in order to give me time to do the moving stuff.  I still have work stuff to do, and laundry, and feeding myself by either shopping and cooking or buying food, and working out, and so forth. 

I’ve only ever moved in the summer, and then one time in December after I graduated but before I had a job.  This whole concept of moving while working is new. 

Five days to go, today I plan to pack the “pretties”–You know, statues, framed pictures, stuff like that.  I also hope to get a good start on packing the kitchen.  Or my clothes.  I don’t know about those two categories.  Both are things I’ll have to use through the move.  One thing I’ve learned about moving is that you need to pack a bag for yourself, as though you’re going on vacation.  Then, you can pack your clothes and bathroom, and you’ll still have what you need where you can get to it.  It just seems a little early for that.  But it also seems too early to eat out every meal until I’m moved.  I guess I’ll just get started and see what happens!

The Countdown Resumes December 15, 2007

SEVEN DAYS LEFT!!!!  In the midst of everything that’s been going on in my life recently, I stopped counting down.  I move in ONE WEEK!!!

Today’s task…pack the bookshelves.

So, what’s been going on in my life?  You’ve read bits and pieces, how about a little update?  I’m procrastinating the packing…I’d much prefer to unpack once I get to the new place!

The Boy…there is no more confusion or wondering.  We are definitely a couple.  We are taking things nice and slow, because we care so much about each other that we don’t want to screw it up by rushing things.  We are finally past the part that makes me so uncomfortable…We know how each other feels, the lines of communication are open.  Every time I’m in a relationship, I say that it’s different from any other relationship, but it’s always true!  It doesn’t mean that I know if this relationship is “the one,” because I don’t know that yet.  How could I?  But this relationship is different from the others because I trust him.  Completely.  I trusted him completely a long time ago, when we were just friends.  This is the first time I’ve trusted a guy so completely so soon into the relationship.  The Boy is first and forever my friend, and I honestly don’t think he can ever screw that up by anything that comes along with the “couple-ness.”  It surprised me when I realized how much I trust him.  But then again, everything has been surprising me about him!

I do this thing in relationships, usually.  When I find out the guy is interested, I stop being myself.  I try to be whatever I think the guy would like the best.  It’s ridiculous.  The Boy doesn’t let me do that.  He pushes me to stand up for myself, for my opinions, for whatever I think, no matter if he agrees or not.  I don’t know how.    He brings out the most “me” in me.  If that makes any sense.

Westroads…We as a city, as a community, are moving forward and healing.  A friend of a friend explained her experience of going back to Westroads on her blog, and the one thing that stood out to me was how healing it was for her to go alone.  I was not ready to do that on the day it reopened, but I will be.  And I need to go alone.  As I’ve said, I’m not afraid to go to the mall, I’m afraid that something will happen to me while I’m alone.  That’s a theme that runs through my life, it really has nothing to do with malls.  I’m fearless, for the most part, as long as someone who cares about me is right beside me when the bad stuff happens.  That’s a selfish feeling, I realize that.  If something bad happens to me, wouldn’t I rather that the people who I care about are safe, away from me?  That would be the selfless thought, but I just can’t get there.  So I need to turn “alone” into a positive.  I need to go to Westroads, look at all the snowflakes people have made, add my own, and then get on with life by shopping at New York & Company, The Body Shop, all my favorite stores.  Asking someone to go to the mall with me won’t solve the problem.  I’m shaken, and I’m a little bit scared right now, but I refuse to give up my shopping.  Wandering through stores on my own is how I clear my head sometimes, and I refuse to let this take that away from me.

Matthew Mayer December 10, 2007

Just a couple of days ago, I finally checked out my friend Matt’s website.  I’ve known the guy almost a year now, and I had no idea he was so successful until I saw his website.  He just released his 8th album.  I wish it was a good idea to blow $100 on cds!    I’m hooked on “Beyond.”  You can check it out at www.matthewmayer.org.

I’ve known a musician was successful, and then met them.  It’s intimidating.  They are, to me, their work instead of a person first.  This is different.  I’ve known Matt, and then learned that he was also Matthew Mayer, his work, his success.  But to me, he’s my friend Matt, soon to be The Boy’s brother-in-law, plays piano sometimes when I sing at church, was the clue another friend dragged into the living room that got me to guess “mat” (as in, rug) while we were playing Guesstures on Saturday night.    Asks how you’ve been and truly wants to know.  Talks honestly about faith and heavy issues, and in the next moment can lighten the conversation with a joke.  He will never be his work first to me, no matter how hooked I am on “Beyond.”