My Favorite Place In the World November 8, 2009

(For best effect, click play now so you can listen while you read!)

When all the stars are in line, the 10:45 Mass at my church is my favorite thing in the world.  Today was one of those days.  There is nothing I love more than church music done well.  And when every factor lines up just right, we are a choir who does church music well.  When luck is on our side, the music and the message combine to form a powerful worship experience.  When the stars align…

Of course it’s not luck!  Of course it’s not “the stars being aligned.”  The Holy Spirit is present here with us.  Whether we feel it or not.  Those experiences when we feel it, when something is different, joyful…well, I think of those experiences as the hit we need to stay addicted.    I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but for me it’s obviously the music.  I’ve been going to 10:45 Mass at St. Vincent most weekends for several years because I hope I will experience that ethereal feeling of God being right with us.  Joining the choir has made those experiences even deeper.  But even when we have an “off” day, even when I don’t feel it, I know it’s true.  But I’m so glad that I do have occasional experiences of feeling those emotions, because it makes it easier to remember.

 

And I wonder…are those emotionally charged experiences a result of consistent pursuit of the Lord?

 

From Janelle at Girltalk:

The practice of the spiritual disciplines is a little like planting a seed. (Please ignore the fact that anything I have ever planted has died, and try to stick with me here.)  You plant a tiny seed in the dirt and you wait…water…wait… water. (I know that there is a little more to it than that, but you get the picture).  It takes time.  The plant only grows after consistent, faithful tending to the seed. 

I met with the Lord this morning.  I’m looking pretty much the same as I did yesterday (enjoying a huge glazed donut—the baby asked for it).  Mike hasn’t told me that I look more holy than the day before.  But as I read the Word and prayed this morning, I was watering.  Lord willing, I will wake up tomorrow morning and do the same thing.  Morning after morning of watering and waiting, and I will eventually see a little green thing sticking up out of the dirt.  Growth!  More watering, more waiting—more growth! 

Rebellion October 29, 2009

I recently heard the statement that rebelling is a form of self-preservation, a way of claiming your space or your rights, so to speak. 

I certainly like that idea better than “rebellion=character flaw.” 

 

I should be reading two and a half more chapters in The CAFE Book: Engaging All Students in Daily Literacy Assessment and Instruction.  (Doesn’t that sound like a hoot and a half.)  I want to be watching t.v.  I would feel more inner peace if I were washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom.  I need to be asleep. 

Instead, I am rebelling against all those things, and I’m blogging.  I am in great need of self-preservation.  I am in great need of reclaiming my space in my life.

I am stressed.

I am eating my words, spoken about six months ago.  A colleague asked me, “Are you ready for the pressure of teaching first grade next year?  Are you sure you want all that stress?”  I answered that I was looking forward to just teaching literacy, math, science, and social studies, and not being responsible for music, large motor, and art.  I said I was looking forward to students who knew how to wash their hands and use a kleenex and zip their coats.  I said I was looking forward to having lunch, recess, music, P.E., and art time away from my students, rather than a 25-minute lunch break a couple times a week.  I couldn’t possibly see how, with all that planning time, teaching first grade could be more pressure than teaching preschool. 

(I hear how that sounds, and in the interest of self-preservation, don’t you DARE judge preschool teachers unless you’ve been there.  I am not trying to sound funny, I am not trying to make you laugh.  I am trying to hold onto my sanity with my fingernails.)

I…WAS…WRONG.

I don’t understand how people enjoy this, or how people want to do this again after experiencing it for one year.  The workload grows every day.  I refuse to stay at school for 18 hours a day, but even if I did, I wouldn’t be done.  My to-do list gets longer, instead of shorter.  I feel as though I am dropping the ball and letting people down on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. 

I feel as though I don’t have time to enjoy my students.  Truthfully, as a preschool teacher I formed a bond with every single child I taught.  I still see them in the hall and they are “mine.”  And even the oldest former preschoolers find me for a hug several times a week.  A key component of helping them succeed in preschool and really accomplish all we needed to accomplish to prepare them for kindergarten was to enjoy them, to really get to know them and love on them and have fun with them.  A child who is enjoyed wants to do a good job for you.  We don’t enjoy each other this year.  I don’t have time to enjoy them.  I don’t feel I’m allowed to have fun, or to allow them to have fun.  The only students that I really feel a bond with are my former preschoolers, and we already had a bond! 

I feel as though if I’m doing it right, teaching should take up my whole life.  I shouldn’t have a dog, or be in music ensembles, or have friends or family, because the most important thing in my life is supposed to be my job.  To come home and feed my kids supper and put them to bed, if I had kids, is supposed be like an unimportant sidenote to my day.  If that is the case, I will not be a teacher when it’s time to raise kids.  Having three months of summer would not make it worth nine months of this.  Even in my life as it is now, I can’t live like this.  I can’t live with the guilt of going to choir at 7:30 when there are teaching things to do, and I also can’t live with not going to choir, or walking the dog, or hanging out with my friends, or seeing my family because my whole life is about my job.  I can’t live with the fact that tonight, I chose not to go swimming with some friends because I have those stupid three chapters to read.  I avoided friends in order to avoid the guilt of not making my job my whole life, and therefore, tonight, my job is my whole life.  My job isn’t important enough to be my whole life. 

 

There are many factors at work here, but if what could be fixed were fixed, I’m still not sure this would be worth  it.  If I had my own classroom…If I had a great class…If I had windows…aaahhh, windows…  (It’s going to get darker before it gets lighter.  I need all the sunshine I can get.)  I am working in a culture that would have you believe that you want one thing—to be successful at work.  If you don’t have a successful marriage, if you’re not raising kind and loving children, if you don’t have a relationship with your parents or siblings, if you don’t have a relationship with God…it doesn’t matter, because you’re a really good (insert career here).  Even if I loved it, it wouldn’t be worth that. 

I may be in the minority here, but to me the most important thing is family.  Apart from God, obviously.  Except “apart from God” isn’t the right statement, becuase God established family as the “human unit,” if you’ll forgive my made-up term.    Petals come in blossoms, mountains come in ranges, kittens come in litters, humans come in families.  Catch my drift?    Well, my family relationships totally suck, but I have my work…  That’s the most backwards sentiment ever.  Family is the important thing in life.  If the golden rule is to love my neighbor as myself, my family members are my closest neighbors.  My favorite jobs I’ve ever had:  working in the infant room at the day care center, and teaching preschool…neither of them would be any fun if they were to the exclusion of the important things.  The best job I can think of: making music for a living…doesn’t hold a candle to family.  Truly.

 

Of all the jobs in the world…teaching is about children!  After 5 years, I am still just indignant to think that, of all the jobs in the world, this one would make me feel guilty for neglecting it in favor of family and friends!  Never in my life did I expect to write a blog post with the topics family and teaching as opposing ideas! 

So, because I’ve already neglected my friends tonight, and because I have family staying with me this weekend, I am rebelling against my job, not reading my three chapters, and reestablishing my boundaries by going to sleep, so that I can truly enjoy my family this weekend!

Not Me Monday October 26, 2009

When one of my students held up a living, wiggling cricket for me to see, I did not shriek, jump back three feet, and yell at the top of my lungs, “Either KILL it, or take it OUTSIDE!!!”  I am the adult, and I would never allow my childish fears to get in the way of my authority in the classroom!

At the same time, I did not find myself unable to kill a poor defenseless worm that I found in my apartment, and instead gently scoop it onto an old receipt to free it outside!  Despite the fact that it won’t survive out there much longer anyway, due to the colder weather.  If I do have an irrational fear of small wiggly creatures, (and I most certainly do not!), it would not be made even further irrational by discriminating against one form of “small wiggly” over another!

I recently bought a mop.  I did not wait two weeks before actually using it.  After mopping for the first time, I most certainly did not hang the mop upside down from my bathroom towel rod to dry.  After letting it dry for a few days, I did not suddenly realize that it has a hole in the handle, and I could simply hang it from a hook, politely hidden in a closet, rather than taking up valuable towel rod space in the bathroom!

A Small Rant October 22, 2009

Arrrghghgh…I just feel like pissing people off today.

But I am too damn nice to really do it.

 

As you may know, a situation with a coworker is difficult right now.  Not the worst thing imagineable or anything, but still, I’m having a hard time this year.  A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I yelled at her.  Yelled and screamed and cried and jumped up and down. 

And today, in the awake world, I had the urge to actually do it.

 

I want my classroom to MYSELF.  I want people to GET OUT OF THE WAY and let me teach.  I want to have a stinkin’ plan BEFORE five minutes before the lesson.  I want to be treated like a TEACHER, not a para.  And I want some FREAKING WINDOWS.

I am too sponge-like.  I have to be conscious not to take on others’ emotions as my own, and I tend to start sounding like people I listen to a lot.  And unfortunately, that seems to go for attitudes as well.  Because I am experiencing a lot of passive-aggressiveness, I forget to be direct.  I got some great advice tonight:  Let nothing go unsaid.  Because, as much as it might seem easier to say, sure, fine, let’s do it your way, it will be better in the long run to stand up for what I think. 

And also, it might feel even more cathartic than screaming and yelling.  Or ranting on a blog.

Life…Interrupted October 21, 2009

*Sigh…*  Just when I’m getting really motivated about my job…

I stayed home sick today.  I have a tried-and-true pattern for stomach viruses, and whatever that was, it didn’t follow my pattern!  But it was fast, and I appreciate that.  I’m told (via the dependable internet, and by friends) that if it’s fast like that, it means it was food poisoning.  And I have identified a likely culprit, some expired fresh spinach that I ate.  (So, to all who might scoff at my usual rigidness regarding expiration dates…I tried it your way, and your way made me puke.) 

I also appreciate SubFinder!!!  I was talking to a friend on the phone last night, who is also a teacher, and he has to actually call a list of subs when he’s sick.  Ugh!  When you’re sick, that’s the last thing you would want to do!  A person should just be able to call in sick to their job, when they’re sick, and let other people take care of their job for a day.  Teachers give of themselves a lot for their jobs, and there are some perks most people take for granted that teachers never experience.  I appreciate that calling in sick is one perk I have.

I spent the day eating small quantities of random foods, trying to figure out what I can stomach so that I can get back to normal.  Apple bread is good, potato salad is not.  (Don’t ask me what made me think it would be…)  And the best thing in the world today…Progresso lentil soup!  I don’t quite remember buying it, but I saw the can in the cupboard and thought it might be a good bland-ish food with plenty of water and no meat and that salty soup flavor that you crave when you’re dehydrated…and it was awesome! 

And water.  Lots and lots of cold water to drink.

I also spent the day watching television.  I was reminded that the last half hour of Armageddon makes me cry.  I also discovered a new show that made me cry, The Locator.  It’s a reality show where this investigator guy helps people find their long-lost loved ones.  I watched a good Hannah Montana and a Wizards of Waverly Place, and a couple of Suite Lifes.  I watched some Golden Girls.  I abandoned my t.v. for awhile and started catching up on Grey’s Anatomy with the online episodes.  (Don’t talk to me about it yet, I still have about four episodes to go!)  Armageddon was on again, so I watched the first half hour or so, until Ben Affleck proposes to Liv Tyler.  I watched the first ten minutes of Bridget Jones and decided I just can’t take the drama today.  I watched the first 45 minutes of the Los Angelos Philharmonic on public television.  (Did you know that Gustavo Dudamel, the director, is my age???)

And I think if I don’t turn my t.v. on again for a week, that would be just fine.

So, I am freshly showered, well-hydrated, and gently fed.  (Freshly showered, so that I can sleep in as late as possible tomorrow morning.)  I’m ready to get back to it tomorrow, and use this rare time of motivation!

Not Me Monday October 19, 2009

One of my favorite bloggers, MckMama, has a great feature called Not Me Monday.  It’s always so entertaining, and I decided to give it a try today!

When I discovered that all of my cups were in the dishes a couple of weeks ago, I did not pour orange juice into a wine glass to drink for breakfast!  I always do all my dishes immediately after using them, so I would never find that all the cups were dirty.  And if I did find myself in this situation, I would absolutely drop everything to wash the dishes right then, rather than making such an absurd choice in order to avoid a household chore!

I was walking the dog one last time before bed, and in the dark, couldn’t find the…stuff.  There was someone on one of the balconies nearby, but I’m not self-conscious!  So I did not pretend to pick something up with the poop bag, and tie an empty poop bag shut, and walk over to the garbage and throw away an empty poop bag.  Not me!!!

In September, I did not leave my travel coffee mug at school until it got moldy.  Ew, I would never do such a thing!  Then, I absolutely did not throw it away to avoid the gross chore of washing and thoroughly disinfecting it.  Now, I have not ventured to every Wal-Mart in the city looking for a replacement, as they seem to have stopped carrying my beloved $4 travel mug with the stainless steel interior!  (Mugs with stainless steel interiors don’t absorb the flavors, and also, there is some talk that putting hot food in plastic containers releases carcinogenic toxins.  Mugs with stainless steel interiors also appear to run $15-$30 in most cases.  I want a $4 mug like I found last time!)

As a result of the said mold incident…er, the denied mold incident…I have absolutely not stopped at Scooters or Starbucks on 90% of my workdays!  I know exactly how much that is a waste of money, and I would never allow myself to become so addicted…er, fond of blended caramel lattes and caramel macchiatos!

This Is Important… October 15, 2009

Father, we will lead them home.  –”Tears of the Saints” by Leeland

 

<<Let your light shine before men so they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.>>

Matthew 5:16

Thursday Gratitudes October 15, 2009

It’s ridiculous how easy it is go astray when my focus ain’t right.  –”Crazy Girls” by Bethany Joy Galeotti

 

<<A green smoothie this morning…for the first time in many weeks…>>

<<Time with Scripture this morning…for the first time in many weeks…>>

<<Today at our staff development meeting, we heard a fantastic woman from Arkansas speak about “workshopping” in the classroom…and I loved it…crapola…>>

<<A hilarious comment from a fellow teacher about the “hiney flu”…you know…write down H-one-N-one…get it?  HINI flu?  Haha!…Is it just me that thinks the term is funny?…Is it less funny when I explain it?…>>

<<Clean Sheet Day!!!  (Don’t you celebrate this holiday every so often at your house?)>>

<<”It’s a small world!” experiences>>

<<The beginning of a deeper friendship with an acquaintance>>

<<No school tomorrow…for kids or teachers!>>

<<Discovering like-minded people in the world>>

 

That’s ten gratitudes…because I couldn’t narrow it down to five!  I think this “habit-forming” idea is working!

Offer and Receive October 14, 2009

Have you ever given something completely to God, only to find that He returns it to you?

 

Last week at church choir rehearsal, I noticed that a piece we will be singing on November 1st has an oboe part.  So I volunteered to play it on clarinet, if the director, Sue, wanted.  She was so excited to hear that I play clarinet, and she gushed that she played clarinet back in the day, and she was just thrilled to have me do that.  So I was prepared to rehearse that song with the choir tonight.

Tonight as I was walking into church, with my clarinet in tow, I saw the flute player, and I thought I hope Sue didn’t change her mind and assign this oboe part to her.  And I saw the woman who plays the electronic keyboard for the instrumental parts, and I thought, I hope she doesn’t think I’m trying to take her role away from her.  And I saw Sue and I thought I hope she hasn’t changed her mind, decided I’m just being a nuisance, decided I probably suck and I’ll be more of a problem than a good addition…

At the doorway to the sanctuary, I paused and looked up at the cross, and I prayed one phrase:  All for You.  As all parts of my life should be, so should my playing.  And then I went on:  God, if this isn’t all for You, if it isn’t exactly what You want from me, if it isn’t honoring and glorifying to You, then please, crush it.

 

A few minutes later, we began rehearsal with the song.  I start the introduction, and the piano comes in a few measures later, followed by the choir.  I played my intro, the piano joined, and before the choir came in, Sue stopped us, and looked at me, and she said, “Wow, I never sounded like that!”  I think that’s just about the most encouraging compliment I could hear right now!  I’ve been wondering how far away from my good sound I am.  Obviously, in the days when I was practicing 10-15 hours a week, I had a much better sound than the day that I played for the first time in five years!  Within a few days, I started to recognize echoes of my good sound…but playing maybe an hour a week for a few months, in comparison to playing hours and hours for 12 years?  Do I sound like a 7th grader?  A 10th grader?  How long does it take to make up for those five years of not playing?  I still don’t know, but it was nice to know that someone immediately recognized a good sound as a characteristic of my playing.

Then, oh then, things went downhill for a few minutes.  I made some stupid mistakes in the first verse, and Sue had to stop and redirect me a little bit.  *Sigh*…she’s thinking I’m an ammateur, I don’t know what I’m doing, she’s never going to ask me to play again…

But I quickly got it together, and the rest of the song went just fine.  And at the end, the whole choir sort of sighed, and then I heard a few comments like, “Really lovely,”  and, “That was so nice.”  And everyone clapped.

At the end of rehearsal, Sue encouraged me to make copies of the flute parts as well, and the flute player lent me her binder and pointed out a few pieces with two instrumental parts, and Sue said:  “It’s so wonderful to have a good clarinet player.”

 

Wow.  In the moment in the doorway, I offered this experience up to God, and He gave it back to me…more than I could have imagined.  I sing all day long, and I can hold my own in choir, and I’m learning a lot, but I’m no soloist.  And I love to play piano more than anything in the world, but I’m not very well trained.  Playing clarinet is the one thing that I do well, at which I am very well trained, that I have definitely put in the time and effort to become proficient.  But even so, there is no reason to expect to be recognized for that, and God allowed it to happen anyway.

Passions October 13, 2009

Well, crapola, I wanted to be asleep by now, but I feel like blogging! 

(Over the weekend I bought a book called Feel: The Power of Listening to Your Heart, by Matthew Elliot.  Does that not sound like just the book for me?    I’ll let you know how it is…)

(And…”crapola”…isn’t that a blast from the past?  I think I started using that word when I was about 12?  It hasn’t made an appearance in awhile!)

Not long ago, I briefly talked about seeing the big picture.  I mentioned that at that moment, I felt I could see the big picture more clearly than usual.  Well let me tell you…I can not!  The entire time I was feeling unbearably discontent with everything, I had this nagging feeling that nothing would come of all my ranting.  I had a little voice telling me that the “big picture” was deceptive, that I was still seeing a small window, and from a very specific perspective.

Well, a few weeks later, of course my perspective has changed a little.  Life changes, things change, perspectives change.  And I am here to tell you, what I saw back then doesn’t quite match up with what I see today.

I think I need to get into specifics, to explain myself clearly.

At that moment, when I wrote about the “big picture,” I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to not be a teacher, to have a career in music.  Because music is my one big passion, my one big dream.

As though there were just one.

The truth is, my passion for music is real, and just as big as I said, and it’s a part of my life and my personality every day.  But I am passionate about many things, and when some get ignored or rejected, others seem to get bigger.  And since the end of a certain relationship-that-shall-not-be-named, (*giggle*, there is no bitterness, I’m just being dramatic!), I’ve realized how “fine” I am on my own, how completely I would accept a life of singleness, if that’s what God has for me.  Which led to almost an embracing of that thought, an assuming that I will be single. 

Which led to a single, startling, scary thought:  “If I knew for certain that God is calling me to be single…that I’m definitely not ‘waiting’ for that season of my life to begin…I don’t want to be a teacher.” 

Which led to another, more scary thought:  “I don’t know what I want to be.”  Which led to an extreme assumption: that there is one thing that I am supposed to “be,” and if I figure out what it is, all my problems will be solved and my life will be perfect.  Which led to my thinking that I am supposed to “be” in the world of music. 

And yes, if there is only one passion that I get to keep, it would be music.  It has to be.  I can’t live without it.

But I don’t think there is only one passion that I am supposed to keep!

 

Today is a “homebirth day,” it seems.  I watched a video from Sara at Walk Slowly, Live Wildly that is a beautiful slide show of her daughter’s birth.  And as I commented to Sara, I think homebirth is in my soul!    And then on 18 Kids & Counting tonight, I watched the first Duggar grandchild come into the world via–surprise!–a homebirth.  I can’t watch a birth, see pictures of a birth, read or hear about a birth, without hearing a voice deep inside me saying, I want to do that!  I am not married, I am not pregnant, I don’t have any children…there is no reason for me to be as “hooked” on birth stories as I am.  I was reminded that birth…homebirth…mothering…well, music is definitely not the one thing for me!

Tonight I was reading through some of my favorite blog posts that I’ve written, and there are definitely some diverse passions there!  I read a post that I wrote where I said that thinking about homeschooling gives me butterflies in my stomach.  I read a post about birth that is more than most girls in my position know about birth.  I read a few posts about how I feel about my siblings.  I read posts about cleaning.  I read posts about books I’ve read.  And movies I’ve watched.  And t.v. shows that I’m into.

And, yes, I read many, many posts about song lyrics, bands I’m into, singing, playing instruments, going to concerts.

 

So, off the top of my head:

MUSIC: singing, playing, listening to, discovering new bands to listen to, going to concerts…

FAMILY: honoring my parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles, being best friends with my siblings, the value of accepting and encouraging one another, the value of marriage, the value of children…speaking of which…

CHILDREN: homeschooling, homebirthing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, reading to, singing with, listening to, lovingly ignoring, hugging & kissing…(yeah, when I have my own kids, I’m going to have to acquire some more passions that would fit with the teen years)…

STORIES: books, books, and more books, movies, t.v. shows…

HOMEMAKING: cleaning, cooking, creating a space that is warm and comfortable and encourages relationships…

FOOD: green smoothies, new recipes, clean eating, all things fruit & vegetable…and the occasional box of Lucky Charms…

 

I look at that list, and I think, “Well crapola, I really don’t want to be a teacher!”  (Let’s just keep using the pre-teen expletive, shall we?)  But I think how much I love to be on stage playing music, and I think about how much I would love to be a homebirthing, breastfeeding, homeschooling mama…and those two things are at war with each other, if I let my imagination get the best of me.  The truth is, in reality, those two things are going to find a way to coexist in one person, because neither one is going anywhere.

I know that living without a musical outlet sends me a little bit ’round the bend.  I’m aware of that, and it’s something I have to deal with and keep tabs on.  (Oh, that sounds so boring!  I love needing a musical outlet!  It’s a pleasure to deal with that part of my personality!  Doesn’t that sound better?)  And music is, most definitely, my one thing.  But it is not my only thing.

 

So, then, I don’t want to be a teacher, at least not a public school first grade teacher.  What could I do, for money, related to any of those things up there?  Maybe I can publish my upcoming NaNoWriMo novel?  (If I have time to actually write it.)  Maybe I can help choose the music used in movies and t.v. shows?  (What are those people called, exactly?)  Maybe I can be a midwife?  (No, I didn’t think so either.  If I were the medical sort.)  Maybe I should be a Natural Family Planning counselor?  (No…)  Maybe I can be a professional triangle player…

Maybe I can find a job, related to children, using the education I already have, that fits with the way I think kids learn and grow best.  One that doesn’t make me panic and think: WE’RE RUINING THEM!!!  One where I can encourage, motivate, and inspire kids to take charge of their own learning…

I think I had a job like that last year… 

 

Okay, now tell me honestly.  Just how crazy do you think I am right now?